


save you, save me

by diabolic_deceiver



Series: A to the Z [3]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Depression, Drug Addiction, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Physical Abuse, Recovery, Recreational Drug Use, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-12 13:30:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 46,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21477181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diabolic_deceiver/pseuds/diabolic_deceiver
Summary: 'in which seonghwa was fed up with his life and tried to end it but not without planning it throughly. making the suicide note, making sure that he won't be messing up anything and of course, finding the perfect place to die- a huge building known for suicides in a dangerous place with crimes happening every single day.what he doesn't know is that an 'angel of death' resides on that area.'
Relationships: Choi Jongho & Kang Yeosang, Choi Jongho/Kim Hongjoong, Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Jeong Yunho/Song Mingi, Kang Yeosang/Park Seonghwa
Series: A to the Z [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1391887
Comments: 15
Kudos: 70





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> i'm crossposting my works in wattpad to this account. there are times that my works scares the hell outta me because most of them are morbid. heh. maybe it’s because something is wrong w me ha ha

He wanted to do this in a casual way.

Maybe him being a neat freak has something to do with this. He doesn’t want to mess it up. He just want to end it on one go.

He wrote a letter, a suicide letter. A letter filled with half-hearted words that was filled with farewell and lies, lies that he doesn't want to live anymore and that he is so sorry. He wasn't sorry at all, he doesn't even care on the people that he will leave behind. He just wanted to end his life.

It wasn't depression. It was the disappearance of his will to live. He doesn't know why but he has the urge to burn everything into ashes and scream. _Scream with all of his might._

But he stopped writing the letter and chuckled a bit, he suddenly realized that this doesn't make sense at all. He isn't just like those depressed losers that mope all day and cut themselves. He is _way_ better than that, he is contented on his life and he's never going to be one of them.

That is what he thought months ago. _Fate seems to be a bit mischievous nowadays._

His life has turned upside down when his foster parent died, leaving him along with his foster brothers, San and Jongho. His foster parent, killed herself due to loneliness and grief over his deceased husband. Seonghwa was in despair, he was wondering why did this happened at all. _He wondered why.._

Their foster parent was just smiling days ago and now, here she is, in a casket with her eyes shut, never opening it. Seonghwa would never see her again and it made him feel like it's the worst, just looking at the casket made him nauseous. He looked at his little brothers and saw them crying their heart out, he felt envious of how they can cry like no one's around them. Seonghwa could never do that, express himself fully. He always hid behind the shadows and kept his emotions locked up on his heart.

They were lucky to be adopted by his foster parent's little sister, an another kind soul that is fond of the three of them since they've helped her a lot on her bookstore. She accepted the three with open arms just like how her sister did when she adopted these three orphans at the orphanage. But ever since their foster parent's death, Seonghwa changed. At late nights, he would cry himself into sleep and the voices never stopped on taunting him. He couldn't escape from them, they kept on following his tainted tracks, telling him a lot of horrible words.

But one day, he let the voices get through him. He was in his bed, writing an another suicide letter, something that he didn't expect to do. He wrote everything and left it on the table at their living room, he knew that San or Jongho would see this as they've arrived from their class. The two were always doing their best on their academics, something that Seonghwa couldn't do. He's too mediocre, everything he does is just as average as he is, that is what he believes. His second foster parent is probably at her bookstore so this is the perfect chance to do such a crucial thing, on a day with dark clouds surrounding the skies, making it look gloomy— suitable for someone like him.

With a last look at their house, he started to walk. He doesn't even know where he would go but he just kept on walking until he couldn't see the tall buildings and everything was just filled with grass and the pathway isn't cemented, he noticed how quiet the place is but he paid no mind to it. He kept on walking forward until he could see a town nearby but what he noticed is that it wasn't just like any usual town that he knew, it's like a ghost town but with people in it.

There are tall buildings that seems to be apartments and small houses but he noticed how there aren't even paint in it or whenever there is, it's about to fade. He noticed that there weren't even people that is outside or whenever there is, it's like a group or a mob. Some of them would spare a glance on Seonghwa that is like piercing the male but he still kept on walking until he stopped when he saw the tallest building. _The perfect place to commit suicide is here_, he said to himself.

Of course, he even prepared his place of death. He had been searching in the internet on some good places to kill yourself and there’s a high rate of suicide in this town— _exactly on this building._

As he opened the door, a loud creak can be heard and closed it before proceeding to the stairs and climbed up, he noticed how some people would take a peek on their rooms but immediately closed them. These are probably the residents of this building yet they didn’t even give a damn on people who ended their lives here. _They probably got used to it._

As he arrived on the final floor, the dimmed lights and how some would flicker made Seonghwa think how different this town is from the city that he used to live at. _Filled with suspicious people, only tall building that seems to be an apartment was built aside from some stores and a huge factory and also the fact that it seems so isolated on the other towns and __cities—as__ if the government is neglecting it._

He looked at the long stairs that would lead to the rooftop and took a deep breath, **_“This is now or never.,”_**

He started to walk upstairs without even looking at anywhere aside from his destination, the rooftop. And when he arrived in it, he saw the view of the whole town and how far he is from his hometown. He wondered why his feet didn't feel pain from walking too far, maybe because he was so numb that he couldn't feel anything anymore. He walked and climbed up until he was on the edge of the rooftop, one step away from his death. He was so prepared to leave this mediocre life of his and as he was about to raise his left foot to take the next step, a voice was heard from the other side of the rooftop.

“**_Are you really going to kill yourself?_**_**”**_

He stopped and looked behind him, a male was sitting on the ground with a pen on the right hand and a bunch of sticky notes was on his left hand that was smiling at him. It feels so sudden but he felt like his breath was cut off as he thought of something about the male— _an angel._


	2. 1 [saved?]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to be clear, seonghwa is adopted along with the choi bros. jongho and san were siblings that was adopted with seonghwa in the same orphanage!

Seonghwa still kept his gaze on the male that is sitting on the other side of the rooftop, leaning at the railings as a pile of sticky notes was on his arms, shoulders, face and even on his sweater. He looks a bit messy but it seems to suit him, making him look a bit adorable. He noticed a pink-ish birthmark on the male's left temple and thought that it's cute.

"Hey, are you going to jump?" the male asked once again, tilting his head, "Why do you want to jump?"

Seonghwa kept silent as he tried to avert his gaze away from the male but he couldn't, taking the silence as a response, the male continued "To end the pain you're feeling, I guess? That is what everyone that went here thinks before jumping or before running away from this place but my mother said to me before that people who killed themselves and those who died with intense hatred goes to hell. _And they kept on experiencing how they died once every single day, to make them remember why they were in hell so if you killed yourself, you'll probably be there and you will feel how your bones cracked, how it hurts when you fell to the ground and how __you-_"

"Enough!" Seonghwa screamed in all of the sudden, fists clenching a he shut his eyes. He suddenly remember his foster parent and imagined how she suffers because of what he have heard from this male.

"I talked too much again. I'm sorry," the male said, still not moving on the spot that he was sitting at "You looked too hurt, I'm really sorry. Maybe we can talk about it? About what you're thinking right now?"

"It's pointless." Seonghwa mutters, shaking his head.

He looked up at the skies and saw how it's about to darken, stars appearing in a few minutes and how he could see the city that he's currently living at, realizing how far he has been walking. He felt so calm in all of the sudden, feeling the breeze softly caressing his face as if it's comforting him.

"_Pointless?_ A person's thoughts isn't pointless at all," the male said as he started to write something on a sticky note.

"I just want to die.." Seonghwa admits, "I'm tired of my mediocre life."

"If you're tired then why don't you stop for a while, you don't have to end it, you just have to pause for a while, to cool off before continuing it," the male explained with a calm tone, "It's you that is making everything too exaggerated, you need to calm down."

"Exaggerated?" Seonghwa asks. He should be offended but the boy's words seems to make him hear a ring at the back of his mind, making him froze.

"It's tough. Life is tough but people are tougher, they overcome through a lot of obstacles that can make them a better person." the male said before standing from the floor.

"It's really tough," Seonghwa agreed to the male's opinion, nodding in approval.

"But people are tougher, you see?" the male said, taking a few steps closer to him.

He suddenly he remembered the time when Jongho got injured but he still smiled, he also remembered how the orphanage becomes short on budget but instead of discarding some orphans, they lessen their expenses on stuff that isn't needed, he remembered how their foster parents couldn't sleep at night as they talk about budgeting their money but the next day, they kept a smile on their faces. All of them made their own efforts to cover and to find a solution for their problems while Seonghwa's being like this.

_He felt ashamed because of the solution that he considered_.

"May I know why you want to die aside from having such a mediocre life?" the male asked, taking an another bunch of steps closer to him.

"M-My foster parent's husband died and she got so depressed that she followed him as soon as possible, it made me feel so empty and a wreck inside. How people just decide to end their lives when they don't find any reason to continue it," Seonghwa explains, clenching his fists "S-She looks so happy the night before she killed herself. She even smiled at us but I never thought that it's gonna be the last smile that I'll see from her.."

"Oh."

"And her sister adopted us but I felt like a burden as she overworks herself at times by staying much longer in her bookstore while my brothers kept on doing their best and excelling on their studies while here's a dumb and normal me, not making any achievements that I can be proud of." Seonghwa said, feeling a bit embarassed and angry at himself "I just kept on wasting money for tuition and I couldn't even make them proud.. I feel like a burden. Maybe if I die, it'll lessen her expenses."

"That's _wrong_. If you die by falling from here, your body will be a mess. And they'll probably have a funeral for you and of course, a site to bury you. That'll cost a lot, you'll make them feel grief again and also spend a lot on you. All of the money that they spent on you, even your foster parents and the orphanage, will be wasted." the male stated, still in a calm tone as if it's soothing Seonghwa despite being such a harsh statement "And it's possible that the situation you're going through will also happen to your other brothers, they already lose their parents then they'll lose you too? _That's too __heartbreaking_."

"San.. Jongho.." Seonghwa felt scared in all of the sudden, he knew how hard it is and witnessing that San and Jongho will suffer like this made him feel scared.

"Do you want them to be in the same situation like you? Unlike _you_, they might end it on a way that no one is able to stop them." the male said, his words seems to mark itself on Seonghwa's mind.

Seonghwa's legs kept on shaking as he shook his head, "I don't want to.."

"Then before making such a decision like this, make sure that you're really serious. You're going to die, not in a natural way, but because of you and your own decisions. The fact that you killed yourself will make an impact on everyone around you especially your family," the male said as he stopped two steps behind Seonghwa, _"Can I know your name?"_

"W-What's the point of knowing my name?" Seonghwa asks in a sharp tone. This man doesn't make sense but there's a bunch of words that triggered him.

"At least I can know the name of the person I'll be praying over along with the other ones who jumped," the male replied.

Seonghwa gulped, still looking at the ground below before looking up at the sky "It's Seonghwa."

The male seems to be surprised with his response and smiled, "Seonghwa. What a nice name. So Seonghwa, do you still want to die? If not, grab my hand so I can help you to go back in here."

As Seonghwa looked at the male, he was smiling at him yet there's something at that smile which strucked him. A smile of someone that witnessed too many death, a carefree smile that somehow expects that he can save someone. _A smile of someone that resembles an angel of __death-__ watching over the poor souls that died in this area._ Seonghwa's hand seems to have a mind of its own as it reached out for the male's hand which the male immediately grabbed.

As Seonghwa was back to the rooftop's floor, his legs gave up as he fell to the ground and kneeled as he drooped his head. He wants to curse himself for being such a selfish idiot, for not thinking about the others.

"Breathe in, breathe out. Calm down," the male said as he sat beside Seonghwa, "Sit down for a while, Seonghwa-sshi."

Seonghwa sat as he sighed, "Why did you save me?"

"Save you? I didn't do anything," the male said as he giggled, "You should thank yourself for choosing to continue being a brave person."

"I-If it wasn't for your words, I would be dead right now." Seonghwa replies, smiling a bit "Can I know your name?"

"I'm Yeosang," the male introduced himself, smiling sweetly at him.

"Yeosang, thank you." Seonghwa said and the other male seems to be surprised.

"No problem, Seonghwa-sshi." Yeosang said as he looked at the sky, "You need to go home, things aren't really great around here when the sun's about to set."

"Why?" Seonghwa asked, tilting his head a bit.

"This town is kind of deserted, a lot of crime happens around here all the time. You can always hear the police car's siren everyday, from the mobs, murder and even death of the people who commited suicide. This place is filled with violence and menace," Yeosang explained, tapping Seonghwa's shoulder "You should go home, _m__elancholic __city __boy_."

"So it's dangerous in here?" Seonghwa asks again and Yeosang nodded, "Then why are you still in here? You should've ran away from this place. Are you from this town?"

"Indeed. I've been here since I was a toddler so I'm fine with everything around here, I just wish that it'll be a bit more peaceful." Yeosang said, pouting a bit- Seonghwa would be lying if he didn't find it adorable.

"Are you suffering too?" Seonghwa suddenly asks.

"You ask too many questions, Seonghwa-sshi." Yeosang replies, giggling.

"I-I'm sorry," Seonghwa immediately averted his gaze on the male beside him.

Yeosang hummed, "It's alright. It's been a while since I talked to an another person and to answer your question, _all of us have skeletons in our __closets._"

"I see.." Seonghwa said.

"Do you know the way back?" Yeosang asks.

Seonghwa shook his head, "I-I wasn't paying attention. I'm sorry."

"Then I guess that I should accompany you to the nearest bus station," Yeosang stated.

"You will?" Seonghwa's expression lit up.

Yeosang nodded, "Yes."

As Yeosang removed the sticky notes around his body and placed them carefully at his pocket, he gestured at the brown-haired male to follow him. They went out of the building as soon as possible and they're back on the pathway once again, he can feel the sharp glares of the people around him.

_"Don't make any eye contact to other people,"_ Yeosang reminded him.

"Why?" Seonghwa asked.

"You know Pokemon, right? In the game, if you made any eye contact to one of the trainers then that means that you will have to battle him," Yeosang responded.

Seonghwa chuckled a bit, "That's a bit cute."

"I'm serious." Yeosang insisted, glaring a bit.

"Whatever makes you sleep tonight, buddy." Seonghwa joked before smiling a bit, "Can I ask a bunch of questions about you?"

"Well, sure. Why not?"

"How old are you?"

"Twenty," Yeosang responds.

"Cool! I'm currently twenty-one years old," Seonghwa said, "Are you still studying and if you are, what is your desired course?"

"Due to unfortunate circumstances, I was only able to graduate at high school and stayed here ever since then.." Yeosang replied, "But I would like to study anything related to art or industrial technology."

"Oh. We're the same, I'm a Performing Arts student." Seonghwa said.

"How lucky of you," Yeosang mused.

"I.." Seonghwa wanted to say something but the words seems to die before it reaches the tip of his tongue so he just kept quiet.

"Stay close," Yeosang whispered out as they passed by a group of men.

They kept on walking as Yeosang held on Seonghwa's sleeves, keeping him close as he kept on looking forward. Seonghwa was really sad and sorry for everything that he did, for not being aware of how fortunate he is and for being a selfish person. He's still depressed, wounds doesn't heal that fast but he's too distracted right now. This male is distracting him from those thoughts on killing himself, he seems to influence people easily with his right choice of words.

It took them almost thirty minutes but it seems like the pathway isn't going to end, they're near at the gate of the town and Seonghwa can see the tall grass and trees that he passed by. He suddenly realized how numb he feels when he walked miles away from his home, he started to feel like his legs hurt from too much walking.

"It's far, right?" Yeosang asks, "There's still a long way to go, Seonghwa-sshi."

"I know," Seonghwa replies, laughing softly "I just realized how I kept on walking for miles to reach this place."

"Too much thoughts and sadness can numb you from that," Yeosang said as he sighed, "I just hope that you won't kill yourself after this, Seonghwa-sshi."

"I.. really don't know," Seonghwa said as he scratched his nape, "The voices are awful most of the time especially when I'm alone, I can't win against them all of the time."

"When that time comes, talk to someone about it. Don't bottle up your emotions because if they pile up and you don't have anything to do against it, they'll really win. Too much of everything is too much," Yeosang explains.

They kept on walking as Seonghwa kept on asking questions and initiating a conversation that will only last for a minute or two, it seems like Yeosang isn't fond of talking but he's trying his best to distract Seonghwa on his thoughts and he would be lying is he thinks that he dislikes the silence more than anything. So after a while, he kept quiet as they enjoy the sound of cicadas and the cold breeze.

It took them an hour and half to arrive at the bus stop and Seonghwa felt like his knees are about to break as he sat at the bench, Yeosang followed him and sat beside him. He can see the night sky already as a bunch of stars illuminates the whole place, giving off a silvery light to everything underneath it.

"The skies are pretty," Yeosang said as he smiled, "Especially when it's night, this is an advantage of a town like this. No huge buildings and condominiums to cover the sky, I like it here even though it's a dangerous place."

"But didn't you think of leaving here?" Seonghwa asked.

Yeosang looked down with a sad smile on his face, "I would if I could. But I have to stay here.."

"How can you survive in that place? There's barely even supplies in it," Seonghwa asked again. He was so curious of how the people in that town lives.

"Every week, the government delivers supplies to that convenience store in our town so we wouldn't be able to starve. And it is beside the police station so no one dares to steal or to barge in there for money," Yeosang said as he looked at the sky once again, "Despite having a police station, the police doesn't really mind those crimes around the town. If someone dies, then they'll just report it. They don't take their jobs seriously.. probably because our town isn't that valuable in this country. Aside from that, the only decent work in that town is to become a clerk of the convenience store, to become a police or to be a worker at that factory on the eastern side of the town. _Life isn't easy for most of the people in __here_."

"I see," Seonghwa said before he glanced at the brown-haired male "May I know what is your occupation, Yeosang?"

"I.. work at the convenience store," Yeosang sheepishly said, "It's for the daytime shift starting from six in the morning up to three in the afternoon and my.. mother sends me money."

"Why? Isn't your mother with you?" Seonghwa asked but Yeosang seems to flinch with the sudden question so he just tapped the younger male's shoulder "It's alright if you don't want to answer it, sorry for asking."

"No. It's fine! It's just that I was surprised to hear a question like that, I mean no one isn't even that interested in my life and you asked a lot.." Yeosang said before giggling, "You're kind of unique, Seonghwa-sshi."

"You don't need to be formal or anything, just call me Seonghwa."

Yeosang nods, "Seonghwa.. alright."

"Besides, we might see each other again. Do you visit the city sometimes?" Seonghwa asks.

Yeosang nodded again, "There are times that I visit that place.."

"Then you can visit me at the coffee shop where I work as a part-timer! From four in the afternoon up to ten in the evening,that is." Seonghwa suggested, "I'm a barista so I'd like to treat you for preventing me to initiate a risky decision."

"Well.. I'll try," Yeosang said as he scratched his cheek.

"I really hope to see you there," Seonghwa said as he suddenly looked at the bus that is about to arrive, "It's here!"

"Oh." Yeosang immediately scribbled something on two sticky notes before looking up at Seonghwa, "Hey, Seonghwa."

"What is i-" He was surprised when Yeosang sticked two sticky notes at his forehead and took it.

_"Put that in a place where you can see it,"_ Yeosang said as he smiled at him again. _Oh god. That smile is too beautiful_.

"T-Thanks.." Seonghwa muttered.

"Bus is here. You need to go, Seonghwa." Yeosang said as he slightly pushed the older male, _**"See you **__**again."**_

Seonghwa can only nod as he entered the bus, there aren't that much people in here and he decided to sit at the back as he looked at Yeosang that was waving at his for the last time. He can't help thinking about what happened in a few hours and how he met someone that made him change his mind, after planning about it for days.

He looked at the two sticky notes that was given to him by his angel of death, that beautiful person that managed to reach out on him and saved him from the sea of sadness.

** _'Life is tough but people are _ ** ** _tougher.'_ **

** _'Whenever things get rough, just keep on looking forward. Happiness is just a step away and _ ** ** _don_ ** ** _'t stop until you can grasp _ ** ** _it.'_ **

_Yeosang_ _ is really an interesting person._

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

AS SEONGHWA ARRIVED AT THEIR HOME, he immediately saw San and Jongho at the couch along with their foster parent's sister, Jiwon. All of them looked so worried and Jiwon kept on crying but as he opened the door, all of them looked at Seonghwa and everything was too quick.

"Hyung!" San and Jongho cried out as they hugged Seonghwa really tight, crying out loud like how they used to when they were just a bunch of kids.

"Seonghwa! I was so worried.. I thought.. I thought that you.." Jiwon couldn't even finish her sentence as she fell to the ground and cried.

Seonghwa felt horrible. His sight starts to get blurry as tears immediately fell from his eyes, he couldn't stand seeing them like this.

**_"I'm sorry.."_** Seonghwa muttered.


	3. 2 [voices]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i usually write 2k words for a chapter but it depends on how inspired i was to write it. as much as i wanted to add lots of flowery words in it, i kept on deleting 'em bc i think that they're sooo lame when it was on my fic :<
> 
> i hope that you'll be able to like this chapter. take care, everyone!

“Do you want to say anything else, Mr. Park?”

Seonghwa shook his head as a smile crept on his face, “Nothing. Thank you for your concern.”

“Don’t worry, child. It’s a part of our job to ensure your mental stability,” the doctor, Mrs. Kang stated as she smiled, her eyes crinkled “And besides, I’ve been friends with your mother for years and I’ve known you for such a long time.”

“Thank you for your concern,” Seonghwa repeated as he took his bag, “I’ll be going to work now.”

“Take care, Seonghwa!” The doctor said, waving her hands and Seonghwa did the same as he retreated the room.

Once that he’s out of the room, he lets out a sigh as he continued walking on the corridor. The place is too suffocating for him that staying here for just an hour or two makes him uneasy, he’s not good with hospitals. He despised the whole area ever since the doctors have failed to save his foster parents, causing him to turn into something that he used to mock.

_He felt bad._ He always thought that people are just exaggerating stuff and making themselves depressed but it isn't the case. He never felt so empty in his entire life, he never stared in the ceiling and not knowing what to do when he can clean the entire house and distract himself. He couldn’t distract himself, he doesn't have the will to do it.

_Of course, you’ll never be okay. You’ll be suffering until the end of it._

He wondered if psychiatrists can really help people like him to get over, venting to them can ease some of the pain but there’s still a portion of it unsaid and that remaining portion will slowly engulf him and turns into an entire sea of sadness and self-loathing, drowning him with the waves.

_You’ll never be okay. You’ll never be okay. You’ll never be okay._

Mrs. Kang is a wonderful person. She’s a great friend of his foster parents and a mother of a beautiful girl that is younger than him for a year or two, she had always been a sweet person that is looking out for them especially when her friends died and she knew what could happen to the boys.

_You won’t be okay._

Seonghwa felt bad because the woman’s efforts are going to waste because he had been broken. Broken into pieces that couldn’t be fixed so he can be like his old self— the carefree and happy Park Seonghwa.

Once that he’s out of the hospital, he lets out a sigh before proceeding to the bus station and fortunately, he was able to get in before it leaves. Immediately sitting on a vacant one in the back, he took his earpods and listened to his playlist. He tried to shut the voices inside him by listening to the calming melody yet it didn't stopped at all.

_You can’t make it stop, Seonghwa._

_You’ll never be okay._

_It’ll get worse soon._

_You’re going to suffer more._

_You can end it immediately if you _ _don_ _’t want to suffer anymore._

_It’s easy, Seonghwa._

_End it._

_End this pathetic life of yours._

_ **Kill yourself.** _

Seonghwa shut his eyes as he lets out hushed whimper and tries to focus on the song more than the horrendous voices inside his head. He tried his best to distract himself yet he kept on failing miserably, he just want to be okay.

Once that he gets out of the bus, he looked at his phone and the male’s eyes widened when he realized that he’s late for his shift and started to run towards the cafe.

“Mingi, I’m terribly sorry!” he immediately apologizes to the redhead as he bowed.

“H-Hey, hyung! It’s fine and it’s not like you’re always late! In fact, this is the first time!” Mingi waved both of his hands as he smiled at him, “Don’t worry about it too much.”

“But your class..”

“Nah, I'm cool with it. I can run if I’ll be late so don’t worry, Seonghwa-hyung!” Mingi beamed.

_“I’m really _ _sorry.”_

Seonghwa bit his lip in frustration as he ran towards the staff room and immediately changed into his work uniform, feeling bad towards the redhead for being late. He knew how hard it is to be a working student and balancing both academics and work, he knew how precious spare time is for people like him yet _what have he done_?

Mingi enrolled for evening classes and his first class for the day is at five-thirty and he usually have that one hour and thirty minutes to travel from the cafe up to their uni yet Seonghwa arrived on four-thirty. He’s making it worse for his friend that have done nothing but be a nice person towards him.

“Damn it,” Seonghwa muttered, clenching his fists before getting out of the staff room to replace Mingi “Mingi, you can change now. I’ll take over everything..”

“Ah, hyung! Thank you!” Mingi smiles before running back to the staff room and after a few minutes, he went out wearing his casual clothes and fixed his glasses, “I already placed the stocks there so you wouldn't need anything else, hyung!”

“Thank you,” Seonghwa sheepishly said before looking away, “Sorry for being late.”

“Nah, it's fine! Besides, our professor is really nice on this class so it's fine to be late!” Mingi stated before grinning at him, “Gotta blast, hyung!”

Seonghwa waved his hand as the taller male was already sprinting, on his way towards the bus station. Seonghwa lets out a sigh before placing a smile on his face yet this time, it’s nothing but a forced one.

••••••

Days have passed yet Seonghwa isn’t getting better. It’s been two weeks since that ‘attempt’ of his and the voices never stopped on tormenting him the whole time. He might've inflicted self-harm just to make them stop for a while but he makes sure that he's hiding them well in his sweaters and long-sleeved work uniform. He even lose his appetite and barely even slept because of the terrifying voices in his head.

_Look at Jongho. He’s such a strong person. For someone that’s a Mass Communication major and also a well-known chorale member of the uni!_

_Look at San! He’s a fine man now! Someone that is striving hard in the Psychology course and also taking up some dance course because he knows that he’s going to be successful in the future!_

_Both of them are so gifted, Seonghwa. How about you?_

_You and your pathetic self. _

He barely even smile or talk too much to his friends and even, Hongjoong, his bestfriend and also the son of the cafe’s owner have noticed his bestfriend’s change.

“Seongie-hyung, are you sure that you’re fine?” Hongjoong asks as his brows furrowed.

Seonghwa lets out an another forced smile and nods, “Of course.”

“Are you sure about that?” Hongjoong tilted his head a bit, “You can always talk to me if you’re having a rough time.”

“Ah, thank you for that. And you don't need to, Joongie. You already have a lot of stuff to take care of,”

“But we’re friends! And I’m here for you! Fuck academic requirements and all those shits! They won’t disappear and I can handle them later but you, you’re my friend and lots of people have been having a rough time. I’m kind of afraid that you might be one of them and..” Hongjoong bit his lower lip as he looked away, “I don't want to lose you, hyung.”

Seonghwa sighs, “Silly. You’re not going to lose me.”

“I better not! That’s why I'm checking you up!” Hongjoong crossed his arms before leaning on the wall, “Hey, you've filed a one-week leave last last week, right? What for? And you didn’t even attended on any of your class despite being the resident good boy?”  
  


Seonghwa froze. He never told anyone about his outbursts and even San along with Jongho kept their mouth shut. The only ones that knew about it was their aunt, his siblings and also Mrs. Kang. He couldn’t tell them about it because he knew that they’re already facing a lot of problems and their uni life is getting shittier because of the neverending requirements and projects from the insensitive professors.

_Tell him! Tell him how pathetic you are and he’ll leave you! And even if you asked for someone's help, you’ll never be okay. You’ll never be happy, Park Seonghwa._

“Well. You knew about my mom’s death, right? I just have to take care of some documents since we’re just adopted by her,” Seonghwa said, cursing his entire existence for lying at Hongjoong.

“Ah! Yes. I’m terribly sorry for your loss, Seongie-hyung..”

“It’s alright. I'm sure that she’s with our Dad now and that thought makes me feel okay,” Seonghwa stated as he flipped to the next page of his textbook, “How about you, Joong? Don’t you have to think of some designs for your project?”

“I do! And I have an idea for it! You knew how important this project is to me, Seongie-hyung! And me, your brilliant dongsaeng, already has a lot of designs coming up on his mind! Inspiration~” Hongjoong raised his arms as Seonghwa facepalmed.

“We’re in a cafe, Hongjoong. People are staring.”

“Yeah. My family’s cafe and I don’t give a fuck if they think that I’m a weirdo!” Hongjoong exclaims, pouting in annoyance.

“I know that you don’t but calm down,” Seonghwa gently stated as he giggled.

_Look at Hongjoong. He’s so strong! He might be quite an eccentric one but does he even care? No. How about you, coward? You’re too afraid to show your true self now._

_Pathetic._

_**Stop.**_ Seonghwa bit his lips in frustration once again as he tries not to panic, he’s tired from his evening shift and he have to review for a quiz tomorrow. And he shouldn’t even have a breakdown in the middle of the cafe that he’s working at, in front of his bestfriend and Wooyoung, also a close friend of him that’s on the graveyard shift.

“Seongie-hyung?”

Seonghwa immediately met Hongjoong’s worried gaze and he forced an another smile, “Pardon?”

“Are you okay?” _No. I’m not._

“Of course, Joongie. I’m probably tired from my shift and also for this reviewing shit.”

Hongjoong seems to be unconvinced “Are you sure about that?”

“Yes.” Seonghwa knew that he wouldn't be able to convince Hongjoong any further so he immediately took his textbook and placed it on his bag before standing up, “I think that I should be home by now. San and Jongho must’ve been looking for me and I have to sleep.”

“Want me to give you a ride home?” Hongjoong offers.

Seonghwa shook his head, “No thanks.”

“Alright then. Take care, hyung.”

“Likewise.”  
  
  


Seonghwa immediately ran out of the cafe and proceeds to the bus station, not stopping until he’s assured that Hongjoong wouldn’t be able to follow him any further. He’s bad at lying, he wouldn’t be able to fool anyone with this. He’s too weak and fragile.

Can he even get through this?

Is attending the therapy worth it?

_Of course, it doesn't. Fool._

_You’re just wasting your time._

_You’ll be suffering until the end, Seonghwa._

“Stop!” he screamed as he covered both of his ears.

Fortunately, he’s the only one that’s in the area and he whimpers. He wants to cry but he doesn’t want to attract any unwanted attention, it’ll make him feel worse.

He just want to be okay. Why is it so hard to be okay?

_“Ah. I want to _ _die.”_


	4. 3 [resigned]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for violence and implied self-harm at the end of the chapter.
> 
> take care, everyone ;;

_ **• Yeosang •** _

  


“Thank you.” Yeosang bowed as his customers left.

He was left in the convenience store once again while an old song on the stereo was playing, he immediately went back to his seat as he opened his worn out textbook from highschool and rereads it for the nth time.

He dreamt of being an engineer yet he knew that dreaming too big would just made him fall so he immediately threw it away as if it wasn’t important at all.

He isn’t capable of being able to grasp what he actually needs. He’s okay to be like this. He doesn’t even attempt on getting better or escaping on his _cruel_ fate.

He stayed still and lets everything happen as he go with the flow.,

His heart was kind and it moves people. This is probably why no one messes with him in such a dangerous neighborhood where death is nothing but a usual thing to them. He has been kind ever since he was a child, helping out others as much as he could.

He helped them. Despite their race, reputation or financial stability, as long as he’s capable of helping them, _he’ll do it_.

Even the ones that wanted to die.

Maybe that’s why he has been called as an _angel of death_ by the other people who attempted to end their lives on the infamous building which happens to be their apartment complex. _At the very least, he kept on attempting to save people like them_.

Whenever he doesn’t have a shift on his work, he’s staying there. In his safety zone as he kept on doodling his original characters which he calls _‘__hehetmon__’_ on papers while the sticky notes was filled with inspiring quotes. He hopes that he can save them with these and let them know that everything will be okay soon.

_Kang_ _ Yeosang does his best on saving people from misery because he wasn’t able to get away from his own._

“Yeosang, it’s my turn now. You can head home,” the other part-timer, Donghun, stated as he tapped the younger male's shoulder.

“Ah, Donghun-hyung. Sure thing,” Yeosang softly says as he smiled at him before standing up.

“Do you want to eat something before leaving? You look like you’ve been getting thinner day by day. I brought food and it's in the table inside,” Donghun frowns as he looked at the grey-haired male from head to toe, “And dyeing your hair wouldn’t mean that it would take anyone’s attention on your well-being.”

“Ah, I failed.” The grey-haired male dramatically said before giggling, “I’ll get some rice meal before leaving if that’ll make your worry lessen a bit.”

“It will, Sang.” Donghun sat before checking the register, “You have to take care of yourself too, Yeosang.”

“I will. I will~” he singsongs before proceeding to the staff room.

Just like what Donghun says, there is a bento in the table and Yeosang couldn’t help but chuckle at the older male’s worry. He smiles in delight as he saw chicken in it and immediately digs in as he savor the rich taste of his favorite food. Chicken can cheer him up anytime, he’s that _simple_.

He cleans the room before changing in his casual outfit as he bought a loaf of bread before heading out, he took the usual way towards his _home_. Stopping by to check the old lady living by herself on a shabby house and giving her the loaf of bread that he brought which makes the lady smiles in sadness. She has been looking over Yeosang since he was a child and when her mother left, she kept an eye on the boy and treats his wounds whenever the monster residing his home is going berserk.

He also left a bottle of milk before continuing his way home, every single footstep kept on getting heavier as he gets near. His heart won’t stop pounding in fear and he just hopes that the _monster_ is asleep or else, he will be painted in red and purple marks everywhere as a sign of him being _unloved._

_And it seems that today __isn__’t his lucky day_. The moment that he opened the door, his gaze met the monster’s. It kept on swaying due to the beer on his hand while it glared at the grey-haired male which stood still. He tried to ignore the gazes from their neighbors looking at him with pity as the monster immediately raised his left arm and punched the unfortunate male, making him fall to the ground.

“You fucking piece of shit!” the monster growled as it gripped his collar before kicking Yeosang.

“Please stop.” he begs.

“Me? Stop? Are you fucking kidding me?!” the monster punched Yeosang once again on the jaw and it made the grey-haired male whimper in pain, “Listen, bastard! Your mother left you here to suffer! That fucking bitch left you to make me suffer and I’m going to beat the shit out of you until I couldn’t recognize that shitty face of yours! _You look like __her_.”

Yeosang was dragged inside their apartment and his father began to kick him mercilessly as Yeosang gave up. He just lets the man beat him until he's exhausted and went back to the couch as he took an another bottle of beer. The grey-haired male could barely even stand as he bit his lip when his body felt like it was burning in pain, shutting his eyes as he tried to endure it all.

“Get in here and stop making a scene, you fucking brat!” he heard the monster screamed, glaring at his figure.

He lets out a whimper when he tried taking a step towards their room yet he knows better, he knew that once he made a cry or even something loud that the monster could notice, he’ll have it _worse_. And that is something that he shouldn’t even attempt, he’s already scared of what might happen to him.

Step by step, he reached his own room and immediately locked it before letting himself fall on his worn out bed, hissing in pain as it made contact with his skin. He probably had lots of bruises on his back for being kicked nonstop by the monster that resides with him, he would make sure to apply some cold compress on it sooner.

But now, all that he can do is to sleep the pain away. Because he can only escape from this cruel fate of his whenever he’s asleep.

As he lets himself be cradled by Hypnos towards his safety zone, he suddenly thought about a certain male that he saved recently and he can't help but smile.

_I wonder how is that guy right now. Maybe I should visit him soon_.

** _° Seonghwa °_ **

  
Seonghwa isn’t getting better. The sad thing about it is that he isn’t even doing something to prevent himself on getting worse, completely giving up even with all of the therapies and comfort from his family.

His family is incomplete. He wants their parents back, he wants to see them smile genuinely once again.

“Seongie-hyung, whataya thinking about?” Seonghwa looked at Hongjoong which seems to be worried for him.

“Nothing much.”

“Stop lying to me, Seongie-hyung. You’ve been like this for weeks. Last week, you’ve avoided my question too. You can’t keep it to yourself for too long, whatever that is, talk to me about it.”

Hongjoong seems to be motivated on making him talk and it’s making him nauseous yet he faked an another smile, “I-I’ll talk to you about _it_ when I’m ready, Joongie. You know that I wouldn’t be able to resist my bestfriend.”

“You better be!” Hongjoong huffed, crossing his arms.

“Alright then.” Seonghwa giggled before closing the book that he’s currently reading and took his reading glasses off “Joong, I’d like to ask you about something though.”

“What is it?” Hongjoong seems to be fired up on entertaining his hyung as his eyes seems to sparkle when Seonghwa is about to ask something.

“Wh..What do you think about people that wanted to end their lives?” Seonghwa asks as he immediately looked away on the shorter male.

“You mean, the _suicidal_ ones?” Hongjoong asks back and the black-haired male nodded, “Well, I’m kind of sad when it comes to them. They must’ve been through something bad to become like that and yearning for their death as a last resort. As much as I could, I would help someone like that. They deserve to live longer and to have a happy life instead of drowning in a sea of sadness. _They deserve better, __Seonghwa-__hyung_.”

“Ah, I see.” Seonghwa muttered before smiling towards his bestfriend, “Hongjoong, you’re such a kind-hearted person.”

“It’s nice to hear that some people thinks that I’m like that, hyung. My classmates thinks that I’m an arrogant just because I love to show most of my works which ended up being praised by the professors,” Hongjoong stated, pouting in annoyance.

“Well. They're dead wrong about that, sucks to be them for hating such a cinnamon roll like you.”

Hongjoong laughs as he squished his cheeks using both of his palms while saying in a cutesy tone, “Hongjoongie is a cinnamon roll!”

“Stop that, idiot.” Seonghwa shows his cringe expression as he smacked his bestfriend's head, making both of them laugh.

They kept on chatting until it was time for Hongjoong to attend his classes and Seonghwa was left alone once again, the warmth that he was feeling is starting to fade. Talking to someone can distract you but once that you’re alone, it starts to come back and make your life miserable as much as possible.

He immediately went back to his home, sighing when he realized that no one is home. Jongho and San must’ve been on one of their classes while their foster aunt is probably at her workplace.

_Look, Seonghwa. You’re all alone._

_No one can save you now, Seonghwa._

He tried to distract himself by attempting to prepare a meal for himself. But the moment that he saw the knives, the thoughts started to haunt him again.

_Look at how sharp those knives are, Seonghwa!_

_You can stab yourself with it._

_It will hurt but if you stab yourself in the right place then the pain will end._

_Everything will end as soon as possible._

“Shut up.” Seonghwa gritted his teeth as he tried to focus on preparing his meal yet the thoughts kept on talking louder and screeching.

_Do it, Park Seonghwa!_

** _Kill yourself!_ **   
  


He slammed the utensils and ran towards his room, locking it as he fell on his knees and cowered towards the corner of his own room, the fairy lights as the only provide of light in it. He covered his ears and shut his eyes as the thoughts kept on muttering as if they’re near him, making him whimper.

_No one is here to save you, Seonghwa._

_Why _ _don_ _’t you kill yourself so you can finally meet your parents?_

_You can do it, Seonghwa. _ _Don_ _’t even try to overcome this, we’re just persuading you so you can finally end your misery._

_There’s a lot of items that can be used for that!_

_There’s a bleach in the laundry room, you can drink it all._

_Razors are in the comfort room and you can drown yourself in your own bathtub._

_Even the medicines on the first aid kit, drink it all and overdose yourself._

_There’s a lot of way to do it, Seonghwa._

“No. Please stop,” Seonghwa whimpered as tears started to fall from the corner of his eyes, “Please leave me alone.”

_Why, Seonghwa? We’re just helping you._

“Please stop. _Please_.” 

_ **Do it, Seonghwa.** _

He’s all alone and all that he can do is to comply so the thoughts can disappear _even just for a while._


	5. 4 [distraction]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for self-harm
> 
> always remember that someone out there cares for you so please be well.

_ **° Seonghwa °** _

_It stings._

He felt so exhausted despite getting enough sleep. His heart felt so heavy and the screams inside his head are cackling in triumph for Seonghwa letting them get the best of him. He looked at the cutter on his study table and he couldn’t help but remember every single detail of what happened last night, feeling a lump on his throat.

He hissed when he stood and the tingling pain whenever he moves his legs, he decided to get to the bathroom after picking up his casual clothes and decided to strip. He looks at the angry red lines in his thighs and he felt like it hurts even when he’s just looking at it. His pearly white thighs covered in red lines, showing him how weak he is for listening to the voices.

Tears started springing out of his eyes once again and he blames himself for being weak. For succumbing to the voices inside him and for starting something that he wouldn’t be able to stop because he knew that the cutter got in contact with his skin, he’s going to experience it often. Or worse, he might look for something that could be worse than the box cutter that he owns.

After crying for a few minutes, he lets himself get into the shower and he hissed when the warm water got in contact with the cuts. It’s painful yet he can tolerate it, thinking that it isn’t that bad despite what he have done being a red flag already.

He lets himself get comforted by the warmth and cleans himself up, gently applying soap in the cuts yet he still kept on hissing. The pain never stopped even when he wore the jeans, he can feel it on every movement. He looked at the mirror and he can’t help but notice what kind of a mess he is right now. The way his face was sunken and the dark circles were apparent, his eyes doesn’t shine the way it used to— dark orbs that life doesn’t shines into.

“I should get going,” he muttered before retreating to the bathroom and taking up his bag, making sure that everything he needed is in there along with his uniform for work, “All done.”

“Good morning, Seonghwa-hyung!” The moment that he was out of the room, San beamed and gave him a wide smile.

“Morning,” he replied.

“Breakfast is ready, hyung. Let’s eat!” San was about to offer his hand when Seonghwa immediately shook his head.

“I have to go now, San. I think I’ll pass.” Seonghwa saw how the smile in San’s face isn’t as wide as it is and he felt bad “Sorry.”

“Oh no! Why are you apologizing, hyung? It’s alright!” San sheepishly said as a chuckle was heard, “But I won’t let you leave the house with an empty stomach.”

“Okay.” Seonghwa forced a small smile on his lips, an attempt to assure the younger male that he’s alright.

He arrived at the dining room and greeted his aunt and Jongho which was munching on the breakfast happily, cheeks stuffed and nodded at him. Seonghwa thought that it’s cute when the youngest is like this, carefree and not even thinking about the calories of the food he eats unlike the usual. He immediately excuses himself after taking a sandwich and left the house as soon as possible, letting himself get suffocated by the affection that he got.

_I _ _don_ _’t deserve them._

_I _ _don_ _’t deserved to be loved._

_Please just ignore my existence. I’m not worthy of being a part of your lives._

He kept on thinking about how unworthy he is on living a life with his family, he probably made them worried with all of his shenanigans. He kept on biting his lips even when he arrived at his class, barely even listening to any of it as the voices inside his head were distracting him once again. _They never gave him a break at all, screaming and laughing at him throughout the entire day._

_You did it, Seonghwa. But you can surpass that though._

_Cut yourself deeper. And not just in your thighs. Do it on your wrists, Seonghwa._

_Make it deeper. Make sure to cut a vein or two._

_And everything will end for you. It’ll be your salvation._

He shuts his eyes as he clenched his fists, trying to silence the voices yet it went louder and Seonghwa wanted to cry if only he wasn’t in class. He bit his lips once again, tasting something metallic yet he didn’t even mind it and tried his best to focus on his class. And most of it failed miserably, his thoughts are distracting him even on his own job. The way his pants gets in contact with the cuts, the tingling pain that makes Seonghwa hiss every single time makes it worse to distract himself. He needs to find a way to calm himself or else he’ll be a panicking mess throughout the entire day.

_He needs something to calm him down._

That’s what has been on his mind until he arrived at the convenience store to grab some iced coffee. He didn’t even expect that he’ll be looking at a thing that disgusts him ever since he was just a child as if he needs it too much.

He heard that cigarettes can calm people and that’s why it was used a lot by some of his classmates. Seonghwa doesn’t know if he should buy it along withe the iced coffee yet he just wanted the voices to stop even just for a while as he distract himself on something— _whether it’ll destroy him more than the damage that he’s been receiving._

“Fuck this.” He grabbed a pack along with a lighter and went to the cashier to pay for the items that he brought.

He felt his hands shaking in both fear and anticipation as he hid it on his bag, he walked towards the bus station and looked at the starry sky. He can’t help but stare at it too much, mesmerized by the sparkling light on the night sky. He wondered if his foster parents are up there, watching over them together.

_“To end the pain you’re feeling, I guess? That is what everyone that went here thinks before jumping or before running away from this place but my mother said to me before that people who killed themselves and those who died with intense hatred goes to hell. And they kept on experiencing how they died once every single day, to make them remember why they were in hell so if you killed yourself, you’ll probably be there and you will feel how your bones cracked, how it hurts when you fell to the ground and how _ _you—”_

He suddenly gasped and clenched his fists, remembering the voice of the one that saved him from his suicide attempt. He knew that it wasn’t aware of how his foster mother died before he said it, it’s more of an empty threat that would scare people that is not brave enough to kill themselves. And he can still remember the gentle expression on the male’s face as he said those hideous words, he meant no harm.

Seonghwa wondered how is that boy right now. He can recall the boy introducing himself as Yeosang and giving him two sticky notes with inspiring quotes in it. He suddenly felt a pang on his chest, Yeosang is probably wishing for his recovery yet he was on an another stage of ruining himself.

_It’s not like he’ll know about it. And he’s just a _ _ **nobody** _ _, Seonghwa._

_Don_ _’t even think that he wants you to get better, he’s probably just getting rid of you on his neighborhood because pesky people like you kills themselves on areas that disturb the ones that live there._

_Foolish Seonghwa. _

The moment that he arrived at their house, it was filled with silence and some of the lights are off. He knew that the others have rested already, knowing that there will be classes and work tomorrow. He immediately went to the fridge to grab a drink when he saw a note in it.

_‘Hyung! There’s chicken in the fridge! Just heat it up and eat! Take care of yourself! We love you, _ _Seonghwa-_ _hyung_ _! ❤’_

The note is supposed to make him feel warm yet it made him feel dread and everything suddenly went dark. He felt like he was trapped in a room filled with ice as his heart shattered in the thoughts that was consuming his sanity right now. It was supposed to be a heartwarming moment for him but all that he had is a slap from the harsh reality.

He was being a burden to his family to be reminded by something like this. He makes them worry about him. He’s being a nuisance to his family.

_It would be better if you’re not a part of it then, Seonghwa. The family’s better without you anyway. You’re pathetic, making them worried about your wellbeing. You _ _don_ _’t even deserve such kindness._

He knew that they would worry more if he wouldn’t eat. He just let himself prepare the meal, he didn’t feel like eating. He felt sick but he have to eat this in order for them not to worry about him, they’re already having a lot of problems and he’s starting to be one of it. _He __doesn__’t want that at all_.

Every bite makes his heart heavier and he forced himself to consume everything before cleaning up the dishes. He felt sick. The chicken is supposed to taste good but he have lost his sense of taste and all that ee wanted to do is to make the pain that he's feeling throughout his entire body out as soon as possible. He suddenly remembered his mother, hanging from the ceiling as her eyes were dull and staring at Seonghwa.

He remembered the gaze that he had from his dead mother and it made him ran towards his room, not even bothering to lock and heads straight to the bathroom before throwing up on the toilet. He kept on throwing up until all that he can let out was liquid, coughing it all out before leaning on the tile.

He felt sick. And this sickness is consuming him in a painful way— consuming him slowly as if it wanted Seonghwa to suffer for a lot longer.

He immediately flushed the toilet and rinsed his mouth yet the lingering taste of bile was still kept so he brushed his teeth furiously, he kept on brushing until he can see blood on his toothbrush before rinsing his mouth once again. He took a glance on the mirror and he hates what he’s currently staring at now, he hates the way his reflection stares back at him too— as if it’s mocking him for turning like this.

He doesn’t even realize that he’s crying once again, letting the sorrow get the best of him before getting out of the bathroom to lock his own room. He looked at the box cutter on his study table and didn’t even hesitate to grab it and head back to the bathroom. Removing his clothes before sitting on the floor and immediately piercing the sharp metal besides the cuts from yesterday, looking at how the crimson red blood seeps out of it.

_One, for not being able to focus on his class._

_Two, for not being able to focus on his work._

_Three, for making his family worried._

_Four, for being weak enough._

_Five, for existing._

He kept on adding cuts on his thighs as he kept on finding a reason for him to inflict more to his own body, hand shaking too much from the pain as he hopes for it to disappear. He didn't even realized that he lose his grip on the cutter as he realized that he was on the floor and blood was all over his thighs. He stayed on the same place as he felt too tired to even cry before cleaning up his cutter and took a quick shower, whimpering when the water hits his newly inflicted cuts. Before getting out of the bathroom, he made sure to clean up the mess that he made and he felt like throwing up on the sight of his own blood in it.

He couldn't stand staying in it for too long and went to his room as he took the medicine kit and patched himself up before wearing a sweater and sweatpants. _It stings a lot now_. Yet he felt numb and the voices are starting to get back but Seonghwa wouldn’t let them. He immediately opened his bag and took the pack of cigarettes out along with the lighter, he looked at it with dull eyes.

He never even tried one. All that he knows is that he have to inhale the smoke and exhale it, that’s all that he knows and he might be wrong because all of the things he knew about smoking is based on his observation on people. He used to hate seeing people smoke, wondering why do they even do that and what could it cause them to continue smoking.

Well. _Maybe now, he’ll be able to sympathize them by doing it too._

He opened the window as he held the cigarette on the middle of his index and middle finger before inhaling some of the smoke, coughing it out immediately when he felt it got stuck on his throat. He can feel tears threatening to fall from his eyes as the taste of it lingered on his mouth, cursing himself for even attempting to brush his teeth just to end up smoking later on.

“Baby steps, Hwa.” he reminded himself before inhaling some of it before exhaling it out.  
  


He kept on doing it again and again until he finally had the grasp of it. Puffing the smoke as he stood beside the window, looking at the starry sky once again. Much to his surprise, the voices didn’t even bothered him as he kept on smoking. Before he even knows it, he was already on his third one. _This works,huh._

It can calm him down. The pain disappears for a while and his mind was clear, not even thinking about anything else. He lets out a relieved sigh, silently hoping that this could remove the pain that he’s feeling.

Jokes on him, the pain isn’t on the outside. It’s on the inside, his heart is breaking into pieces as he ruins himself more and more while trying to _distract_ himself. He knew that inflicting self-harm is a double-edge sword, it can distract him for now but later, the pain from will make him remember everything.

It’ll encourage him to add more as it can be his distraction yet it’s the moving force for him to ruin himself until there’s nothing of him left anymore to be ruined.

He needs a distraction to keep himself on moving towards the other day because Seonghwa is already getting tired of this.

He will end this soon. He’ll make the pain go away and this time, no one will be there to stop him.


	6. 5 [warmth]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uh... here's an another update and yeosangie's here! also @yungi will definitely be a sad ship in this fic ;;
> 
> i'd like to ask ya'll for comments about the chapter since i really wanna know what ya'll think about the update and if there's smth that i should improve at since i'm aware on how shitty my stories are ;;
> 
> take care! ❤
> 
> scream at me in twt @_hyriette

  
** _• Seonghwa •_ **

Days passed and it’s becoming worse, much to Seonghwa’s anticipation. The sleepless nights and the mornings that he can’t even get up, his thoughts kept him up and attached to his own mattress. If it wasn’t for the reason of not worrying his family, he would've lock himself in his room until he rots.

He stopped looking at the mirror. Seonghwa knew that he’ll hate the one that will be staring back at him, mocking the changes on his appearance. He started neglecting himself more and more as the dark circles around his eyes are more evident along with his hair getting longer yet he doesn’t even bother cutting it up.

He feels like he looks hideous so hiding his face by letting his hair grow is a good idea.

Smoking had been a habit to him. Whenever he felt like he was getting suffocated, he would back out and head to a smoking area to do it. It’s his only coping mechanism that he can do in public. Unlike the way he cuts himself in his own bathroom while crying his heart out in the middle of the night.

He hasn’t been able to talk his own family for a while, isolating himself in his room and kept on making excuses about him being busy with his projects. It was somehow true but Seonghwa’s been done with his project already and he had been reviewing a few chapters earlier than what his professors had been lecturing, he have been always a bright student but was seen as an average one. Aside from his looks, he never stood out on academics because he would prefer to listen attentively instead of participating for extra credits.

He used to be an average man, making a few friends and working hard for his savings and for his school fees. Some were given to help their family since they’re not rich, they have to work or else, they might not be able to eat three times a day. Seonghwa, on the other hand, started to neglect his own health ever since the tragedy in their family happened.

The memory of his foster mother’s corpse hanging on a rope as its eyes seems to look back at him was imprinted on his mind and whenever he’ll eat something, it’ll appear and he would lose his appetite. There are times that he wouldn’t be able to decline and would eat to prevent his family on getting worried about him. But he would dash towards his bathroom and throw everything up, loathing himself even more.

He would smoke often and add some cuts on his thighs, he’s running out of spaces now and it’s making him frustrated because the old cuts aren’t healed yet and he might cut on the same area if the voices decides to attack him once again. He barely even slept, staring at the ceiling for hours yet his mind was blank. He feels so empty that he couldn’t even force a smile nowadays.

This day isn’t different from any of those. The voices are usually pestering him nonstop as he tried to keep his focus on the music that was played in one of his playlist, the earpods attached to both of his ears. The professor wasn’t able to attend their class so they’re free to do anything for the entire period, it was Seonghwa’s last class before proceeding to his part-time job.

He was contemplating if he’ll stay or if he’ll be travelling early towards the cafe but he decided to review a few chapters of what the professor have lectured a few days ago before deciding to close his books and leaves the room immediately. Seonghwa kept his head low as he walked towards the building’s exit, too immersed on the music while doing his best to ignore the taunting voices.

He wasn’t even able to hear that someone’s calling his name until he felt a hand in his wrist, stopping him on his tracks “What—_Hongjoong_?”

Hongjoong smiled as Seonghwa paused the music, “I was calling you a lot of times but you didn’t hear me, hyung.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Hongjoong chuckled before looking at Seonghwa in an unreadable expression, “We haven’t been able to talk for a while.”

“I’ve been busy.” Seonghwa lied as he looked away, biting his lower lip as he kept his head low.

“I understand,” Hongjoong says, being the understanding friend that he is as the thought made Seonghwa feel a pang on his chest “It’s kind of tough to have any spare time now that the midterm’s about to murder all of us.”

“Indeed.”

“You, on the other hand, must’ve been alright with it. You’re always ready on midterms, hyung! I’m sure that you’ll be able to pass it!” Hongjoong beams.

“It’s not like that,” Seonghwa sheepishly said as he avoided the younger male’s gaze.

“Hyung, remember that you can talk to me anytime. Just one message and I’ll be there!” Hongjoong reminded him, patting his back “See ya later, hyung!”

Seonghwa felt stupid for avoiding Hongjoong’s gaze the whole time and he immediately ran outside until he arrives at the bus station. He felt stupid for running away just because of that, he can’t help but feel stupid because of his actions. He just hoped that it didn’t made Hongjoong worried about him, he doesn’t need to know that he made someone important from him literally worried.

_Well. You fucked it up again, Seonghwa. _

_Everyone is worried about you and you’re being too obvious._

_**Shut up.**_ Seonghwa’s jaw clenched as he tried prying the thoughts away and at the same time, entering the bus and picking the seat on the back beside the window. It was a nice day, not too sunny and not too cloudy. Just the right one for Seonghwa’s day to be ruined so easily because of his own decisions. He can’t help but hold his thigh, making him feel the pain from the cuts that is confined by his thick jeans.

At least, the pain is there for him to redeem himself. Cutting himself whenever he does something wrong at the end of the day makes him feel a bit light-headed but relieved. Seonghwa is aware that it’s _wrong_ but whenever he cut himself for a mistake, it makes him feel relief. That he redeemed himself by hurting him despite it breaking him faster than the usual.

“You’re early, Seonghwa-hyung! Hello!” Mingi beamed, waving his hand at him.

“The professor didn’t attend so I decided to crash in earlier than I should,” Seonghwa replies, tilting his head a bit as he smiled.

Mingi grinned, “I see. My late night classes barely even experiences that. The professors’ too determined to attend the classes!”

“Is it a bad thing?” Seonghwa asked.

The redhead shook his head, “Not really! Besides, I still manage to get more than six hours of sleep!”

“Lucky you,” Seonghwa replied, ruffling the redhead’s hair.

“Hyung! Watch it! I styled that!” Mingi whines as he was cleaning the stool, “Speaking of that, you look kind of tired lately. Are you okay, Seonghwa-hyung?”

Seonghwa felt something shattered once again from Mingi’s question as his worried expression was plastered on his face “I’m alright.”

“You sure about that, hyung? You looked like you haven’t been sleeping,” Mingi remarks as he looked at Seonghwa from head to toe, “You’ve lost some weight too.”

“It’s probably just because of the stress I’m getting for the midterms. Nothing more, nothing less.” _Lies._

“Please take care of yourself, hyung.” Mingi reminded him as he patted his back, “I know that I’m quite of a busybody but I’m here for you, Seonghwa-hyung.”

Seonghwa can’t help but feel warm because of Mingi’s statement as a small smile crept on his lips, “I appreciate that, Mingi. Thank you.”

“No problem, hyung. It’s just that I’m quite observant on people going through something.” Mingi cheerily stated as he looked at Seonghwa, “I know someone that is going through hell right now and I’m kinda worried that if I looked away for a minute or two, I’ll lose him.”

“Oh.” Seonghwa felt like his heart was pierced a lot of times on the way Mingi’s expression turned into a melancholic one.

“But I’m doing my best to keep him in shape! I love him, Seonghwa-hyung. That’s why I’ll never give up on him,” Mingi said, forcing a smile on his lips.

_“Him?”_

“Oh. Shit.” Mingi widened his eyes as he immediately lets out a nervous chuckle, “Well. Yeah.”

Seonghwa wanted to kill himself on the spot on the way that Mingi tensed, waiting for Seonghwa to say something mean. Seonghwa never thought about people like him in a bad way, he’s always the understanding one. But the way that he made Mingi feel bad about himself makes the voices taunt him more, adding to one of the reasons why he should disappear on this life.

“I’m cool with that.” Seonghwa casually stated as he saw how Mingi’s surprised expression, “I don’t have anything against _that_. If that makes you happy then I respect that.”

“That’s a relief!” Mingi sighed as he held his chest, “Some people would give me dirty looks for being like this.”

“They’re nothing but a bunch of assholes,” Seonghwa stated and crossed his arms, trying to act as calm as he is.

“I was actually worried that you’ll dislike me because I’m gay, Seonghwa-hyung.” The way that Mingi’s expression shows relief makes Seonghwa feel a bit better.

Seonghwa chuckled as he shook his head, “I won’t hate you for that. You’re one of the kind-hearted person that I know and I would support you as long as it makes you happy.”

“T-Thank you, hyung.” A faint blush was seen on Mingi’s face.

“It’s nothing, kiddo.” Seonghwa stood from his seat as he took his bag, “I’ll go outside for a while, Mingi. I just have to buy something in the convenience store but I’ll be back as soon as possible.”

“Take your time, Seonghwa-hyung.” Mingi beamed.  
  


Seonghwa chuckled at the taller male’s actions before leaving the cafe to head to the nearby alley, going to a smoking area. He leaned on the wall as he took his lighter out and put the cigarette at his lips. Seonghwa looked around and he was quite thankful that there isn’t a lot of people walking on the main road. Maybe it’s because most of them are in school or still at their workplace, Seonghwa knew that Fridays along with Sundays are the shifts that he have where he had to deal with a lot of customers.

Seonghwa felt so bad. He wanted to hurt himself for making his friends worry about him, the worried expression in their faces haunts him and he can’t help but clench his fists. Once again, he focused on smoking as he looked at the streets while the thoughts seems to go away along with his first one. And a second cigarette was taken from the pack as Seonghwa felt that it wasn’t enough to calm him down, puffing the smoke out of his lips as it disappears into thin air.

Mingi has someone that he loves that is _like_ him. He wondered if he’s getting better or just like Seonghwa, he lets the voices get the best of him most of the time He wondered what is his coping mechanism to this incurable illness that they’re going through.

He wondered if Mingi’s special someone also hates himself and tends to feel like he’s scum whenever someone’s worried about him. If there are scars evident on his skin or if he could eat something without even throwing it up, he wondered if the voices inside his head is worse than his own. Seonghwa kept on wondering that he doesn’t even noticed that his second cigarette's about to run out.

“This is enough,” he mutters as he lets it fall to the ground and stomped on it before walking his way back to the cafe.

“Oh. Welcome back, hyung!” Mingi beams and Seonghwa noticed a taller male in front of the counter with blond hair wearing a bright yellow hoodie, “Oh! Seonghwa-hyung! I’d like you to meet Yunho! He’s my boyfriend and Yunho, this is my co-worker, Seonghwa-hyung.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Seonghwa said as his lips curled upwards.

“Likewise.” Yunho shook their hands before smiling back at him.

“Both of you can talk for a while in one of the tables as I wait for my shift to end,” Mingi says, excusing himself to them as he went back to work.

“Let’s go?” Seonghwa says as the blond male nodded.

The moment that they went in one of the tables, Yunho didn’t even hesitate to break the awkward silence with something that made Seonghwa hear a screech in the back of his head.  
  
  


“You’re like me.”

“Excuse me?” Seonghwa furrowed his eyebrows as he looked straight at the blond male.

He was no longer smiling and the dull eyes proves that he’s also suffering the same thing “I said that you’re like me, Seonghwa-hyung.”

“How can say so?”

“First of all, your smile is too fake. For someone as dense as Mingi, they wouldn’t notice that. Call it a comrade’s intuition but I can sense that you’re suffering,” Yunho says as the other side of his lips curled upwards into a smirk, “Second, you smell like cigarettes. I’ve seen you smoking and you looked so lifeless a while ago.”

Seonghwa wanted to retort but he couldn’t find the right words to use so he sighed in defeat “My life sucks.”

“Same.” Yunho deadpans before he leaned in front of Seonghwa, “Aside from smoking, what do you do when things get rough?”

“Huh?”

“Do you drink? Use drugs? Or perhaps, _hurt yourself_?” The gasp that escaped from Seonghwa’s lips made Yunho let out a pained smile “It can’t be helped, right?”

Seonghwa nodded, “Yes.”

“Everything seems to make us feel bad, making us apologize for everything including our existence.” Yunho remarked, “We can hurt ourselves to our heart’s content but it would _never_ remove the pain and it'll keep on piling up until we’re drowning in it.”

“I can understand that,” Seonghwa said as he patted Yunho's shoulder, “But there are still times that we want to live, right?”

“Indeed.” The way Yunho looked at Mingi as an endearing smile crept on his lips along with the sparkle of life in the honey brown orbs made Seonghwa feel a pang of envy.

“Can’t relate.” Seonghwa scoffed but he immediately felt bad for acting so immaturely “Sorry.”

“That’s fine. I know how it feels to be insecure,” Yunho assures, waving his hand “But honestly, if it wasn’t for Mingi, I could’ve killed myself already.”  
  
  


Seonghwa felt like he’s being suffocated with just hearing the word _‘kill’ _in such a casual way from the blond male’s lips. He wondered how can someone say it so casually when Seonghwa is so afraid of reaching that point. As much as he destroys himself, there’s still a tiny bit of hope left in him— _begging to be saved from this abyss._

“Sometimes, _love_ can save a soul or two.” Yunho chuckled before looking back at Seonghwa.

“I tried living for my friends and family but it’s starting to get worse,” Seonghwa admits as he looked down, “I'm currently having a therapy with a psychiatrist but I still couldn’t get through it. _The voices are so __powerful_.”

“I can agree on that. There are times that I would slip in it and let the voices do whatever they want,” Yunho said, nodding in agreement “There are times that Mingi slips out of my mind and I ruin myself too much. There are times that I’ll be thinking that I don’t deserve him but the thought of losing him scares me. _I __wouldn__’t last a day without __Mingi_.”

“Love, huh?” Seonghwa can’t help but let out a bitter smile, unable to respond back on Yunho’s statement.

“I don’t have the heart to tell Mingi that I’m getting worse so I’m living my life numbing myself to everything,” Yunho stated as his eyes started to look dull once again.

If Seonghwa isn’t going through something, he would comfort the younger male but he’s already that comforting won’t save the likes of them “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Nah, I’m cool with you. You, however..” Yunho looked at him intently, “I'm still not sure if you’ll be able to make it but if you need to _numb_ yourself then feel free to contact me.”  
  
  


Yunho immediately exchanged his number with Seonghwa. Seonghwa wondered why did Yunho suggested such a thing, maybe he’s been through a lot that his last resort is numbing himself on everything as he kept on _living_. The thought scares him and he felt a lump on his throat as the urge to smoke once again entered his mind.  
  
  


“Why are you doing this?” Seonghwa asked on the moment that he can finally speak again.

“Because I knew how horrible it is. The sleepless nights and the mornings when you just want to lay down and stare at the ceiling as the thoughts are ruining us,” Yunho said, “If I were you, _I’d stop seeking for salvation_. It’s too pointless.”

“Aren’t you afraid of leaving Mingi?” he asks as he attempts to look for a bit of hope in Yunho’s eyes.

“Of course, I am. But the thought of knowing that he deserves better than someone that’s a mess is enough for me to leave him.” Yunho’s despairful expression makes his heart break into bits.

“Yunho—”

“Seonghwa-hyung, my shift's about to end!” They looked at Mingi which was looking at them and smiled a bit, “It seems that both of you are immersed on your conversation, sorry to ruin the moment.”

“Don't be! I should prepare now," Seonghwa said as he looked at Yunho, “It was nice meeting you, Yunho.”

“Don’t forget what I offered to you, Seonghwa-hyung.” Yunho grinned yet the way his eyes says that he’s tired says the otherwise.  
  
  
  
  


Seonghwa went to the staff room and changed his work outfit but not before brushing his teeth and applying perfume on his outfit to get the smell of cigarettes out of his own body. Seonghwa didn’t looked at the mirror and immediately proceeds to the counter to tap the redhead that smiles at him. 

He can’t help but feel envious on how Mingi was the source of Yunho’s warmth throughout the blizzard that’s he’s going through. The only source of comfort and reason for Yunho to continue living in this cruel world that laughs at the miserable ones.  
  


His shift started and just like the usual, he did his best on it. There are a few mistakes in which he’ll redeem later when he gets home but he manages to get through the shift. Time passed quickly and only thirty minutes was left for Seonghwa before his shift ends, he’ll be having a day-off on Saturday so he thinks that he’ll be isolating himself for the entire day.  
  


The bells chimed as a person entered the cafe and when Seonghwa was about to greet, his eyes widened at the sight. He can’t help but feel secured as he kept his gaze on _him_, feeling some kind of warmth as he saw the grey-haired male’s smile. He felt the same emotions this time just like when he met him on the rooftop of that building for the first time.   
  
  
  


“Good evening to you,” Yeosang, the angel that saved him greeted.


	7. 6 [vent buddy]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Ri, write some fluff for SeongSang”
> 
> And I ended up writing a 5.6k fic filled w crap that prolly doesn’t make sense.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading this fic. Comments and criticisms are highly appreciated bc I need them so much to see if my updates are too shitty or kind of decent to read. ♥

  
He waited for his bruises to heal, not that much, but to the point that he can conceal it. It still hurts and fortunately, he didn’t broke a bone or two. He was still able to go to his work yet he have to wear bandages that the people who saw him had their looks filled with pity or either disgust towards Yeosang. He couldn’t care less as he knew that he deserved all of it, he looked like a mess right now.

Yeosang became as stealthy as possible, remembering how his father was home during nighttime and Yeosang would keep on walking silently until he reaches his own bedroom and locking it up. Yeosang would still cook food for the both of them, leaving his father’s portion on the table before leaving the house to head to his workplace.

He’s friends with a lot of people in their neighborhood, even the shady people have a soft spot for the grey-haired male. Some offered to beat his father back for all the injuries that he caused to the young male but Yeosang politely declined all of it. As much as his father was nothing but a violent alcoholic man, he’s the only family that Yeosang have.

_“You’re too good for this world, _ _boy.”_

_“You deserved _ _better.”_

_“Why _ _don_ _’t you run away from here in order to get a better life?”_

_“You should leave your father _ _already.”_

He had been told by them a lot of times yet Yeosang knows that he _wouldn__’t_ be able to do that. _It’s not like he haven’t though of escaping the hellhole that he’s currently in_. It's just that he knew the consequences of it and he doesn’t want that to happen at all.

_After all, his father threatened him that if he dares to escape from him, he’ll seek __Yeosang’s__ mother and his sister’s whereabouts and would kill them_.

He knew that he isn’t joking at all. He nearly killed the grey-haired male and he wouldn’t hesitate to do the same on his wife and his daughter that escaped from him, making him worse than he used to be.

Fall is about to arrive and Yeosang reminded himself that he should buy a new set of clothes if he has some spare money with him, knowing that if he hid it, his father will just take it so he could buy an another bunch of liquor.

He decided to depart from their town on nighttime but not without leaving a note on the table with the food that he prepared for his father. The entire bus ride was silent as Yeosang listened to the songs on his old smartphone, leaning his head on the bus’ window as he stares at the grass field. He remembered telling the recent guy that attempted suicide on their rooftop to visit him on his work.

It took him two hours to arrive at the bus station near the cafe, staring at the city lights and the huge buildings. It’s been a while since he visited the city, he has been working and doing his best to survive on their town for years. He noticed how a lot have changed and he can’t help but look at everything in awe, fascinated on how beautiful it is.

Yeosang immediately looked for the cafe, passing through a lot of people. He can’t help but see how a lot of people seems to be suffering and felt a pang on his chest, he knew that he can’t help everyone. He knew how tough life is but despite all the hardships, he will still help if he’ll be able to. And that’s why he’s on his way to Seonghwa’s workplace, to check up on him.

It took him a few minutes to find the cafe, seeing Seonghwa in the counter and noticed how the male have shrunken. He used to be a bit built yet the Seonghwa that he’s seeing right now is thinner and he hung his head low as if he lacks confidence. Yeosang decided to enter the cafe and prepared his smile, ready to face the black-haired male. _He’s getting worse._

“We—” Seonghwa seems to stop as he looked at him as if he’s a deer in the headlights.

“Good evening to you.”

“Y-Yeosang..” He seems to be quite surprised on the grey-haired male’s appearance.

“I told you that I’ll be visiting you,” he cheekily stated, waving his hand at him.

“I thought that you wouldn’t be able to visit since you have work,” Seonghwa stated, still not believing what he’s currently seeing in front of him.

Yeosang sighs, “I actually have a lot of free time in my hands. I’m free during weekends since the part-timers got the weekend schedule for themselves.”

“Lucky you,” Seonghwa stated as he let out a tired sigh, “Is it okay if you’ll wait for me? You can wander around for twenty minutes, Yeosang.”

“I don’t mind waiting for you. I’ll be ordering anyway,” Yeosang said as he looked at the menu board, “One slice of the triple chocolate cake along with a double choco frappe would be nice.”

“A sweet tooth, huh?” Seonghwa smiled, somehow amused on how soft Yeosang looked and his taste “Cute.”

“I'm flattered. Most of the men dislike sweets because it’ll make them less manly,” Yeosang scoffs and shrugged before taking his wallet out, “How much is the total price, Seonghwa?”

“Don’t bother. It’s on me,” Seonghwa said, “Excuse me as I’ll get my credit card for a while.”

“Wait. You don’t have to! And isn’t that against your cafe's rules?” Yeosang asks worriedly.

Seonghwa shook his head, “Not really. And there’s a CCTV here so they can see that I used my _own_ money. The owner is actually nice so we’re allowed to do stuff like this and let’s just say, I’m their favorite.”

“How spoiled. I really want to pay for it though,” Yeosang chuckles.

“No way.” Seonghwa's lips curled upwards into a small smile, “I wouldn’t let you, Yeosang. Remember what I promised you? That I’ll treat you for _saving __me_.”

_But you __weren__’t even saved at all. Your eyes tells me different than what your mouth does._ Yeosang just kept his mouth shut and smiled, nodding in defeat as Seonghwa excused himself and returned immediately as he swiped his credit card. Yeosang can’t help but admire how beautiful Seonghwa is and he would be delighted to see him smile genuinely— _unlike the __half-assed__ smiles that he does right now._

“I’ll be delivering it to your table so feel free to look for one,” Seonghwa said before winking st him, “Consider that as my payback, Yeosang.”

“You don’t need to. Honestly!” Yeosang responded while waving both of his hands “I have two hands to do that.”

“Please let me spoil you. I owe you my life.”

“Oh _no_, I don’t. That’s too much,” Yeosang chuckled before sighing in defeat, “But I wouldn’t be able to stop you, right?”

“Correct.”

“Alright then.” Yeosang immediately looked for a vacant table.

The cafe seems to be packed but there’s one table near the entrance that’s vacant so he immediately went there. Seonghwa's eyes followed the male and when he finally found a seat, he immediately prepared the frappe and he added some additional chocolate and whipped cream as he made sure to make it perfect for Yeosang. He also cut a bigger portion of the cake than the usual and hopes that it wouldn’t be noticed by their manager at all.

The moment that Yeosang entered, he felt like he was struck by something. Just seeing Yeosang felt like he was getting saved from all the shitty voices that has been haunting him, maybe it’s because he still think of him as a savior or something. There’s something about Yeosang that would make him feel secured and safe from the danger of this cruel world.

He kept on glancing on the male as the city lights from outside illuminates on his face, lighting it up and Seonghwa can’t help but stare in awe. _How can someone look so __etheral__ by just staring outside? That’s wicked._

Then he remembered himself. _I hate how I look right now. I’m so ugly, I should let my hair grow longer so I can cover it often._ He can’t help but look downwards and bit his lip, letting the self-loathing inside his head get worse.

He really bothers a lot of people that even someone from a faraway place decided to visit him to check if he’s still alive after seeing him attempting to end his life on that rooftop. He’s nothing but a nuisance, Seonghwa mentally noted before proceeding to Yeosang’s table with his order as an another forced smile was plastered on his lips.

“Good evening, _sir_. Here’s your order,” Seonghwa playfully stated as he placed the tray on Yeosang’s table.

Yeosang looked at him as his smiled, eyss crinkling into tiny crescents which made Seonghwa forgot to breath for a second or two “Thank you.”

“Enjoy your meal.”

“I will.” Yeosang replied as he grinned, showing his pearly white teeth.

Seonghwa smiled back at him, “I’m terribly sorry for making you wait. My co-worker is probably on his way now, he might arrive soo—”

The doors opened as a young male barged in and panted as if he was running before arriving at the cafe “I’m here!”

“Speaking of the devil,” Seonghwa stated before proceeding towards him and pats his shoulder, “Byeongkwan, you shouldn’t exhaust yourself before going in your duty.”

“But I was gonna be late. Gotta change!” Byeongkwan stated before running towards their staff room.

Seonghwa just shook his head before excusing himself as he went back to the counter and in two minutes, Byeongkwan arrived in front of him. The black-haired male just cringed at the sight of his co-worker as Byeongkwan seems to be in such a rush that he didn’t fixed his sleeves and apron neatly.

Seonghwa lets out a sigh as he started fixing Byeongkwan’s outfit, “You didn’t need to hurry up. I can wait for a minute or two, you know?”

“I know, Hwa. But still, you know what people say about time is gold. And you need to rest too,” Byeongkwan replies before grinning at him, “Thank you for fixing it, Hwa.”

“No problem, Kwan.” The black-haired male stated as he looked at the smaller one from head to toe, “Okay. You’re good to go~”

“You should change into your casual clothes now especially when..” Byeongkwan looked at him with a michievous glint on his natural light brown eyes before glancing at Yeosang, “Your date is waiting for you.”

“What?”

“You’re so lucky, Hwa. Look at him.” Byeongkwan stated in a hushed voice as he shifted his gaze towards Yeosang “Such a catch. I knew that you’ll be dating such an attractive lad.”

“No! We’re not like _that_!” Seonghwa realized what the older male is talking about and he shook his head furiously, “He’s just a friend.”

“You don’t have to deny it,” Byeongkwan says as he lets out a giggle, “I even introduced you my boyfriend so we accept newbie gays in our friendship circle!”

“Kwan, I’m serious. He’s just a friend. Nothing _more_. Nothing _less_.”

“Well. The Seonghwa that I know doesn’t like lying so I’ll believe you on that,” Byeongkwan dramatically stated as he dreamily looked at Yeosang, “Not gonna lie, Seong. But if I was single, I’d flirt with him.”

“I’m telling Sehyoon-hyung.”

“Don’t!” Byeongkwan whined as Seonghwa laughs at the smaller male’s action.

“I’m just kidding. I gotta go, Kwan.”

Seonghwa immediately changed his clothes before washing his hands and face, checking if he smells bad or if there’s a stain on his face. He doesn’t even know why he’s quite conscious about his face when he hated it so much. Maybe it’s the insecurity that he feels because he’ll be sitting on the same table with a gorgeous angel-like person, he’ll probably a laughing stock if he will be seen beside Yeosang.

_Yeosang is so beautiful. He’s skinny too. Have you even seen the way he smiles? Gorgeous. _ ** _Unlike you._ **

Seonghwa bit his lower lip in frustration before spraying a bit of his perfume in him, folding his work clothes neatly and placing it in his bag before exiting the staff room, he looked at Yeosang and he can’t help but feel warmth on just the sight of the grey-haired male.

He looks so happy munching on the chocolate cake, cheeks stuffed and Seonghwa would be lying if he says that he doesn’t look cute with the icing on the corner of his lips. He messily eats the cake without even noticing how he looks, it was just a sight that even a neat freak like Seonghwa would be delighted to see this.

“Whipped.” Seonghwa glares at the light-haired male that stuck his tongue out, “If he wasn’t your boyfriend then at the very least, make a move because I’ve never seen you act like that before.”

“It’s not like that.”

_“It’s not like __that.”_ Byeongkwan mocks before chuckling, “Go get him, tiger!”  
  
  
  


Seonghwa sighed in defeat as he walked towards the grey-haired male that stopped munching as he looked upwards, meeting Seonghwa’s gaze. The raven-haired male can’t help but froze on his action as his mind seems to short circuits while not breaking the eye contact and Yeosang just blinked. He fucking _blinked_ and Seonghwa wanted to scream because the male looks so dazzling, he felt like being too close to him might give him a heart attack or something.

“Seonghwa?”

“Oh.”

“You can take a seat.”

“Oh. Yes. Sorry about that,” Seonghwa sheepishly stated as he sat on the comfty chair while facing Yeosang.

“You don’t need to apologize when there’s nothing to be sorry for, Seonghwa. It’ll become a habit of yours,” Yeosang reminds him as he continued eating the chocolate cake.

“I’m sor—” Seonghwa manages to cut him off and smiled apologetically towards him, “Alright.”

“That’s more like it,” Yeosang stated once that he gulped, licking his lips before looking at the cake “The chocolate cake is good here, Seonghwa. Maybe I should try it often.”

“It is. But there’s also a lot of options rather than chocolate cake,” he replies as he looked at the menu board, “Our cheesecakes are good too. And if you want ice creams then we serve them too.”

“Oh! I see! I’ll try that _next time_!”

Seonghwa’s eyebrows furrowed, “Next time?”

“Well. I told you that I got bored so I’ll be visiting the city during my day-off. And since you’re the only one that I’m familiar with right now, would you accompany a country bumpkin-like boy during that visit?” Yeosang said, tilting his head as a small smile crept on his lips. _How can I say no on such a happy face?!_ is what Seonghwa is thinking right now.

“Well. I’m only free every Saturday and if you’re okay with that then count me in,” Seonghwa says. _How brittle of you, Park Seonghwa. Can’t even resist a smile and would offer your alone time for him._

“Are you sure about that?” Yeosang asks, mouth agape as his eyes widened in surprise.

“Yes.”

“I thought that you’re going to decline but I’m really glad that you’ve agreed with that,” Yeosang stated before taking an another bite from the cake.

“Despite living here for years, I don’t have an idea where can we hang out.”

“That’s alright! A journey towards the unknown is always fun!”

Seonghwa snorts, “What are we? Pirates?”

“Isn’t it cool to be one? Have you even heard about _One Piece_? Pirates are cool!” Yeosang mused as his eyes seems to sparkle with amusement and Seonghwa probably heard that from Wooyoung before, “If I were one then I would be a navigator since I’m good at observing people and gathering informations! You, on the other hand, is probably suited for a first mate!”

“First mate?” Seonghwa asked curiously, tilting his head to the side a bit.

“It's more like you’re the captain’s right-hand man! You look capable of doing such things!”

Seonghwa chuckled, “Not really.”  
  
  
  


Seonghwa just listened to Yeosang talking about pirates and other anime-related stuff that he couldn’t really understand but he heard a few from San and Wooyoung so he isn't that unaware of it. He just kept his attention on Yeosang, forgetting the voices that seems to disappear as all that he can hear is the warm honey-like voice of the male in front of him as he finished eating his meal.  
  
  


“I talked too much,” Yeosang said, smiling apologetically towards him “It’s been a while since I’ve talked about it.”

“No, it’s fine. You share the same interest with my younger brother and his bestfriend.”

“I see. It’s kind of nice to have one,” Yeosang stated before glancing at the raven-haired male, “Do you have one?”

Seonghwa thought of the redhead friend of his as he nods “Yes. He’s a Fine Arts student and he’s more into fashion designing.”

“That's so cool!” Yeosang said, gasping in amusement, “What about you?”

“Business Administration.” Seonghwa was kind of afraid on how will Yeosang react to his course, he knew that he wasn’t as flashy as Hongjoong.

“How cool,” Yeosang gasped once again which made Seonghwa surprised “You’re into business stuff? That means that you’re good in managing a lot of stuff, Seonghwa. That’s kind of cool!”

“I-It’s not like that.” Seonghwa looks away as he scratched his nape, feeling embarrassed on the sudden reaction.

“Really!”  
  
  
  


Yeosang was just like a flash of light in an abyss, leading Seonghwa out of his miseries. He might be overreacting but just seeing the grey-haired male makes him feel secured, he might have a bit of insecurities but the way Yeosang responds warms his heart a bit. He even noticed how the voices seems to disappear as his eyes was on the younger male, it made him more convince that the one in front of him is definitely an angel.  
  


Seonghwa took a napkin before leaning in front of Yeosang which seems to widen his eyes in confusion, “Seonghwa?”

“You’ve got some icing on the corner of your lips,” Seonghwa clarifies as he started to clean Yeosang with the napkin, “You’re such a messy eater.”

“Oh. Sorry about that,” Yeosang sheepishly replies as he laughed, “It’s just that I’ve been one since I was a kid and I haven’t fixed that habit of mine.”

“It’s alright. Besides, you really look cute.” Seonghwa blurted out, immediately regretting his life decisions.

“Cute?”

“Oh. No. I didn’t mean t—”

Yeosang’s chuckle cuts him off as the grey-haired male grinned, “Park Seonghwa, you know what? You’re so amusing.”

“Amusing? N-No.”

“Honestly, you really are.”

Seonghwa tensed as he tried to think of a response but gave up as he looked around, seeing Byeongkwan looking at him with such a mischievous glint on his eyes once again before looking at the door, “Yeosang, would you like to take a walk for a while?”

“Sure. Besides, I need to get home in an hour or two.” Yeosang agrees, before fixing his sweater.  
  
  
  


Seonghwa felt like something shattered once again, the thought of Yeosang leaving made him feel nauseous. He was feeling like he’s okay when Yeosang arrived so the thought of him leaving made him worried. The voices will come back. He will be alone once again. The light will disappear and he’ll be in an abyss that would trap him there until he ends everything.  
  


_He’s scared._   
  


“Seonghwa?” He was cut off from his trance when Yeosang’s face was a few inches away from his own and he almost yelped.

“Y-Yes?!” Seonghwa hated the fact that he's probably flustered with the younger male's action.

“You were spacing out. Are we going to head out?” Yeosang asks.

Seonghwa nodded as he stood and took his bag, “Yes. Let’s should.”

_“Thank you for coming! Please visit Utopia cafe once again!”_ Byeongkwan’s cheerful voice was heard and both of them nodded towards him yet Seonghwa saw him raised his hands just to give him a thumbs-up and a wink in which he rolled his eyes.

“Where are we supposed to go now, Seonghwa?”

Seonghwa sighed, “To be very honest, I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Yeosang asked curiously as his brows furrowed.

The raven-haired male started to feel bad for dragging Yeosang out of the warm and comfty cafe “Yes. I'm sorry. I know I’m stupid.”

“No, you’re not.” The way the grey-haired male shook his head as he crossed his arms, “Do you know a place where we can see the stars? There’s quite a lot of them right now.”

“Stars?”

“Let’s find a place where we can relax for a while as we look at the sky!”

“Well, there’s one. In the skating rink.”

“Skating rink?! So it’s still there?!” The way that Yeosang's voice got louder in just a mention of the skating rink surprised him.

“Yes.”

Yeosang grinned, “That’s it! I'm going to bring my skateboard next time!”

“Sure. Go ahead.” Seonghwa casually replies as a small smile crept on his lips, “It’s quite amusing to see you get hyped up.”

“I love skateboarding! I love drones too! I also love to sketch!” Yeosang gleefully replies, grinning at Seonghwa, “Since I’m going to be your vent buddy, we should know a bit more about each other!”

“Vent buddy?”  
  
  
  


Seonghwa was surprised when the grey-haired male mentioned about it. He can’t help but feel bad because he also made Yeosang worried about him but the way that the male was trying to help him, it made him _feel special_. As much as he attends to the weekly meeting with Mrs. Kang, it didn’t made the voices disappear. But Yeosang did make those voice disappear so who was he to reject such an offer?

“Let’s talk about it on our way to the skating rink,” Yeosang said as he started walking, “I can’t recall the right directions so lead the way, Seonghwa.”

“Alright.” Both of them started walking, passing through a lot of people as the city lights illuminate the entire city under the dark night sky.

“You see..” Seonghwa glanced at Yeosang which kept a small smile on his face, “I really came here to see you. I wanted to see how are you and I’m not going to lie about this but you look like you’re lost.”

Seonghwa nodded, “It’s still kind of tough.”

“That’s alright. Grieve as much as you want, she’s an important person in your life. It’s alright to be sad, Seonghwa.” Yeosang kept his gaze on the road as he continued talking, “I can’t say that you’ll get over it but I know that you will be able to overcome this but the loving memory of your mother? No. It’ll still be engraved in your heart and mind and instead of grieving, you’ll be accepting it and treasure it until the day that both of you can meet each other again.”

“It gets worse as the days kept on passing.”

“That’s because you won’t let yourself out of the darkness, you thought that it’s okay to stay there.” Yeosang replies, “You couldn’t accept the fact that there’s a chance that you might get better.”

“I’m scared.”

“It’s okay to be scared, Seonghwa.” The grey-haired smile and Seonghwa suddenly forgot how to breathe properly, “But you know what they say about that? Face your fears.”  
  
  
  
  
  


They arrived at the skating rink and Seonghwa took Yeosang to a perfect place where they can see the sky, under a tree on the highest part of the skating rink. They sat beside each other as they looked at the starry sky, looking at the countless bright lights that surrounded the moon.  
  
  
  


“The stars are too pretty,” Yeosang said.

Seonghwa took a glance of the younger male and nodded, “Yes. Too pretty.”

“You know what, Seonghwa? Whenever you’re lonely, just look up at the sky.” Yeosang said as he kept on staring at the sky.

“But aren’t stars lonely as fuck? Like they’re way apart from each other and they’re surrounded by the pitch black void out there,” Seonghwa reasoned out.

“That’s why they’re blinking their lights sometimes,” Yeosang replies, “Whenever a star is lonely, the other stars from faraway will shine brighter so they can send it a signal that it’s not alone at all. That there’s someone for them despite the distance between each other, providing a bit of its light in that void.”

“Comforting each other?”

“You’ve said that stars are lonely and of course, there would be stars that will comfort it too. Just like how humans comfort other people.”  
  
  


Seonghwa wondered how Yeosang could think of this twisted world like it wasn’t cruel at all. He believes that people will get better, he tries to stop them from ending their lives and would even visit them just to check if they’re doing fine. As much as Seonghwa wanted to think that he’s becoming a burden to the boy, he felt special.

“You really think that of everything in such a positive way, huh?”

One of the corners of Yeosang’s lips curled upwards as his eyes crinkled into tiny crescent, “It can’t be helped.”

“I’m sorry for being a bother. You’ve wasted your fare and your free time just to see a mess like me,” Seonghwa blurted out, finally feeling the guilt as he lets it out.

“You are not a bother, Seonghwa. Like what I said, I'm here to help you. I don't know how but if you need someone that you can talk to, you can vent it out on me. I don’t know you that well or even your other personal information aside from your real name, your course and your occupation.” Yeosang said, “I won’t judge you for your reason to die because it’s a venom that will be injected when something tragic happens and even though it already passed, so does the poison that seeps into your system as it slowly fucks you up.”

Seonghwa just hummed in agreement. He can’t talk about his inner demons, he couldn’t speak a word about it as it slowly consumes him.

“I’m here to be your vent buddy, Seonghwa. You can vent it out on me or if you need a distraction then I’ll do my best to be one,” Yeosang offers, smiling at him.

“Why?” Seonghwa muttered.

“Why _why_?”

“I’m nothing but a mere stranger that wanted to die on the rooftop of your apartment building. So why would you even offer such help on a helpless person like me?” Seonghwa asked.

“Just because.” The way that Yeosang smiled makes Seonghwa more confused about him, “I just felt like I wanted to help people and seeing their smiles. I want to see a genuine smile of yours too. One that will show me that you’re okay in the future.”

“How mysterious of you.”

“I know. It wasn’t a _hero complex_ but maybe I just love helping out,” Yeosang responds.  
  
  
  


Yeosang took a pen and a bunch of sticky notes on his bag as he started scribbling in it, making Seonghwa’s gaze on the sky turn towards him. He saw Yeosang sketching some kind of character that he didn’t even know, maybe San or Wooyoung has an idea about it. But when Yeosang was about to write something, he looked at Seonghwa and hid it with his other hand as he started writing in it.  
  
  


“Here.” Yeosang gave him a bunch of it, “You can read it now but I suggest that you’ll read it when you’re too sad and stick it somewhere you can see it always so whenever you’re lonely, I can knack some sense in you.”

“The sticky notes again.”

“Of course! Sticky notes are good!” Yeosang says, raising his fists in his shoulder level.

“Your kind words can touch the numbest heart, you know?”

Yeosang seems to be surprised with Seonghwa’s statement as he looked down and smiles, “I’m glad that I can make someone like that.”

“Well, you’ve mentioned about going here every week.” Seonghwa said, attempting to change the topic because he saw the way Yeosang’s shoulder slumped, “What are we going to do every week?”

“Let’s do whatever you want,” Yeosang chirps.

“Whatever I want?”

“Sure! Whatever it is, I’m sure that it’s better than me being stuck on home during my off.”

“What if I need to finish a term paper and I have to be at the library?”

Yeosang grins, “Then I’ll accompany you. I’ll read some books too since all that I’ve been reading was my textbooks a few years ago.”

“Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.”

“Don’t be. It can’t be helped.”

“Well..” Seonghwa does his best to avert themselves from the topic, “How about if we’ll hang out here in the skating rink then get some snacks on the food pub?”

“R-Really?”

“Sure. Why not?”

“Deal.”  
  
  
  
  


They kept on having small chats about the skating rink, Yeosang mentioning how he used to stay here whenever he’s with his skateboard. Seonghwa listened to all of it, indulging the deep voice as he lets himself relax as he kept on staring at the stars, wondering if his foster mother was up there. _He wanted to know if she thinks that Yeosang is such a kind-hearted person._ Because if Yeosang probably knew her before she committed _it_, she could’ve been saved by this male’s kind words just like how Seonghwa is.  
  
  
  
  


“Seonghwa, I’m terribly sorry but I have to go.” _Don't._

“Can I accompany you to the bus station?” he offers, still wishing for a few more minutes with Yeosang.

Yeosang nods, “Sure.”

“I’ll lead the way.” Seonghwa stated before standing up.

“Next time, I’ll be able to hang out with you for the entire day.” Yeosang said as he walks beside him.

“When?”

“Saturday. I’ll give you my entire Saturday so I’ll probably arrive around nine? Is that too early?”

Seonghwa shook his head, “Not really. I’m fine with that.”

“Okay then. I’ll be at the cafe where you work at on that time!” Yeosang cheerily said, “Do you know how to skateboard?”

“Nope.”

“Then I’ll be teaching you the basics!” Yeosang said before looking at him, “Are you okay with that?”

“I’m fine with it.” _Not really. But how can you say no to such a kind-hearted person? They’re angels sent by God._

“I’m so excited!” Yeosang gleefully stated as he raised his hands, “It’s been a while!”  
  
  
  
  
  


The moment that they arrived on the bus station is the exact moment for the last bus and Seonghwa suddenly held the end of Yeosang’s sleeves, making the grey-haired male look at him in surprise in which he immediately let go of it, embarrassed from what he did as he looked away in shame.  
  


“I-I’m sorry.. it’s just that-”

“Don’t worry, Seonghwa. I’m fine with it,” Yeosang said as he held Seonghwa’s hand, “If you think that I’m being insincere on going back then think again, I’ll be seeing you next Saturday. _Be strong, Seonghwa. I believe in you._”

Seonghwa doesn’t understand why but he nods as he met Yeosang’s gaze, feeling that he would melt anytime because of how warm it is “Thank you.”

“It’s such a pleasure to be with someone like you, Seonghwa.” Yeosang stated before giving his hand a tight squeeze and letting it go, “Remember the sticky notes, Seonghwa. See you next Saturday.”  
  
  
  


He kept his gaze on the male as he entered the bus and as the vehicle started its engine until it’s out of Seonghwa’s eyesight. Everything started to feel numb once again and he felt so stupid for not asking Yeosang’s number, he wants to punch himself for getting his hopes up. Of course, Yeosang would leave. He shouldn’t even attach himself towards the grey-haired male too much yet he acts like he’s been friends with him for years that even with them separating makes him feel so anxious.  
  
  


“Park Seonghwa, you’re so stupid.” he muttered before taking the sticky notes out of his bag as he gasped, “It’s—”  
  
  
  
  


He might be feeling numb but the fact that he’s excited for this feeling to disappear next Saturday is making him anticipate on their next meeting. He can’t help but still think of Yeosang as an angel sent to him in order to recover, it might take him a while but in the end, he knew that he’ll be okay. _He has to_.  
  
  


Yeosang took a deep breath as he leaned on the window, staring at the view from outside when he felt his phone vibrated. He opened it just to see a message from an unknown number yet the contents made him smile in relief.  
  
  


** _‘Thank you. See you next Saturday, Yeosang. It was nice to meet you once again. I’ll do my best.’_ **   
  


He sent a short message **_‘See you next week. I believe in you so please remember that.’_** towards the same unknown number before fixing the contact info into ‘Seonghwa 🌠’ and returning his phone into his pocket as he went back on sightseeing.  
  
  


Seonghwa is such an open book. He knew that he was still struggling so he would do his best to unravel him and to help him recover slowly but it’ll be worth it. Yeosang can only save people from misery because he already succumbed on his own, he doesn’t have to live his own life like it was his because the only reason for his existence is to keep his family safe.

But maybe living for an another person isn’t that bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might get your hopes up but it’s just the beginning so : ) :
> 
> scream w me on twt: @_hyriette


	8. 7 [savior]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! i’m terribly sorry for the late update!
> 
> oh! and just a heads up, i’m prolly gonna be inactive. or i prolly would just drop allnof my fics bc i don’t have any confidence on writing hhh sorry to say such stuff but i literally have low self-esteem and seeing how shitty my works is makes me wanna yeet myself aaaaaaack

Seonghwa overdid everything. He didn’t even slept a wink and he already prepared everything that he’ll be needing after arriving from his work. It took him hours on picking a decent outfit, not wanting to look too flashy just to end up on a plain white shirt, a pair of dark ripped jeans and a denim jacket. He made sure to pick his best shoes, making sure that he’ll look good for the _day_.

He kept on thinking _where_ would they go after staying in the skating rink. Letting the anxiety get the best of him and making him smoke more than the usual number of cigarettes that he consumes for a day, somehow hating himself for not being able to be strong enough. For letting these thoughts get through him despite the notes that his angel gave him.

_ **‘If you’re lonely at night, just look up and watch the stars. Watch as it lights up the dark and think that they’re comforting you with it. Think that they care for you and they’re blinking to show you that they’re up there for ** _ _ **you.’** _

That is one of the note and behind it was an additional note from Yeosang as it states his contact number and saying that he can chat him but he barely replies since he’s quite busy.

_ **‘Hey there, had a rough day? I just want to tell you that you’ve worked hard, you deserve a good night rest and I hope that you’ll be having a peaceful sleep. Keep on fighting, my ** _ _ **starlight.’** _

The second note includes some kind of character that Yeosang states in the back of it that it’s called _Hehetmon_ and Yeosang created it. It made Seonghwa chuckle on how adorable and precious his angel is..

_Yeah. He’s too precious _ ** _unlike you_ ** _._

_Do you really think that he cares for you? _

“Stop it. _Fuck_.” The black-haired male mumbled as he dried his hair furiously.

It was still early but he wanted to be there before Yeosang does, the male lives in such a far place yet he still wanted to meet Seonghwa to check if he’s getting better. _If only he knew that Seonghwa was too much of a coward to get better._  
  
  


“Good morning, hyung. Would you like to eat something?” As usual, San greeted him on the moment that he went out of the door with that blinding smile of his, showing his dimples as his eyes crinkled.

“Not really.”

San looked at him from head to toe, “You seem to be wearing such fashionable clothes. Where are you going? But hey, please eat something? Even just a toast or two?”

“Alright.” Seonghwa doesn’t want to make San worried so he decided to get some toast before leaving.

“But hyung, you still haven’t told me where you’re heading to.” San beamed as he tilted his head in confusion.

“I’m just going to meet someone. That’s all,” Seonghwa replied.

“You’re going to—” As if a lightbulb appeared above San’s head, the younger male gasped as he looked at Seonghwa from head to toe once again before covering his mouth, _“You’re going on a date!”_

Seonghwa felt his cheeks heating up as he shook his head, “Silly. Not at all.”

“Oh come on, hyung! You didn’t need to hide that!” San playfully said as he wiggled his eyebrows, “So, who’s the lucky girl?”

“Lucky girl?” Seonghwa asked, “I’m just going to meet a friend and he’s probably on his way now.”

“‘He’?”

Seonghwa immediately shook his head before San could think of something else “He’s just a friend!”

“If he’s just a friend then why are you wearing such fashionable clothes?” San crossed his arms and frowned at his older stepbrother “Honestly, you can just admit that you’re going on a date though. Like hyung, you know that I’m gay and Jongho is bi. Auntie is having a girlfriend too, you’re in a homosexual-loving household.”

“I'm serious, San. He’s just a friend,” Seonghwa insisted.

“Hair styled and slicked backwards, _check_. Wearing a fabric-type choker, _check_. A black shirt with a Fall Out Boy design in it along with a black denim jacket, an another _check_.” San checked his hyung out and Seonghwa felt his cheeks burning up once again, “Ripped jeans and the boots that you barely even use unless you’re invited on a party or something, _check_. And to top with that, you’ve applied make-up. Okay, consider me convinced with your _‘I’m going to meet a __friend.’_ reason.”

“San.” Seonghwa huffed as he slumped his shoulders, pouting at the younger male’s so-called inspection “I just overdid it. Seriously.”

“Hyung, you only wear a bunch of sweaters or a plain white shirt and jeans whenever you’re meeting Hongjoong-hyung or any of your classmates.” San mused, grinning widely towards the black-haired male, “If Hongjoong-hyung would see you in this, he would think the same.”

“Damn it. Fine, think whatever you want.” Seonghwa huffed in defeat as San beamed at him about him getting some intuition or something.  
  


San followed him up to the dining room and Seonghwa wanted to bury himself to the ground on the moment that he saw Hongjoong lowkey flirting with his youngest stepbrother while her aunt is preparing their breakfast. Before he was able to turn back and run for his life, Hongjoong immediately noticed him and the expression that he showed made Seonghwa so flustered.

“What’s with the get-up, Seonghwa?” Hongjoong asked, raising an eyebrow.

“He said that he’s going to meet a ‘friend’.” San emphasized the word ‘friend’.

Hongjoong gasped, “You have a friend rather than me?! Unbelievable!”

“Wow. Thanks, Hongjoong.” Seonghwa rolled his eyes as he grabbed a toast and took a bite of it, “I’m friends with Byeongkwan, Mingi, Wooyoung, Gowon and Sihyeon too. I hope that you’re not forgetting that.”

“Workmates doesn’t count.” Hongjoong sternly stated, frowning at him, “Are you going to meet one of them? All of them have work today, except Sihyeon and Gowon. It’s their off today too.”

Seonghwa wanted to bash his head on the wall right now, he couldn’t lie to Hongjoong either “Nope.”

“Then who is it?” Hongjoong furrowed his eyebrows before suddenly gasping because of the realization, “Don’t tell me that it’s from that video clip that Byeongkwan-hyung have sent in the group chat last week!”  
  
  
  


Seonghwa groaned in frustration, wanting to throw their energetic hyung out of the cafe once that he sees him. He remembered typing too much and explaining what was actually happening during that time when Byeongkwan sent a clip on their group chat, a clip where Seonghwa was wiping Yeosang’s face because of how messy it is. He remembered Wooyoung and Mingi typing lots and lots of emoji and undecipherable words while the others congratulated him.

He really tried convincing them that Yeosang was just a friend but none of them even took it seriously, thinking that Seonghwa is probably embarrassed with it. Seonghwa just gave up and let them think whatever they want, it’s not like he’s against same-sex relationships and most of his workmates aren’t straight at all. Him, being the only one is the reason why they’re being giddy like this.

As much as he treasures them, he wishes that they could leave him alone with it. _What if Yeosang would hear such things? Things will get awkward for both of them, he __doesn__’t even know if the younger male’s straight or __nein__._  
  


“Video clip?” Jongho asked curiously as he looked at Seonghwa with those adorable brown eyes.

“Byeongkwan-hyung is exaggerating. I’m just helping him out during that time,” Seonghwa defends himself.

Hongjoong snickered, “Seonghwa, I’ve never seen you look so fond of someone else that isn’t me or your family so shut your trap and admit it.”

“Tough luck, buddy. But I won’t,” Seonghwa denied, eating the entire toast before proceeding to the fridge to get a glass of milk, “Because there’s nothing to admit, Joong.”

“Wait! Let me see the video!” San chirps.

“Hongjoong, don’t you even dare.” Seonghwa glared at the younger male which was about to open the video clip in their group chat.

“Oops. I accidentally tapped my phone,” Hongjoong playfully stated as he looked at Seonghwa with a mischievous glint on his eyes, “Oopsie, my bad.”

“You did it on purpose.” Seonghwa kept on glaring at Hongjoong as he drank the entire glass of milk.

“Hyung, the way you looked at the male is just too gay!” San squealed as he held on Jongho’s shoulders.

“Who is he, Seonghwa-hyung?” Jongho asks, grinning towards him.

“You look so happy there, Seonghwa.” His aunt, Jiwon took a peek and sent Seonghwa a sweet smile.

Seonghwa looked away at both of his stepbrothers and aunt, avoiding the stares from them “H-He’s just a friend. Believe me, all of you. If he was something more, I’d tell it immediately to all of you.”

“Whatever makes you sleep at night, Hwa.” Hongjoong teased, shrugging before turning his phone off.  
  
  
  


Seonghwa knew that it’s not worth it to defend himself on this kind of topic, he knew why they’re too happy on the thought of him dating something. He has been focusing on his family and academics most of his life that he barely even had the time to hang out with Hongjoong, the only spare time that he had was after his shift or when a professor doesn’t attend one of his classes. Seonghwa has been striving in life that he barely even took care of himself, making his family’s happiness his own.  
  


So witnessing how two of them died broke him so much, their deaths took a fragment of him which made him feel incomplete. He was so lost that grieving for the missing fragments made him forget that there’s still a bit of it left in him, it made him feel empty.

Seonghwa wondered if Jongho or San have told Wooyoung and Hongjoong about his attempt months ago, he hopes that they didn’t told them a single thing. And if they did, both of his friends are probably too understanding because none of them confronted him about it.  
  
  
  


_Are you sure about that? _

_What if San and Jongho just thought that you’re being overdramatic and decided to keep it to themselves instead of sharing such shitty info to them?_

_And if Hongjoong and Wooyoung knows, do you even think that they care enough for you to even talk about it?_

_They probably thought that you’re crazy. _

_Most likely, they probably thought that you’re just seeking attention._   
  
  
  


Seonghwa bit his lips once again as he tried tuning down the voices, they haven’t left him ever since Yeosang went back home. They became louder and worse than the usual, it made Seonghwa feel so weak. It made him too deprived of Yeosang’s presence because he’s the only one that can tune it down, he’s the only one that can make these horrible noises shut up.   
  
  
  
  
  


“I’m going.” Seonghwa suddenly announced as he gave them a small smile before retreating to the dining room.

“Let me come with you, Seonghwa!” Hongjoong teased as he attempted to stand up from his seat.

Seonghwa playfully glared at him, “Don’t you even dare.”

“Scared that I might spoil your date?”

“It isn’t a date, Joong! And please don’t follow me!” Seonghwa explained as he looked at them, “All of you! Don’t even dare to follow me!”  
  
  
  
  


He immediately ran out of the house and kept on running until their house is out of sight, he knew that they might follow him to witness the so-called ‘date’. Heck, it wasn’t even a date.   
  


Seonghwa would never understand how it is like to have a date or something. He had a few relationships before yet most of them didn’t work out because of his dedication to his studies and his family, the girls that he dated said that Seonghwa lacks interest on them or that Seonghwa doesn’t spend time with them so they dumped him in the end. It might’ve hurt him a bit but he was able to move on from it, it’s just the thought that those girls didn’t even tried to make it work.

Maybe Seonghwa isn’t attractive at all. That’s why during his sophomore year, he started to ignore everything and focused more on his work and studies. He can date after he graduates but the most important thing during that time is to _survive_. It’s quite funny how he kept on giving up nowadays when he used to be a fighter way back then.  
  


And Yeosang, someone as ethereal and pure like him doesn’t deserve someone as broken as Seonghwa. He barely even know the younger male but he gives off such a relaxing aura that makes Seonghwa attach himself quickly towards the male. 

Maybe Yeosang can actually help him, not immediately though. They’ll take it slow and Seonghwa was willing to cooperate on that.

He was about to message Yeosang as he was a few steps away from the cafe when he saw the younger male leaning on the wall, one of his hand was on the skateboard while one was holding a crepe as he eats it messily, which didn’t surprise the black-haired male at all.  
  
  
  


“Hey,” Seonghwa greeted him on the moment that he was a few steps away from the male, making the munching boy look at him.

“Hwa!” he beamed, gulping the food as he took an another bite.

“Sorry for making you wait.”

“It’s still early though.”

“But you've arrived here earlier than I am.”

Yeosang shook his head as he showed the crepe on his other hand, “Not really. I just went inside and bought this crepe since I craving for something sweet.”

“You really like sweets, huh?” Seonghwa mused.

Yeosang nodded his head in agreement, “I love it!”  
  
  
  
  
  


Seonghwa can’t help but stare at the younger male, he isn’t wearing his usual fluffy sweaters. He dressed up like a usual teenager, a black trasher shirt and a pair of dark-colored jeans. The way that the red beanie suits him so much and it made him look so adorable. Seonghwa can’t prevent to let out an amused giggle as he took a napkin from his bag and dabbed it gently on the corners of Yeosang’s mouth, making him look at him with an embarrased expression— the pink tint on his cheeks making Hwa giggle more.  
  
  


“You’re such a messy eater, Yeosang.”

“It’s a habit that I couldn’t change!” The younger male sheepishly told him, “So, are you ready to go?”

“I’m ready when you are.”

“Then let’s go!” Yeosang said as he grinned at Seonghwa, _“Kaja~”_  
  
  
  
  


Seonghwa wondered what happened to the voices that was tormenting him a while ago, it literally disappeared when he focused on Yeosang. He doesn’t understand how the younger male could take all of his attention and mute the tormenting voices inside him but if it means that Yeosang can save him then he’ll be willing to be saved by someone like him.


	9. 8 [‘date’]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol it took me a month to update. how lame. why am i even exerting effort on my shitty fics when no one prolly even likes it hahaha

“We’re here.”

“It’s been a while!” Yeosang exclaimed as he looked at Seonghwa with such fondness in his expression, “Hey, Seonghwa. Will you let me teach you how?”

“I’m fine with just watching though..” Seonghwa scratched his cheek as he looks away, smiling a bit.

Yeosang tilted his head in confusion, “If you’re comfortable on that then it’s okay! I really want to teach you though.”

“I actually bought a book to read so I’ll be fine here in the bench as you take your time in the skating rink,” Seonghwa casually stated.

“Are you sure about that?” the younger male asked.

“Of course, Yeosang. I’m not that outgoing so most of the time, I’m just reading one of the novels that I’ve bought while everyone is having fun.”

Yeosang pouted, “But you deserve to have fun too.”

“I actually prefer to avoid any activities that will make me sweat too much so just reading here and watching you is fine,” Seonghwa responds as he patted Yeosang’s head, “Have fun, Yeosang. Don’t worry too much about me, okay? I’ll be here.”

“If that is what you want then okay,” Yeosang stated, grinning at Seonghwa which made him surprised “Just call me if you need something!”

“O..Okay.”

Seonghwa was surprised with Yeosang’s response, he was expecting the male to look a bit disappointed because Seonghwa declined his offer. But the younger male addressed it in such a cheerway way and decides to let Seonghwa stay in his safety zone but despite the kind-hearted act from him, the voices in his head says the otherwise.

_He probably just let you be as miserable as you are, _ _Seonghwa_ _. _

_He’s being nice but you’re just an ungrateful asshole that rejected his offer. He must’ve been disappointed with you, you wouldn’t let him teach you because you’re scared of failing in front of him._

_You’re such a coward. It’s better for him to leave you rather than sticking with someone as miserable as you._

He gripped on the book tighter, looking at the ground as he can’t help but frown at the voices that kept on tormenting him. Yeosang saw how the male’s expression changed into something sorrowful that he suddenly held Seonghwa’s free hand, making the black-haired male look at him in surprise.

“Yeosang! I—”

“Are you alright, Seonghwa?” Yeosang rubbed the back of his hand for comfort, making sure that Seonghwa is fully aware of his existence “You don’t need to lie to me.”

“I’m so sorry.” Seonghwa looked away from the chocolate brown orbs that was looking at him, not liking how he can see his reflection in it “It’s just that I’m feeling a bit sorry for not letting you teach me, Yeosang. I’m just afraid of being a burden to you because I might suck at it.”

Seonghwa was expecting Yeosang to retort to him but he was surprised for the umpteenth time when he heard a giggle from the shorter male, “That’s not going to happen, Seonghwa!”

“What? What’s so funny?” The raven-haired male felt lost in all of the sudden but hearing the other male’s giggle.

“I remembered something silly,” Yeosang said as he kept on giggling, “I used to hang out with one of my classmate before, he was such an overconfident guy and when I offered to teach him how to skateboard, he was so dramatic on how he’ll be learning it by just looking at me.”

“And?”

“He stumbled a lot of times. His shit-eating grin never disappeared though and kept on persuading me to teach him until he’s decent enough to ride it,” Yeosang said as he looked at the sky, “It’s alright to fail sometimes. It serves us an explanation on where we made a mistake and how to prevent it for the second time. It provides us experience that will help us in the future, Seonghwa.”

Seonghwa can’t help but stare in awe, the sunlight that hits the younger male’s face as if it was kissing him gently. The way his eyes sparkle like a marble when light touches it along with the lips that is curled upwards. _Such a beautiful person._

“Seonghwa?”

Seonghwa blinked once, twice then looks away as he wished he wasn’t blushing because the younger male caught him staring “Yes?”

“Do you want me to teach you how to ride on a skateboard?”

“Wait. You’re asking me again?” Seonghwa looked back at Yeosang in such a confused way.

“Yes.” The younger male nodded enthusiastically, “I’m really glad that you’ve opened up a bit and I’m able to understand you more so I’m asking you once again. I really want to teach you but if you prefer to stay there, it’s fine with me.”

“I..” Seonghwa wanted to stay in his comfort zone but he’s aware how the voices on his head wouldn’t leave him alone when he’s all by himself and the only one that tunes them out is the one offering his hand to him right now, he knows that he’ll be safe in Yeosang so he held the hand as he nodded “Okay.”

“Thank you, Seonghwa.” Yeosang squeezed his hand a bit as an another dazzling smile was seen on his face “You did great on telling me your inner thoughts.”

“T-Thank you for being like this.. I guess..” Seonghwa felt so warm and fluffy all over that by just holding Yeosang’s hand and hearing his voice made the voices inside his head disappear.

“C’mon, Seonghwa. We’re friends now, right?” Yeosang giggled once again before holding the skateboard, “Okay. Shall we start?”  
  


Seonghwa nodded. He listened intently as Yeosang explained how to ride it at first, letting Seonghwa understand the basics and where to step on the board, including the foot that is used for pushing. He showed Seonghwa how to put the other foot on the back of the board when he finally gets the momentum as he rides carefully. Seonghwa kept on listening and observing how Yeosang is riding the board with elegance and he can’t help but stare once again, only focusing on the male’s existence.

“Seonghwa, would you like to try?” Yeosang asked.

Seonghwa looked at the younger male as nodded hesitantly, “O-Okay.”

“Don’t be scared. I’ll be guiding you until you can ride it on your own,” Yeosang assured as he held Seonghwa’s right hand, “_There._ So you can feel in ease with the thought of me saving you on getting some contact with the ground.”

“Thanks.” Seonghwa said as he gulped, he put his left foot on the board as he let his right foot push slowly towards the ground while getting some force before finally letting his right foot in the back of the board.

“You’re doing great.”

“Ah. Damn.” The raven-haired hissed when his balance was about to get ruined and immediately put his right foot on the ground.

“That’s alright, Seonghwa. Just try it again and again,” Yeosang assured him once again as he smiled at the older male.

Seonghwa can hear his own heart pounding in worry, both because of his mistakes that makes him stop for a while and also because of the thought of falling on the ground. But he’s getting more anxious of the fact that Yeosang might be running out of patience because of his nonstop mistakes and sudden halt because he’s too anxious on continuing to ride.

Yet whenever he looks at the younger male, he still have that genuine look in him and the way he assures Seonghwa is too effective. Not just because of his looks but also because of that heartwarming and sweet voice of him that can outstand the sickly sweet honey that his aunt buys. There’s something in Yeosang that Seonghwa can find peace in it, making him stick towards the younger male more whenever he’s with him.

“You’re doing great, Seonghwa.” He heard the younger male mused as he looked at Seonghwa, “I’m about to let go of you and let you ride it on your own. Are you okay with that or should I support you for a longer time?”

Seonghwa still wants to hold Yeosang’s hand but he felt a bit of confidence from the younger male’s praise so he nodded, “I-I’ll try it on my own.”

“Okay, Seonghwa.”

_Now, he’s on his own._ Seonghwa looked at the board and with all of the courage that he mustered up, he stepped his left foot in it while his right foot slowly pushes itself on the ground. When he found the momentum, he carepully stepped his right foot at the back of the board and kept his balance as the skateboard’s wheels kept on rolling. It was a bit _too_ fast for Seonghwa’s liking and he was getting anxious but he doesn’t know how to stop without Yeosang’s hand in his grasp and everything happened in just a blink of an eye, he fell to the ground but was thankful enough because his shoulder covered his face before it was able to plant itself on the ground.

_Pathetic._

_I’m sure that Yeosang is going to laugh at you._

_You probably looked stupid during that time. You can’t even stop the skateboard._

_Yeosang is definitely thinking that you look like a fool on that one._

Seonghwa groaned in frustration, he didn’t need these voices to make it worse. He doesn’t even have the courage to raise his head up because he’s afraid that his voices are right— that Yeosang might’ve thought that he’s nothing but a fool.

“Seonghwa!” He can hear footsteps getting nearby and when he looked upwards, he saw Yeosang with a concerned expression which made him surprised. The raven-haired male is expecting him to be mocked by Yeosang.

“Shit.” Seonghwa hissed in pain and the younger male helped him on standing, accompanying him towards the bench once again.

“I’m so sorry, Seonghwa.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“But still, I let go of your hand. You’re still not ready enough for that,” Yeosang said as he helped Seonghwa sit, “You have a scar on your knee. Oh my, I’m terribly sorry.”

Seonghwa looked at his right knee and saw a small scar in it but it was bleeding a bit. He wanted to curse himself for choosing such an outfit when Yeosang even told him that he’ll teach him how to ride a skateboard. Boots and ripped jeans isn’t equipped enough for something like this yet he still overdid everything and now, he’s having a scar and made himself look like a fool in front of Yeosang.

“It’s fine, Yeosang. It’s just a small scar,” Seonghwa assured the younger male and smiled at him.

“I-I have a band-aid on my bag. Wait! Let me patch you up!” Yeosang exclaimed as he immediately opened his bag and took one from a mini kit.

Seonghwa can’t even prevent the laugh that he lets out, making Yeosang look at him as if he was confused on his actions “That’s such a cute band-aid.”

“Oh. I like the one with cute designs in it and we sell some in the convenience store so I buy some of them,” Yeosang said before kneeling in front of Seonghwa to attach the band-aid, “There!”

“Thank you.” Seonghwa can’t help but admire Yeosang right now, the male looks good in every single angle but there’s something that makes him better when he’s kneeling— especially the fact that he’s kneeling in front of his knees.

_How perverted of you to think like that towards Yeosang. He’s just helping you because of your stupidity and this is what you’re going to think about it? Ungrateful asshole._

Seonghwa whimpered which made Yeosang looked towards him in worry, “H-Hey, are you okay?”

“You shouldn’t kneel there..” Seonghwa tried to keep his composure and not let his anxiety get the best of him.

Yeosang complied to the older male’s request and smiled apologetically at Seonghwa, “I’m really sorry for that.”

“It’s fine, Yeosang. Really.”

“I’d like to ask you how was it?” Yeosang said, “Trying it on your own then falling?”

“How was it? The moment that I had both of my feet on the board, it was fun and I can feel my own heartbeat but as it gets faster, I started to get anxious when I realized that I didn’t know how to stop and ruined my balance. I felt like I stopped breathing when I lose my footing and fell on the ground,” Seonghwa explains, looking at Yeosang which took the skateboard that they left when he fell.

“I see. Are you feeling bad because you failed on your attempt to skate on your own?” Yeosang asked once again and he nods, “It’s alright to be like that. Failures can make us feel bad but we should learn from them, Seonghwa. Just by falling made you realize that you still didn’t know how to stop the board and that made you anxious. There are things that you realize when you’re alone but that is what you’re going to fix with someone that is willing to pick the broken pieces and patch you up, Seonghwa. _That’s the reason why I’m here._”

“Why?” Seonghwa can’t prevent his emotions and asked it, he appreciates Yeosang’s efforts but he’s just a _nobody_ so why would someone like Yeosang decides to help him through this? “Why would you even do such a thing?”

“Just because,” Yeosang stated as his lips curled upwards, “I just love to help people out and my current goal to help you.”

“But what if I couldn’t be helped at all?”

“I’ll still do my best, Seonghwa. Even if it’s impossible, I’ll still help you.” Yeosang stated as he laughs, “There are times that I want to believe that this is really a _hero complex_. This is what I get from watching animes and reading novels.”

“I really appreciate that, Yeosang. Thank you,” Seonghwa replies, feeling too fluffy and warm once again as he stood “Let’s continue our skateboarding lesson, shall we?”

“Are you sure?” Yeosang asked, looking for the older male’s assurance.

Seonghwa nodded as he took his black jacket and folded it neatly then placed it beside Yeosang’s bag, “Yes. Hearing your inspiring words seems to make me fired up.”

“Glad to know that it’s working,” Yeosang gladly stated as he stand up, “Let’s begin! _Kaja~_”  
  
  
  


Yeosang assisted him once again, letting him get the hang of it before deciding to let him go and do it on his own pace. He fell a lot of times but immediately assured the younger male that it isn’t that bad and told him to do it again in which Yeosang lets him. He can’t understand why but despite the lack of Yeosang’s touch, his mind was focused on skateboarding until he was just focused on his surroundings and the lukewarm breeze hitting his skin. He was starting to get the hang of it, being able to skate directly.

Yeosang just looked at Seonghwa which seems to be distracted from his inner thoughts, seeing how comfortable he looked. He can’t help but smile and tried his best not to scream at Seonghwa how proud he is for succeeding. Seonghwa was just able to skate on one direction but they’re taking baby steps and they’ll meet a lot of times. _They can take all the time that they need to teach __Seonghwa__ properly._

_ **•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•** _

  
“I’m glad that you’ve enjoyed it, Seonghwa.”

Both of them took turns on riding the skateboard since Yeosang only brought one, Seonghwa got too immersed on how Yeosang turns and do some tricks using the skateboard in ease. He told him how he wanted to learn it but Yeosang said that he can teach him on an another day in which he looks forward to, they kept on chatting about random stuff, most of them are just what they do in their lives. Seonghwa wouldn’t even realize that it was already four in the afternoon if he didn’t looked at his phone.

“We really took our time there, huh? It was a good thing that we went to the place where there aren’t many people,” Yeosang said as he giggled.

“Indeed. I never thought that skateboarding would be that nervewrecking,” Seonghwa giddily replies as he walk besides the younger male.

“I want to apologize but you look kinda cute with those band-aids in your shoulders and knees.”

Seonghwa huffed, “It was _your_ band-aids.”

“Indeed.” Yeosang nodded as he looked directly at Seonghwa’s face, “Hey, where are we going?”

Seonghwa looked back at Yeosang for a bit before turning his head towards the pathway once again “Just a diner. Let’s grab something to eat.”

“Is it far?”

“Kinda. Probably an hour away? But we can take the bus to get there as soon as possible.”

“Let’s just walk!” Yeosang suggested, grinning at him.

“Wait! Are you sure about that? You’ll get tired!” Seonghwa exclaimed, giving him a concerned look.

“I am not made from glass, Seonghwa. Chill! And I’d like to enjoy the scenery so I want to walk with you,” Yeosang said as he held Seonghwa’s hand, “_There!_ So I wouldn’t get lost!”

Seonghwa can’t help but look away, hoping that the pink tint on his cheeks would be unnoticed by the younger male. He felt a bit bad on making Yeosang walk when they’re supposed to take their time and _enjoy_, he could’ve brought Yeosang to other places other than this. The warmth from Yeosang’s hand makes him feel giddy and clung to it like his life depended on it, he was so deprived from affection like this.

The one-hour walk was sorta distracted as the two kept on talking, Seonghwa felt so comfortable on talking to the younger male and even blabbered some of his inner thoughts in which Yeosang responded with such comforting words that almost made him weep. Yeosang knows how to please people with his words and it’s so effective on him that he wanted to thank the Gods for letting an angel like him exist.  
  


“What do you want to eat, Seonghwa?” Yeosang asks as he looked at the menu, “I want to treat you for spending time with me and to compensate for the scars that I’ve gave you.”

“You don’t need to!” Seonghwa shook his head as he politely decline Yeosang’s offer.

Yeosang pouts, “I want to treat you, Seonghwa. Will you let me do that? As a thank you for accompanying me? _Please_?”

Seonghwa is already having an internal conflict because who would be able to say ‘no’ to Yeosang as he batted his pretty eyelashes and looking at him with such puppy eyes? _Nobody_. He sighed in defeat, “F-Fine.”

“Thank you!” Yeosang beams as he looked at the menu, “Pick whatever you want!”

“I should be the one thanking you,” the raven-haired male sheepishly said, scratching his nape.  
  
  


Seonghwa ended up buying one of the cheap meals because he doesn’t want Yeosang to spend too much money for him. Yeosang bought the same meal but decided to buy a dessert for both of them, staring in awe at the two parfait in front of them. The raven-haired male can’t help but adore the younger male in front of him, noticing how his eyes sparkle in delight when something sweet is served in front of him.   
  
  


“Let’s eat!” Yeosang chirps as he started to bite the burger.

“Cute.” Seonghwa mutters, smiling as he started eating his own meal.

“Cute?” Yeosang widened his eyes as he looked away in embarrassment, “N-Not really.”

Seonghwa felt like he was about to throw up when he saw Yeosang’s brightened expression changed “I-I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable.”

“No!” Yeosang furiously shook his head, assuring Seonghwa that he didn’t made him uncomfortable at all “That’s not true. I’m just not used to be praised like that. I appreciate that and I’m happy to know that I look cute, Seonghwa! Don’t sweat it!”

“R-Really?”

“Of course!” Yeosang nervously chuckled as he immediately tried to think of a topic so they could stray away from this situation, “So.. about the skateboarding? How is it?”

“It’s awesome. I never thought that it would be _that_ thrilling! I mean.. I know how to ride a bike but riding a skateboard is an another thing!”

Yeosang hummed in acknowledgement, “Tell me more.”

“I like the cold breeze that hits my skin while riding the skateboard! I might be able to ride it in just a straight path but I would like to know how to turn and do some awesome tricks!” Seonghwa enthusiastically stated, “Just like what you’ve been doing a while ago.”

“I’m sure that you’ll be able to do that too.”

“You think so?” Seonghwa asked as he looked down, “I-I’m kinda hesitating if I’ll be able to do that. It was fun. _Really._ But I’m not that great, not as great as you. There’s no way that I’ll be able to do that.”

“I’m sure that you’ll be able to do that, Seonghwa.” Yeosang held his hand once again and Seonghwa felt like he’s burning up “Put a little faith on yourself, okay?”

“But I kept on messing up stuff.”

“It’s alright. Keep on messing up again and again, you’ll learn something from it which will make you improve. And before you even knew it, you’re able to achieve your goal because of the ‘messing up’ that you’ve did!” Yeosang assured as he grinned towards him.  
  
  
  
  


Seonghwa can just nod, there’s _something_ in Yeosang that can convince him. He wondered if it’s the male’s deep yet gentle voice or his eyes that doesn’t show any malice at all. He doesn’t know but he was getting drawn towards the younger male more and more that he noticed how he can get anything but sad whenever Yeosang is around or whenever he texts him. _It feels weird_. _**Yet in a good way**_.  
  


They ate while chatting once again and Seonghwa, despite being a reserved one, talks a lot and responds to Yeosang’s questions and statements. Seonghwa doesn’t even know where this conversation of theirs would end up but he doesn’t even care, just talking with Yeosang can distract him from his inner demons and _that’s the only thing that matters_. And before they even knew it, they’ve spent a few hours in the diner and the moment that they’ve went out, the streetlights illuminate the entire city along with the neon boards.  
  


“We’ve been chatting too much that it’s already evening!” Yeosang said as an amused laugh was heard, “I didn’t even realized it, guess that talking to you is that fun.”

“Don’t be like that. You’re the one that made the conversation going,” Seonghwa shyly said, chuckling at the younger male’s statement.

“It was fun. Like we were talking about school then in all of the sudden, we’re talking about cats and the conversation got mixed up. We didn’t even cared about how messed up it is and kept on talking.”

“Talking is nice. It’s just that it’s been a while since I’ve talked this much towards other people,” Seonghwa admits, “Ever since my foster parents died, I’ve isolated myself and kept on bottling up my emotions that it caused me to be like this.”

“Venting it out can help you out,” Yeosang softly says as he held Seonghwa’s hand, “You’ve been through a lot, Seonghwa. I’m so proud that you’re able to talk to me about your struggles and I’m thankful of you and that bravery of yours.”

“I’m not brave at all.”

“Yes, you are. You’re brave enough to vent out and conquered the voices inside your head that tells you shitty stuff.”

“I let them win most of the time.”

“They haven’t won at all. They were able to taunt you but they didn’t achieve their main goal, Seonghwa.” Seonghwa can feel Yeosang’s grip on him had been tighter but not enough for him to hurt, just enough for him to feel the warmth from the younger male “The proof is _here._ You’re still alive, _hun_. They want you dead but you defy them and kept yourself alive, you might’ve scars inside and probably, _outside_ but the fact that you’re here, in front of me, is enough proof that you’ve fought them well.”

“My inner demons are out there and it kept on chasing me, Yeosang. _It’s terrifying and the influence that they give me, I can feel myself shattering more and more_.” Seonghwa’s voice shakes as he kept on talking, his hands are probably the same too “I’m _broken_, Yeosang. I’m way too far from salvation and I’ll continue having a miserable life as long as I continue existing.”

“No, Seonghwa.” Yeosang said in a firm tone, “That’s not true at all. Broken, yes but you can still be saved. It’s a long ass ride but we’ll get there soon.”  
  
  


They kept on walking and passed by different kinds of people, some were smiling and some were not. Some were lucky and some were the unfortunate ones. Some looks like they’re struggling with life while there are some that is grinning widely in such a genuine way. Seonghwa doesn’t know what their true feelings are and it doesn’t matter, they’re nothing but a bunch of passerbys. In the end, no one would care that much towards an individual since there’s too conscious of themselves. _Yeosang__ is probably the same too, too immersed on his heroic acts of ‘saving’ him._

“Hey, Yeosang.” He spoke in a soft tone yet a string of melancholic can be felt in it if Yeosang would analyze too much, “Why do you think we were  
born in this world?”

“It’s probably to encounter someone who will share the same fate as you,” Yeosang replies, making Seonghwa confused because _why would someone wants to share the same fact as someone as miserable as him?_ That doesn’t make sense at all. “And who’ll accept you even during your worst days.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s fated to happen. Two people sharing the same fate and accepting their flaws as their bond becomes stronger, strong enough that no one will be able to destroy it.” Yeosang dreamily replied as he looked at the surroundings, enjoying the view that he’s seeing before getting back to his miserable life, “_This bond. No one can break it.”_

“Bond, huh..” Seonghwa was looking at the younger male the entire time and saw how lively he responded, filled with ignorance and happiness on the way he spoke.

“Your situation right now is like being lost in the middle of a misty forest, you know the way out but the mist which represents your grief and the emotions that you’ve bottled up are preventing you on doing that. Confused and frustrated as hell, you let yourself get trapped in it and thought that you won’t be able to break out of it. Fear not, Seonghwa.” Yeosang looks at the raven-haired male with such fondness in his gaze as he grinned at him, “The mist will break soon and you’ll find your way out. You’re not alone, someone out there will seek for you and help you out. Someone is always there for you. _Remember that_.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They were too immersed on their conversation that they almost didn’t realized that they’re in front of the bus station, Yeosang kept on holding Seonghwa’s hand as he provided him the human contact and comfort that this bliss-deprived male needed. He wanted him to realize that he isn’t alone, he knew that he was already like a broken record but he needs to say it again and again, he needs to assure Seonghwa that everything will be fine. He will assure him that he’ll get through it no matter what.

_Yeosang will make sure of it because he knows what is someone that is way too far from salvation. It is him._   
  
  


_“Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu._” the younger male chants again and again as he kept his gaze with Seonghwa.

“What was that?”

“A certain mantra not just for us but for everyone.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’ll tell you soon.”

Seonghwa tilted his head in confusion, “Soon?”

“Will you be patient enough for me to tell you about that?”

Seonghwa nodded, “S-Sure.”

“I’m about to head home now but please don’t hesitate to message or call me if it gets _tough_. I might be busy but I’ll do my best to respond so I guess you should expect late responses, I guess?” Yeosang chuckled lightly and Seonghwa is getting drowned on the fluffiness that he’s feeling.

“Oh.”

“Don’t worry! We’ll be meeting every week, right?” Yeosang stated, “Please remember everything that I’ve said. I hope that my words are able to reach you out, Seonghwa.”

“You’re too nice..” The raven-haired looked down, smiling sadly with just the thought of his comfort zone leaving once again.

“It’s the only thing that I can do, Seonghwa.”

“Pardon?” Seonghwa can’t help but notice the sudden change of tone on the way Yeosang stated it and when he looked up to meet the younger male gaze, he swore that it’s probably the saddest expression that he saw from him.

“My life doesn’t matter here, Seonghwa. It’s about _you_.”

“That’s not true at all! You matter too! If my worthless life matters then your life should be too!” Seonghwa exclaimed and gasped when he saw Yeosang flinched, making him worried “I-I’m sorry for screaming.”  
  
  
  
  
  


He was expecting Yeosang to leave immediately because of his outburst, feeling the anxiety creeping in him slowly. But he was startled when Yeosang suddenly laughed, it was way different than his usual laughter. Maybe Seonghwa is overanalyzing stuff but this laughs sounds more _lively_ than Yeosang’s usual laughter. He even wondered why is he laughing, he should be mad or disappointed at Seonghwa right now. _It doesn’t make sense._  
  
  
  


“Seriously, Seonghwa! You’re the nice person here!” Yeosang said as he calmed down from laughing too much, “Ah! It’s been a while since I laughed that much.”

“Are you okay?” Seonghwa is getting a bit worried on the younger male’s actions.

“I’m _fine_, Seonghwa. Thank you for the concern.” Yeosang tapped Seonghwa’s shoulder and he saw a blue sticky note in it, “Honestly, you’re a kind-hearted person and you deserve the entire world.”

“I’m not kind at all.” Seonghwa stated as he looked away, “A-Aren’t you supposed to be on your way back home?”

“I should be. But I want to leave by making sure that you’ll be fine.”

“I’ll be fine! Don’t worry about me that much, Yeosang.” Seonghwa retorted, sighing “I’m not that important.”

“Well, if you think like that then I guess I have to include you in my ‘one of the important people in my life’ list!” Yeosang announced as he crossed his arms and grins.

“You can’t just decide something like that in all of the sudden!” Seonghwa exclaimed, flabbergasted at the younger male’s decisions.

“Yes, I can! Whether you like it or not, you’re one of the _important_ people in my life! So you better take care of yourself while I’m gone, okay?!” Yeosang stated with authority yet Seonghwa finds it endearingly.

“I’ll do my best..”

“I’m glad to hear that!” Yeosang beams as he held Seonghwa’s hand and entwined it for a while, “Thank you for today. The _date_ is great!”

Seonghwa felt like his mind shuts down for a few seconds and the moment that everything sinks in, he gasped “D-Date?!”

“Yes!” Yeosang giggled before letting go of his hand and running towards the bus, “Looking forward for more of it!”  
  
  
  
  


Seonghwa wasn’t even able to respond because Yeosang got in the bus and he was somehow thankful that the bus is already on its way, he’s sure that he is nothing but a blushing mess right now. His heart won’t stop pounding and Yeosang’s words kept on repeating inside his head. He knew that he had been describing Yeosang as a beautiful person and that he finds comfort towards the younger male but to be like this because of him? It’s something that feel surreal.  
  
  
  


_Am I getting a crush on Kang Yeosang?_


	10. 9 [no way out]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both of them thinks that there’s no way out on the hellhole that they’re in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is supposed to be compiled with the next one but i decided to cut it into two and make it an another chapter since i'll be putting trigger warnings on the note for that chapter.
> 
> am i going too fast or is it too slow? i feel like it's turning into a slow burn one and there's barely even an improvement on the characters. 
> 
> if you have some spare time, kindly leave a comment or two since i really want to know if this update is good. ;;;;

_‘You deserve happiness. ♥’_   
  


Seonghwa couldn’t stop looking at the sticky note that instead of sticking it on the wall of his room, he put it in his notebook so he can look at it even when he’s at school or during a break in his work. They’ve been meeting every week since the last month and Seonghwa became comfortable with the blond male’s presenceq. Now, it’s been three days since they’ve last met and he’s been deprived of the younger male’s presence, they kept on chatting each other sometimes while Yeosang send him inspiring words everyday.

It makes him keep on going yet he couldn’t tell him that he was way too _deep_ in this abyss. The inspiring messages kept him on going but the way he redeems himself wouldn’t disappear, it had been a habit and it was getting _worse_.

The scars from the cuts wasn’t just seen on the thighs but also on the hips, an angry red mark and some of them being faint and Seonghwa is sure that there will be fresh ones sooner. Some of his income is spent for cigarettes, taking more and more as the days kept on passing whenever he’s stressed from his studies or work. What’s the worst is the _voices_, they’re slowly taking over Seonghwa’s sanity. 

“Seonghwa-hyung, you’re spacing out.”

Seonghwa blinked once, twice then gained his composure as he looked at Jongho “I’m sorry.”

“I was asking you _how are you_ but you weren’t responding at all,” Jongho stated and looked at the older male with worry plastered in his face, “Are you alright, hyung?”

“Me? Y-Yes,” Seonghwa responds, faking a chuckle and hoping that Jongho wouldn’t notice at all “I’m okay!”

“How about the weekly visit from Mrs. Kang?” Jongho asks, sitting beside him on their couch.

“It was good.” _No. It wasn’t. It wasn’t helping me at all, there’s still a speck of sadness left that grows immediately._

“I’m glad to know about that. You’ve been through a lot, hyung.” Jongho patted his shoulder, grinning widely “You’ll get through this too.”

“Thank you.”

“So, how’s your studies?”

“It’s fine. I’m doing well with them,” Seonghwa replied, “I’m always two or three chapters away from the current lessons.”

“You’re such a hard-working one, Seonghwa-hyung.” Jongho giggled before looking at him in such a teasing way, “It’s probably a good thing that you’re meeting with that _mystery guy_ often.”

“What are you trying to imply, mister?” Seonghwa crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow.

“We’re so curious about that guy, hyung! Remember when you came home after meeting him and you’re covered with band-aids? You hate _pain_ and getting scars yet you were grinning like an idiot that time,” Jongho noted, “That’s because of the guy, right? You had fun meeting him.”

“That’s..” Seonghwa suddenly felt like he was about to drown on his own emotions once again, he used to hate _scars_ and _pain_ yet he was covered by it now.

“Hyung? I’m losing you again.” Jongho snapped his fingers and Seonghwa was back to the world of the living once again.

“Sorry. I just kept on spacing out..”

“Are you sure that you’re not sick at all?” Jongho asked, looking thoroughly at him.

Seonghwa nods, “I’m fine, Jongho. Just a bit tired since there’s too many customers last night.”

“You’ve been working too hard, hyung. Are you sure that you’ll be able to take it all?”

“I should, Jongho. I need to pay for my own school fees and also my medication,” Seonghwa replies, smiling at the younger male as he ruffled his hair, “Thank you for your concern.”

“Hyung! My hair!” Jongho whined, prying the hands off him.

Seonghwa smirks, “Why? You styled your hair too much so you’ll look good in front of Hongjoong?”

“H-Hyung!” Jongho was already blushing with just the mention of the older male as he glared playfully at Seonghwa, “As if you don’t do the same when you meet that mystery guy! Just wait, hyung! The moment that I meet him, I’m going to talk a lot and tell him some of your embarrassing moments!”

“Hey! Don’t you even dare!” Seonghwa hissed.

Jongho playfully stuck his tongue out, “Just wait, hyung.”  
  
  
  


Seonghwa immediately excused himself to head to school. It was Tuesday and his appointment with Mrs. Kang is every Friday. His Fridays had been such a busy day with him travelling to three places, the hospital, uni and the cafe. It caused him to skip lunch and just rely on the food during his break in his shifts and the food made by them at home. He didn’t spend too much money in order to save some for his school fees, his medication and giving a portion of it to his aunt. Life is getting tougher, the anti-depressants are expensive and he needs to prepare money for his tuition soon.  
  


_‘Good morning, _ _Seonghwa_ _! _   
_Take care of yourself today! I’m so proud of you getting through an another day, you’re doing well! Keep it up!’_   
  


Seonghwa smiled at the message from the younger male and sent him a short message consisting of a _‘likewise. you too.’_ before putting his phone in his pocket once again. Life is tough but whenever he thinks of Yeosang, it somehow ease the pain and worry. Whenever he vents out on Yeosang, the younger male kept on comforting him and easing the pain away by distracting him and making lots of messages in the sticky notes that he always brings. The raven-haired male wondered why Yeosang kept on bringing them wherever he goes, maybe it’s one of his eccentric habits. Seonghwa doesn’t dislike it, it makes Yeosang more adorable in his eyes.

While Yeosang is his comfort zone, he couldn’t say _everything_ to him at all. Just like at Mrs. Kang, there’s still a lot of words unsaid that is bottled up until it was filled and Seonghwa is once again on his destructive self. That’s where a certain someone comes in the setting.

“Seonghwa-hyung, hello.” Seonghwa looked at the one that greeted him and saw Mingi’s boyfriend, waving his hand lazily as he approached him.

“Hello, Yunho.” he greeted back. _Speaking of the devil._

“How are you?”

Seonghwa sighs, “Same old. Same old.”

“Well, life’s shit.”

“How about you?”

“It’s getting worse. Mingi has been too busy with his paperworks and we didn’t even met for almost a week. I’m just letting my inner demons take over me, drink as much as I can, hurt myself and get myself high.”

Seonghwa sighed again, “Please take care of yourself.”

“That’s rich coming from someone that doesn’t even takes care of himself.”

“Oh, come on.” Seonghwa massaged his temples gently with his fingers, “I’m just saying this as a friend.”

“I appreciate that.” Yunho giggled as he put both of his hands on the pockets of his hoodie, “But you know that we weren’t going to do that, right?”

“No shit, Sherlock.”  
  


Yunho, on the other hand, is someone that he can trust with his inner demons. As someone that experience the same hellhole every single day, he can confide to the younger one. There are times that they talk about how tough it is to continue living, their conversation being as grim as their lives.  
  


“But seriously, how are you? I’ve seen you smoking a lot lately,” Yunho said.

“Everything has been stressful and I really don’t want to have a panic attack so I tend to smoke to destress myself.”

“I can recommend you something that will really make you forget your problems,” Yunho stated as he lets out one of those shit-eating grin of his.

“Recommend?”

“You know that I take _drugs_ to distract myself, right?”

“Wait. You’re making me take them too?!”

“If only you wanted to. I recommend it though.. it can help,” Yunho said, sighing “You know how the anti-depressants affect you, right?”

“Yes.”

“Have you ever had this thought of taking _too_ much of it? Wondering if it’ll make you feel more numb as you are?” Yunho leaned in front of Seonghwa as his lips curled upwards, “The thought of taking sleeping pills and wishing that the sleep that will envelope you will remove the pain away?”

“Yunho..”

“You’ve _definitely_ thought of something like that, right?”

“Even if I do, addiction is something that isn’t easy to escape at..” Seonghwa retorted, trying to knack some sense to Yunho despite agreeing with him.

“Hyung, you’re already addicted to something that is destructs you.” Yunho pinpoints, “Smoking, self-harm and your eating disorder. It’s actually a good thing that nobody have ever noticed you about it. You’re doing great on hiding your situation that it makes me feel bad for you, why are you even masking it?”

“I don’t want my brothers and aunt to know.” Seonghwa looks down in worry, hoping that no one will know about it aside from Yunho and Yeosang.

“They’ll know about it eventually..”

“What about you? Is Mingi aware of your situation?” Seonghwa asks and Yunho snickered.

“He knows.” The way that Yunho smiled makes Seonghwa sick, how can he smile like that when the one that _loves_ him is aware of his pain? “He’s doing his best to _save_ me but I’m way too far from that. What he doesn’t know is that I’m addicted to drugs, he only knows about my scars and my addiction to liquor.”

“Aren’t you going to tell him that?”

“He doesn’t need to know _everything._” Yunho sternly said, glaring at the older male.

Seonghwa couldn’t help but chuckle, “We’re both selfless bastards. We kept on hiding a lot of shits just to make sure that our beloved ones are not involved in our current situation.”

“I know right.” Yunho nodded in agreement, “So, are you considering my offer?”

“Those are expensive, Yunho. I’m on a tight budget, you see?” Seonghwa doesn’t even know why he’s saying this, he should be declining the offer immediately “And I’m unaware of using that at all.”

“If you’re worried about that then worry no more,” Yunho beams, “It’s for free, I have a lot of stock and I do not have to worry about money at all.”  
  
  
  


The way Yunho gives him such an enthusiastic expression makes him want to throw up, it wasn’t forced at all. He was expressing himself without hesitating at all and Seonghwa realizes everything when he looked at the other male’s eyes, Yunho is under the influence of drugs. He wondered if Mingi knows about this or is he feigning ignorance that he’s unaware of Yunho’s condition.  
  
  


“Why are you doing this?” Seonghwa asks.

“Just because.” The taller male shrugged as he looked at Seonghwa, “Maybe it’s because I’m seeing a reflection of mine years ago before I turned into something like this.”

_“Years ago?” _

Yunho nodded, “I used to hide my situation before but now, I’m fucking free from the shackles! I can fucking express myself and not give a flying fuck about it!”

“Yunho, calm down.”

“Come on, Seonghwa-hyung. You’re already in the process of destruction and there’s _no way out_ of this. Might as well destruct yourself as soon as possible instead of continuing to wear that mask of yours before it ends up shattered into pieces,” Yunho persuades, lips curling upwards once again “Don’t you think that your goody-two shoes act should be thrown away? If you continue that clownery, you’ll just end up destroying yourself in such a sad way. Be as miserable and fucked up as much as you want without the fear of hurting others that feigns concern towards you!”

“I need some time to think about it, Yunho.”

Yunho grinned, “I’ll be waiting for your response, hyung. It’s better if we’ll do it on your day-off so you can get some rest since it’ll be your first time.”  
  
  
  
  
  


Yunho walked away, leaving him as Seonghwa sighed. He planted his face on both of his hands and lets out a muffled scream, getting frustrated of everything. If Yeosang is his temporary haven, making him forget about the pain and replacing it with happiness. Yunho is the opposite, he’s Seonghwa’s one-way ticket to hell. He wouldn’t hesitate on dragging Seonghwa to the same hellhole where he is, making him realize again and again that there’s no way out to this situation.  
  


Despite that, Yunho is still a mystery. Yunho is well-known to their uni, he has a lot of friends and he was a known member of a rich family. How can someone as wealthy and loved as Jeong Yunho end up something like this?

_ **•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•** _

Yeosang bit his lip in pain, limping towards his room. The monster was unconscious because of the alcohol that he took, lying on the floor in their living room. He sighed in relief as he arrived in his own room and locked the door before limping towards the bed and with his last ounce of strength, threw his bag in it before letting himself fall on the mattress.

“Shit.” He lets out a whimper when the mattress got in contact with the newly made bruises and along with the ones that is still on the state of healing.  
  


He was thankful enough that there isn’t a bruise seen in his face, he wouldn’t have to cover it up with cosmetics. He only have to wear bandages on his arms whenever he’s on work to hide them, it’s not working well since it got his workmates and even his manager worry about his condition. He doesn’t have the guts to tell them the abuse that he was going through, he doesn’t have the heart to make his father imprisoned.

Yeosang couldn’t help but let the tears stream from his eyes, wondering why does he have to continue living a life like this. All he wanted to happen is to be loved, he knew that his family is way beyond salvation and was left by his mother and his siblings to his father. He wondered why was he left to him, maybe because of the custody thing? Or maybe he was unloved?

All that he gathered from his mother were the money that was sent to his account. She doesn’t even message him at all and it makes Yeosang wonder why. Maybe it’s her compensation for leaving him, Yeosang doesn’t even know and just lets everything happen as he continues on existing. There are times that he even wondered why is he still existing, he’s still looking for his reason to exist. _The reason why he’s existing at all._

Yeosang is barely even _alive_. He considers himself _dead_ when his mother left him to suffer a life like this, he considered himself a _dead man walking_ when he graduated in high school and decided to give up his dreams, making himself stay in this town instead of enrolling for college. 

He knew that the _monster_ wouldn’t even let him leave him, he knew what will happen if he’ll escape from this. Maybe Yeosang is such a selfless person but he doesn’t want his father to ruin their lives. They’re probably having a stable life and he couldn’t steal them away, he’d rather continue staying in this cage if it’s for his family’s safety and happiness.   
  
  


“It hurts..”   
  
  
  


He continued crying until he couldn’t weep at all, he looked at the ceiling as he heard his phone vibrated. There can only be one person that contacts him, his co-workers are too busy to chat frequently. _Seonghwa. _

The raven-haired male was a blank page. The moment that he saw him on the rooftop, Yeosang immediately offered help and did his best to knack some sense to the male. He looked too tired of living but with a few words, he found out that the male is just in pain and he can still be saved. He was just scarred to the point that he wanted to end his life and Yeosang being the selfish loser that he is, he’s willing to patch him up until he’ll be able to heal from the scars.  
  


Yet hanging out with him makes him happy, even with just a small amount of time, he’s been able to feel free. After being reclused to this town and continuing his mundane everyday, he suddenly felt alive because of Seonghwa. The time that he spent with him is one of the happiest that Yeosang got, it’s been a while since he lets himself get a rest of everything.

He wondered if Seonghwa is getting through it slowly, he wondered if he’s able to help him out on recovering. He smiles with the thought of Seonghwa getting through this phase and being as happy as he should, the older male deserves happiness. And Yeosang would do everything to make that come true because he’s convinced that Seonghwa’s life is more worthy than his own.

The kind-hearted man has people that loves him and is willing to help him get through it, he still has a bit of conscience left in him and even if it’s faint, there’s still a string of hope in him. It might be weird but Yeosang felt like he was getting attracted to the male, he saw some of his flaws and told him some of his darkest secrets. Seonghwa probably thought that Yeosang is tired of him but that’s the opposite, Yeosang felt himself getting drawn closer towards the male.  
  


Of course, this attraction, is going to be his secret. This won’t be revealed at all, he doesn’t want the male to think that he’s taking advantage of his depression to hit on him. These feelings aren’t his priority, his priority is Seonghwa to overcome this situation. Yeosang smiled wider as his shaking hand managed to get his phone yet his smile faltered immediately when he saw the message.  
  
  


_‘Hello, Yeosang. Uh.. I won’t be able to hang out with you this weekend. I’ll be taking care of some stuff, I’ll make it up to you next week. I promise.’_

_‘It’s alright, Seonghwa. Don’t push yourself and take all the time that you needed. Take care of yourself, okay?’_   
  


Yeosang turned his phone off, staring at the ceiling once again. He wondered if Seonghwa is already on the process of healing that he was slowly being exiled from his life. He started having thoughts of being abandoned by a friend that he cherishes but instead of being sad, he was happy. _Seonghwa is on the way to his happiness, he’ll be happy once again and live his life at its fullest. _

_It’s what you want, right? For the people you want to save to attain their salvation. Because you’re way too far from it._   
  


Yeosang smiles bitterly, “There’s no way out for me, huh?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading this chapter! it'll be a pleasure if you'll leave a comment or two about this chapter! i love looking at comments and seeing your reactions about the updates :)


	11. 10 [‘hope’]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are about to get dark from now on.
> 
> thank you for reading this fic and if you've enjoyed it, i'd appreciate it if you'll leave a comment or two about the fic! ♥ updates will be on weekends and.. when i have a day-off on my work!

Seonghwa knows that he should’ve think about this a bit more thoroughly, this isn’t something that he’ll be able to escape with when he starts it. He knew that this is his one-way ticket to his own downfall yet he let himself walk towards the address sent by Yunho.

He should’ve been hanging around with Yeosang right now, feeling those weird sensations that makes him feel _alive_ whenever the younger male is around. But he chose this out of frustration.

The voices were never leaving him, taunting him to hurt himself more and more. He was already covered in angry crimson lines, some are faded brown scars yet the new ones surrounded it. He was so close on doing the same on his wrists but the risk of his family finding about it will make him more miserable than ever, it’ll make them sad for him.

He was too deep in his thoughts that he didn’t even noticed Yunho waiting for him in the gate of a house, leaning on it listlessly “Seonghwa-hyung, here.”

“Yunho..” Seonghwa blinked a few times before taking a deep breath, “I went here just as you’ve told me.”

“Neat.” The taller male stated, grinning a bit as he ran a hand on his newly-dyed hair, from the fluffy brown locks into a blazing blond one.

“I tried researching a bit about this and was about to be against this but..” Seonghwa smiled a bit, “Maybe I’ll just try it for now.”

Yunho’s grin turned into a smirk, “Let’s see if you’ll just _try_ it and get addicted to it. You’ll understand what I’m talking about once that the drug runs throughout your system, hyung.”

Seonghwa can’t prevent the feeling of uncomfort on the younger male’s words as he just sighed before saying, “Let’s get this over with.”

Yunho blinked a few times before standing properly and opening the gate then shrugged, “Alright then.”  
  


The moment that Seonghwa saw Yunho’s home, he can’t help but look in awe on the interior for a while before seeing the pile of trash in every single corner of the room, giving him such a disgusted look. His clean freak instinct is getting the best of him as the trash makes him more frustrated.

“Excuse me but what the fuck?” Seonghwa says in such a grumpy tone.

“What?”

“Don’t _‘what?’_ me! Your house is a mess!”

“Heh. Like my life.”

“Are you not even cleaning it up?!” Seonghwa exclaims, his frustration getting the best out of him.

“Sometimes. But aside from my bad habits, I play games a lot and cleaning up means that I might unplug a cable and my games might get interrupted.” Yunho replied in such a casual tone and it’s making Seonghwa crazy.

“So you’re telling me that I’m going to get myself _high_ in a place like this?!” Seonghwa was about to burst and knack some sense into this person.

“It’s actually in my room but if you’d like to then let’s get high in here instead.”

“I doubt that your room is clean,” Seonghwa said, giving him an accused look.

Yunho nods, “It’s actually messier.”

Seonghwa felt like something _snapped_ inside him and he immediately grabbed Yunho’s shoulders in such a tight way that the younger male winced, _“Where’s the cleaning utensils?”_

“What?”

“I said..” Seonghwa’s grip on him tightened and Yunho lets out a whimper, _**“Where are the fucking cleaning utensils?!”**_

“In the closet beside the kitchen!”

Seonghwa stomped towards the kitchen and he felt like he’s about to faint with just the sight of the unwashed dishes and utensils in the sink. The house with two floors was beautiful in the outside and the interior and furniture in it was beautiful yet the mess made by Yunho made it look _hideous_ in Seonghwa’s eyes. He can’t even believe that he’ll see a house as messy as Yunho’s and his clean freak self is urging him to clean up.

He immediately took a garbage bag along with the dustpan and broom, he also took a pair of gloves that seems to be unopened from its container. He was thinking of using the vacuum but there’s too much of a mess that he barely even stepped on a clean floor. The raven-haired male immediately went back to the living room as he glared at the dumbfounded Yunho before starting to clean it up, picking the plastic wrappers of candies, junk food along with the plastic bottles in the floor.

“H-Hey, hyung. You don’t need to clean up—”

Seonghwa gave him an icy glare, _**“Shut up, shithead.”**_

“H-Hyung?!” Yunho’s eyes widened in surprise with Seonghwa’s response stated in such a low tone snarl.

“How can you even live in such an untidy place?! You can’t even walk in the floor without stepping on trash!” Seonghwa exclaims as he kept on picking up the trash and putting them in the garbage bag.

“It doesn’t even matter—”

“Yes, it does!”

Yunho whines, “Why are you even doing that? We can just use the spare room in the second floor, hyung.”

“No. This place is untidy. I _must_ clean this place up or else I won’t be able to sleep for a week or two.” Seonghwa gritted his teeth as he took his attention back on the trash piled up on the floor.

Seonghwa can’t help but force Yunho to get out of his own home, making him wait in front of his home’s door as Seonghwa started to clean up. After picking the trash that he could and putting them in one of the garbage bag, he unplugged every single cable and puts them in the table as he took the broom and dustpan. The raven-haired male started to sweep, making sure that he got all of the dirt and some crumbs from the food that Yunho eats in the dustpan and dumping them in the garbage bag.

He repeated the action until the living room’s clean up, next is the kitchen and Seonghwa wanted to choke the younger male for being such a messy person. The sponge wasn’t even used and Seonghwa made sure that he cleaned the dishes without a speck of anything in it, making it squeaky clean. He wiped the tables and organized the entire stuff, smiling in relief as everything looks decent in his sight.

“Hyung, you really don’t need to clean—” Yunho immediately says when Seonghwa opened the door for him to entire but the older male cuts him off.

“I need a permission to clean your room, Yunho.”

“W-What?” Yunho can’t help but raise an eyebrow at the older male’s actions.

“I _**need**_ to clean your room. It must’ve been messier than the first floor. Don’t you have someone that cleans up?” Seonghwa asks.

“I live alone.”

“Oh.”

“One of the maid from my family’s manor visits me monthly to clean the house. I don’t let them in my room though..”

“M-Maid?!”

“Yes. Is there something wrong?” Yunho asked, tilting his head in confusion.

“Y-You’ve never cleaned in your entire life?” Seonghwa couldn’t even believe this, he knew that Yunho is wealthy but to be spoiled like this? _No._

“Of course, I know how to clean but my mind is too occupied by my dark thoughts that even the thought of tidying it up doesn’t enter my mind at all,” Yunho says in a sheepishly way, scratching his neck “Damn it, hyung. I feel so embarrassed right now.”

“You should be!” Seonghwa puts both of his hands on his hips, glaring at the younger male, “At the very least, tidy it up.”

“S-Sorry..” Yunho stated before giving Seonghwa an amused look, “Not gonna lie but you’re kind of a motherly figure.”

“I’ve been helping out on the orphanage that I’m in before and I still help my foster parents on cleaning the house when I’m free,” Seonghwa replies, smiling a bit “Whenever I have a spare time, it’s either I’m studying, cooking or cleaning the house.”

Yunho giggled and Seonghwa gave him a weird look which made the taller grin at him, “You know what? There are times that I can’t see my old self in you, you’re still a bit _alive,_ Seonghwa-hyung.”

“It’s just a habit that I’ve been used to. That’s all.”

“But, hyung. Once that you’re in the same state as mine, you’ll probably even forget doing something like this. Too much of everything will block you out from your sanity,” Yunho said as he tapped Seonghwa’s shoulder, “And just like what I’ve said, my room is messier so if you’re going to have a headache then you could back out.”

“Me? Backing out on a messy place?” Seonghwa snickers, “Bitch please.”

“Well.. damn, hyung. I’ve never thought that you’re such a _clean freak,_ I just thought that you’re pretty average but you’re kind of dedicated when it comes to this.” Yunho stated in awe, “It’s like me but when it comes to _games_.”

“So, am I allowed to clean your room?” Seonghwa asked once again.

Yunho sighed in defeat, “Do whatever you like, hyung. Just please be gentle with my gaming consoles.”

Yunho entered the house once again as the older male immediately went into his room, somehow wincing when he heard Seonghwa groaned. He wondered how can someone as Seonghwa be as lively as he is despite being trapped in the same hellhole as him. The moment that Yunho saw him, he knew that he’s meant to fall in the same abyss as his own. But Seonghwa is a little bit different, he’s such a kind-hearted person that got lost in a labyrinth without an exit. _He’s one of the fallen angels that doesn’t even deserve to experience this._

Yunho knew that this _‘helping out’_ would just make Seonghwa _worse_ but he wanted to lessen the pain of this person, Seonghwa doesn’t deserve to suffer too much just because of this. He cares for his friends, family and even that stranger that he had been talking about. Yunho should just let Seonghwa out of his own path so he wouldn’t stray too much but just the thought of letting someone experience the _bliss_ that he’s experiencing is such a delight, he just wanted to _help_ Seonghwa.

Yunho wondered if Mingi is just alright, the redhead has always been a hard-working person. He wondered if he had been sleeping normally or if Mingi kept on having an all-nighter because of his projects because unlike Yunho, Mingi has a promising future. He wonders why does Mingi kept on sticking up to him despite knowing that he’s someone that would end up leaving anytime at all?

“Yunho, I’m done!” He was cut off from his trail of thoughts when he heard Seonghwa’s voice from the upper floor.

“Oh. I’m coming, hyung!”

“Seriously, your room is filled with trash. Please clean it up when you have some spare time,” Seonghwa stated as he took the two garbage bags out of the room.

“Sorry about that..”

“I’m sorry for snapping a bit. I just can’t stay still when I see a mess.”

“It’s alright, hyung!”  
  
  


The moment that Seonghwa is done with cleaning, Yunho prepared some snacks for them to share as they watched a certain television show. Both of them aren’t even paying attention to the show, both were too occupied by the voices inside their voices. Yunho kept on stealing glances on Seonghwa, somehow having second thoughts if he should drag Seonghwa into despair deeper or should he just let him go from his grasp.

“Hey, Yunho. Can we go to your room already?”

Yunho blinked once, twice, processed what the older male told him and faked a cough, “Excuse me?”

“Let’s get it started, Yunho. The drug thingy?”

“Wait, hyung. I need to confirm this once again, there’s no turning back once that you’ve got addicted to it.”

Seonghwa lets out a laugh, “Did I stutter?”

Yunho gulped, “If that is what you like then let’s go.”  
  


He turned the television off and stood, heading towards his room as Seonghwa followed silently. The moment that they’ve entered the taller male’s room, he gestured to Seonghwa that he should sit on the corner of the bed. He saw Yunho rummaging on the drawer besides his bed and took a small box out of it, placing it beside Seonghwa.  
  


“I thought that starting off with the powdered one is a bit of difficult so let’s start with the liquid ones,” Yunho stated as he opened the box, revealing a bunch of syringes filled with some kind of fluid.

“What’s that?”

“Oh. _This?_” Yunho took one of the syringe as he closed the box, “_Designer drugs._ I want it to be a bit _special_ for your first time, hyung.”

“Designer drugs?”

“I think it’s a bit too soon for you to take coke or even the meth one,” Yunho simply says and chuckled a bit, “This one will just make you a bit like you’re _floating_, numb from the voices and the pain. It’s kind of a relaxing one, somehow like _ketamin_e but not really. Ketamine is much better and I’d recommend that but you have to get used to drugs like this for.. _starters_.”

“You’re talking as if I’ll be taking more of these in the future, huh?”

Yunho smirked, “Who knows?”

“I can’t afford these. And my psychiatrist will find out about this..”

“Then ditch the therapy. It doesn’t help that much, these _babies_ will be more helpful than those people. They’ll just raise your hopes up in life. Life doesn’t work in that way,” Yunho held Seonghwa right arm, “I’m about to inject it, hyung. Take a deep breath first.”

“Alright.”

Seonghwa did what the younger male have told him as the needle was punctured into his skin, letting the fluid enter his body and Yunho immediately removed it as he looked at the older male. Seonghwa blinked a few times yet he still couldn’t feel anything was changing at all, he gave Yunho a weird look.

“The drug will begin its effects in your body for a few minutes, you should lie down a bit.” Yunho instructed and helped Seonghwa on lying on the bed.

“Aside from the numb thing, what is its other effect?”

“The drug was inspired by ketamine and ecstasy so aside from the physical numbness, you’ll be quite elated. You’ll feel anything but happy,” Yunho explains, “Expect being giddy until the drug wears off. That is such a fantastic feeling and I’m quite sure that you’ll be asking for more.”

“Why are you encouraging me to take these?” Seonghwa asks, “Aren’t you supposed to stray me away from it, knowing what it’ll do to my physical and mental health?”

“I should. But you deserve to be happy too and even if it’s because of the drug, that’s alright. Drugs can be the _only_ one that will make you feel something once you’ve started embracing the happiness that you’ll be experiencing because of these..” Yunho mumbled as he grinned, “I gave you a bit more than the usual dosage though.”

“Oh.”

“I’ll keep on talking, hyung. Remember to respond until you can feel _it_, okay? Let’s make sure that you’ll be able to withstand the effects,” Yunho said as he sat on the corner of the bed.  
  


Just like what the younger male said, he kept on talking and Seonghwa responds with a ‘yes’, ‘no’ or even with just a gesture. It only takes them a few minutes when Seonghwa felt like his mouth is filled with cotton, his body seems to be ascending as he couldn’t feel anything and he lets out a bunch of giggles. His head feels light and the voices didn’t disturb him anymore, he can’t help but grin widely as he looked at Yunho.

“It feels so good..” Seonghwa hums before starting to giggle once again.

“Of course, it does.” Yunho can’t help but let out a melancholic smile, “It’ll continue to feel good if you’ll keep on taking drugs, hyung. _This is only the beginning of your own end too_.”  
  


_ **♪** _

Jongho just finished helping San out on cooking when he heard the doorbell, the older male looked at him as if he’s saying that he should open the door and the younger male just complied. The moment that he opened the door, it revealed him his older brother’s boyfriend and he smiled a bit.

“Wooyoung.”

“Hey, Jongho. It’s nice to see you,” Wooyoung stated, smiling back at the younger male.

“San is at the kitchen. He’s the one assigned to cook,” Jongho simply says as he gestured the younger male to enter the house, “Come in.”

“I’ll greet Sanie. Thank you, Jongie!” the older male chirps and he just nodded in acknowledgement.

“Go ahead.”   
  
  


The youngest one sat on the cough, staring at his phone. He kept on scrolling on his twitter feed, seeing a bunch of amusing stuff and ends up retweeting or liking it. It’s been a while since he had a day-off from his part-time job in their school library, he will definitely enjoy this free time. It’s not like they’re having some trouble with their financial state, they just wanted to contribute something to their household.   
  


“Earth to Jongie!”

Jongho looks at the black-haired male and smiled a bit, “Wooyoungie.”

“You seem to be happy nowadays. I wonder what’s up..”

“It’s nothing. I’m just feeling a bit contented with life nowadays,” Jongho replies as a blush crept on his face, “And Joongie-hyung.. I might say ‘yes’ to him soon.”

“Oh. Hongjoong-hyung has been courting you for quite a long time, huh? How long was it?” Wooyoung asked, grinning at the younger male.

“O-One year..” he mumbles, looking down at the ground.

“Ha?” Wooyoung’s grin faltered as he looked at Jongho in disbelief, “For one year?!”

“Yes.” The younger male muttered, feeling a bit embarrassed and a bit baf for making Hongjoong court him for a year.

“Don’t be shy, bub. I’m just a bit surprised because I thought he’s just courting your for two months or less than that,” Wooyoung assures the younger male, sitting beside him and swinging his right arm around Jongho.

“He confessed to me a year ago but I was having a bit of trust issues back then so I told him that I want him to court me,” Jongho says, smiling melancholically, “I was not ready for a relationship after the _previous_ one, Wooyoung. It didn’t even became a relationship because _shit happened_ so I was worried to fall once again.”

“Oh. You meant _him_, huh?” Wooyoung asks and Jongho nodded, “I wonder how is he nowadays. He broke his promise on keeping in touch with us, Jongho.”

“I don’t know, Wooyoungie.” Jongho felt like he was reopening his old scars, it stings a bit yet it doesn’t hurt as much as before.

“Are you still hoping for him to return, Jongie?”

“Hoping? I actually gave up on him when he didn’t even went to my graduation in high school, I finally let go of my feelings for him the moment that he didn’t even came back.” Jongho looks at the phone and chuckled a bit, “It’s like he disappeared and never came back, Wooyoungie. His sns accounts are still there but they haven’t been opened for years as if he stopped existing after graduating.”

“You’re right about that,” Wooyoung agreed, nodding a bit “I tried contacting that person nonstop, y’know. I even cried to San a lot of times because I was so worried about him and even tried to get some information about him from the school yet I failed miserably.”

“I'm worried about him since we’re kind of aware what kind of situation he is in,” Jongho stated as he dropped his phone in the couch, “I just hope that he’s doing _fine_ right now..”  
  
  


Jongho can still remember that kind smile from that person and just like what people say, everything that’s ethereal won’t last long. He was foreign to these kind of emotions during his high school days and the first time that he fell, he felt like he’s about to burst because of the emotions wanting to themselves to be unleashed. He knew that it’ll be an unrequited love but that person caught him, gently placing his heart to the ground so it wouldn’t shatter into bits. Those gentle hands, taking care of him despite not reciprocrating the damn emotions that he was yearning for.  
  


_“I’ll think about it, Jongho. Will you be able to wait for me? If I won’t be back ‘til you graduate on this school, let go of me. Let go of me and your feelings.”_   
  


_**He didn’t came back**_. And just what he was told to, he finally lets himself go. It was a bittersweet memory, such fleeting love that Jongho experienced. He fell out of it on the moment that he couldn’t even see _him_ on the venue. He knew that it was the _right time_ to move on, something that’s too beautiful isn’t meant to last for such a long time. 

“He’s a strong person, Jongie. I just hope that he’ll be able to live freely,” Wooyoung whispered, glancing at the younger male “Are you still waiting for him to return?”

Jongho nods, “But I don’t love him anymore, Wooyoungie. I’ve finally moved on and I have Hongjoong now, I finally recovered from that experience of mine.”

Wooyoung can’t help but let out an amused chuckle, “You know what? You’re too mature for your own good.”

“Well, one of us have to be mature since the other one’s too immature.” Jongho snickers.

_“Yah!”_ Wooyoung playfully hits him in his arm, “Are you calling me an immature one?!”

Jongho shrugged, “If the shoe fits then feel free, _Cinderella_.”

“Hey!”   
  


Jongho laughs as the older male whines, complaining and telling him that he’s quite mature now unlike during his high school days. Jongho just rolled his eyes before opening the case of his phone, seeing two sticky notes folded in such a neat way.  
  


** _‘You are the person who always gave me kindness. Thank you, Jongho. ’_ **

** _‘fortius, altius’_ **

He still kept the notes that the male gave him on the last time that they saw each other, he wasn’t hoping for his return and his _answer_ anymore. What he’s currently hoping for is his safety and kept the notes as a memory of him. He doesn’t even know if a lot of people remember that person and if he is still alive so he kept him alive in his memories so at the very least, he’s still existing as a part of someone’s life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if ya enjoyed this fic and wanna talk to me. just hmu @ twitter: @_hyriette


	12. 11 [of corruptions and facades]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hewwo! it's been a while! sorry for the delayed update! work had been a bitch to me ;;;;
> 
> and i'm sorry for the cliffhanger! i was actually going to write more but i have to go to work in two hours so i have to prepare rn ;; scream w me in twt: @_hyriette as i cry about yeosang's blond hair and hongjoong's pink hair Q wQ

Seonghwa wasn't expecting how everything ended up. He did not even expected that he started to ditch his weekly therapy for a month now, literally feigning his normal self whenever he's at home or at work. The raven-haired male barely even hangs out with Hongjoong, making a pile of excuses as he dismiss himself immediately whenever they meet at school or at his work.

He barely even talks to his family, not letting a single word slip from his mouth that will make them worry for him. Seonghwa makes sure that no one is worried about him despite the storm inside him getting worse than it already is, letting him drown in the waves in his own accord. On the other hand, everything seems to be calm whenever he hangs with Yeosang but not as much as he used to on the first few weeks that they’ve started meeting weekly. Whenever he makes sure that Yeosang is on his way home, he immediately goes to Yunho’s and lets the taller male corrupt him.

Seonghwa doesn’t even know when it started to get worse. It all started when Yunho gave him a box filled of syringes, telling him to inject it when he feels like doing it. He wasn’t even sane enough since the drug is just starting to wear off during that time so he went home with it and when he got his grasp on his sanity once again, regretted the fact that he lets himself get into a messier situation. _The effect of the drug is good, it made him feel like he wasn’t suffering at all. Feeling that kind of bliss after going through a lot, __Seonghwa__ wouldn’t even let it go when he had a grasp on it._

He started to use it responsibly, only using it whenever it’s too much. _It’s just to get his head out of the misery_, he says. Not until he got used to the bliss that it gives him, making him use it frequently and letting him fall into an abyss filled with happiness. He uses it whenever he’s back from work, letting himself destress and lock himself on his room as the drug takes its effect. Maybe Yunho is right about drugs, maybe it can be the only thing that would make him happy like this.

His family? His friends? His life situation? _Not at all._ It couldn’t make him as happier as he is now, Yunho is definitely right about it.

_Yet it seems like _ _Seonghwa_ _ is forgetting _ _ **something** _ _ whenever he uses it, making the bliss a bit.. meh._

“Hey, Seonghwa-hyung!” He was cut off from his trail of thoughts when he heard Mingi called him.

“Mingi?” The younger male grinned at him as he waved his hand, making him tilt his head slightly “Why are you here? Aren’t you supposed to be in your class now?”

“I should be. But our professor isn’t able to attend the class so I decided to ditch it and stay here for a while!” the redhead chirped.

“I see.” Seonghwa wasn’t even able to think of something to say but his attention was caught by the other male approaching them, “Oh. You’re here too.”

“Of course. I thought that I could take this an opportunity to be with Mingi since we haven’t been able to meet because of the neverending schoolworks,” Yunho said, grinning as he wrapped his arm around Mingi’s shoulder, making the younger male blush madly.

“Oh.” Seonghwa could only nod as he started to take their orders, “I’ll be serving it on your table. Thank you for purchasing.”

“Stop it, Seonghwa-hyung. It’s okay to act as we’re friends instead of a server and a customer!” Mingi giggles and Seonghwa can swear that it somehow warmed his chest seeing him smile.

“You should head there, baby. I’ll have a little chat with Seonghwa-hyung,” Yunho said, making the younger male flustered with the endearment as he nodded and went to their shared table.

“Mingi might look like he can crush you with his bare hands but he’s too soft,” Seonghwa stated as he chuckled slightly.

“That’s my baby that you’re talking about. Mingi is too good for this cruel world.” Yunho stated as he kept on looking at his boyfriend before glancing at the older male, “Hey, hyung. What’s up?”

“What’s.. up?” Seonghwa tilted his head a bit in confusion.

“I mean, _how_ are you? You seem to be in a sane state right now,” Yunho remarked, looking straight at his eyes “No signs of drug use.”

“I use them after my shift, Yunho.”

“Oh. You’re using them?” Yunho’s eyes gleamed as he grins, “How often?”

“Almost everyday. As much as the cigarettes couldn’t destress me that much,” Seonghwa muttered as he admits, feeling a bit embarrassed at the fact that he was against it before yet he was using it quite often nowadays “I never thought that it’ll be like this.”

“You’ve been suffering for a long time. Of course, you’re going to cling on the _‘euphoria’_ that it provides you.” Yunho clarifies, smiling widely at him “_It’s quite addicting, right?_ Tell me if you’re about to run out of it so I can give you some more. I’ll give it to you half of the price, hyung.”

“Yunho.”

“Yes?”

“Why are you doing this?” Seonghwa asked, bewildered of the fact that Yunho supports him on doing this.

The taller male just shrugged, “Just because.”

“Your responses are like Yeosang’s. Both of you are too confusing.” Seonghwa stated, frowning at the response that he got.

“It’s probably confusing because you don’t understand us, Seonghwa-hyung.”

“How can I understand both of you if you’re keeping it like that? Being mysterious and everything?”

“You’ll never understand someone unless you know what they’re suffering from, Seonghwa-hyung.” Yunho stated, making Seonghwa flinch a bit.

“Suffering?”

“Everyone is suffering, Seonghwa-hyung. Everyone is dealing with their own demons in their own ways, one can be as miserable as they are while one can be as discreet as they can be. Everyone is sad. Everyone is in pain. There’s no such things such as long-term happiness, you’ll still be able to be a little sad in all of the sudden.” Yunho explains, smiling sadly at him, “I’m sure that Yeosang is suffering on his way too. You just don’t know because he’s probably hiding it.”

“Yeosang? _Suffering_?” Seonghwa mutters, looking at the ground.

_“Are you suffering too?” Seonghwa suddenly asks._

_“You ask too many questions, Seonghwa-sshi.” Yeosang replies, giggling._

_“I-I'm sorry,” Seonghwa immediately averted his gaze on the male beside him._

_Yeosang hummed, “It's alright. It's been a while since I talked to an another person and to answer your question, all of us have skeletons in our closets.”_

Seonghwa suddenly remembered one of the first conversation that he had with the younger male, he wondered if Yeosang is suffering at all. But just the thought of Yeosang suffering makes him want to throw up, Yeosang and suffering doesn’t correlate at all.

He felt a hand tapped his shoulder, making him look up and meet Yunho’s gaze “I.. probably overdid it, Seonghwa-hyung. Sorry. Don’t think about it too much.”

“Oh.”

“I haven’t met Yeosang but if he’s someone like you’ve stated, that means that he’s strong..”

“He’s actually like that!” Seonghwa suddenly beams, grinning widely with just hearing a compliment about his friend “He’s a person that kept on smiling, talking in such a deep voice yet uses such a soft tone. Likes wearing oversized and long-sleeved outfits and is even good at almost everything! It seems like he’s considerate of his part-timer coworkers, he even write encouraging stuff on sticky notes! I kept all of them with me, in my room’s wall and even in my notebooks.”

“I can only say one word about the way you act whenever it’s about that Yeosang guy,” Yunho said, smiling a bit when he managed to stray Seonghwa away from a negative thought, _“Whipped.”_

“Excuse me?”

“Whipped. You’re whipped for that Yeosang guy. Trust me, Seonghwa-hyung. You look _alive_ whenever you hear something about Yeosang or talk about him.” Yunho commented as he giggled a bit, “We’ve talked a lot, hyung. Let’s talk more when your shift us done, I’d like to _recommend_ a new one for you since you seem to getting used to the liquid ones.”  
  
  


Yunho bowed slightly as he walked towards his shared table with Mingi, Seonghwa can see how the two of them smile whenever they’re together as they’re currently talking about something. Seonghwa suddenly wondered about him and Yeosang, he wondered if Yeosang is also happy when he’s spending a lot of time with him. He wondered if he could make Yeosang smile so genuinely like how Mingi can make Yunho, someone that is suffering, smile like he isn’t in pain.

He thinks it in an another way. He thinks that he’s just troubling the younger male, being the sad shit that he is. He makes him worry a lot that he have to keep on leaving such encouraging messages and notes for Seonghwa.

_After all, Park _ _Seonghwa_ _ is nothing but a bother to everyone._   
  


♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪  
  
  


Yeosang grunted as he managed to move after staying in his worn-out mattress for a few hours, he wasn’t even able to go to work and was thankful enough for someone to get his shift a while ago. He wasn’t expecting that he was going to be beaten up badly by the _monster_ that resides on the same apartment room with him. He swore that the bruises on his arms, legs and back are going to be painted with purple and black as it kept on providing an unbearable sting whenever he moves a muscle.

Thankfully, his face was just tainted with a few ones. A few bruises that can be covered with cosmetics, he just have to wear an another bunch of oversized pullover and a jeans that would be a bit loose in order for his bruises in his legs not to be in pain. Especially when he’s going to meet Seonghwa tomorrow, he should be preparing his outfits for now. But his father is going to be home after hanging out with his drug-addicted fellows and doing their dirty deed so he really doesn’t know if staying here is still _safe_ for him.

Maybe it’s because of the _fear _that made him stand up and took a white pullover and a loose black jeans, he immediately went to the shower and cleaned himself up, making sure that he wouldn’t be leaving any dried blood from the cuts that he had when his father threw the vase yesterday. The cold water hitting the bruises and cuts in his body made him hiss in pain, letting the water mask away the tears spilling from his eyes. _You have to be strong, Yeosang. If you’re still alive then your family will be safe from your father. You just have to endure it more, Yeosang. You can do it._

Yeosang wondered how his family turned like this. He wondered what happened to make his mother leave him on his father with his brother and sister, he wondered why was he left there with him. He was too young to understand everything when that happen, all that he can remember is his siblings’ tearful expression and his mother’s despaired one when they went in the car and left him. He can also remember how hard was his father’s grip on his hand during that time, the way it shook as tears kept on spilling from his eyes. _It was definitely pain._ His father was in pain because of what happened and that’s where everything started, starting from the insults which immediately turned into harsh slaps. It kept on worsening as he grew up and now, recently becoming an adult has to withstand it or else, his family will have to suffer.

His father going home or staying in there as he reeks of liquor and drugs makes him want to throw up but whenever he’s passed out, he cleans the entire apartment and even covers his father in a blanket. No matter how much of a _monster_ his father have become, he’s still his father. Someone that worked hard for the two of them, drowned in stress and despair and turned into something that he probably didn’t want. As much as Yeosang is also in pain, he still wanted to understand his father.

He dried his hair before staring at the mirror, seeing how his figure was covered with bruises and scars that he got from his father. He smiled at his reflection but it only caused him to tear up a bit on how sad he looked, he mustn’t look like this when he meets Seonghwa. His newly-dyed blond hair is almost covering his eyes and he had the urge to cut it but it looked good on him. At the very least, he’ll style it up and make himself look presentable. After all, Seonghwa might get tired of him if he looks ugly and just throw him away.

It might be selfish of him to stay with Seonghwa for a longer period of time but just a thought of the raven-haired male makes him smile as if he wasn’t going through something like this, he wanted Seonghwa to be happy and in order for that to happen, he mustn’t show any kind of flaws. He must continue smiling as if he wasn’t suffering at all, he must continue being the _comforting one_ when he’s the one that’s in need of _comfort_.

He doesn’t even know where to stay throughout the entire night as he was in the last bus that is heading to the city, maybe he’s going to stay in a park and rest there. But the thought of Seonghwa still working ‘til evening made him decide that he should visit him for now then think about that problem later. 

He didn’t even realized that he was running, his body screaming in pain as he kept on moving. He wished that Seonghwa is still in the cafe so he can just get a glimpse of him, he kept on panting and entered the cafe as he looked around but the one in the counter isn’t Seonghwa. It was the short male that Seonghwa calls ‘Byeongkwan’, Seonghwa must’ve went home immediately. Just with the thought made him look down in dismay.  
  
  


_“Yeosang?”_

Yeosang immediately looked up and saw the raven-haired male in a table along with two other male, he swear that he’s probably getting a bit teary but blinked the tears away as he flashed a smile “Hey.”

“What are you doing here?” Seonghwa asked, standing in his seat as he approached him.

The way the raven-haired look is so breathtakingly beautiful that it manages to calm him down “I was just here to visit you.”

“But aren’t our weekly hang-outs are usually on Saturday. It’s Friday evening now, Yeosang.”

Yeosang hummed in acknowledgement, “I’m aware of that. I just want to wander around before our hang-out tomorrow, I guess. And I stopped by to see if you're still here, guess that I’m right.”

“Wander during midnight? Isn’t that unsafe? There’s a lot of evil persons out there! They can hurt you just to get money or abuse you!”

The way Seonghwa looks worried about him getting hurt or abused by someone else wanna make him laugh but he kept his composure, “Seonghwa, don’t worry that much about me.”

“I can’t help but get worried, okay? Y-You’re..” The way Seonghwa seems to blush as he was struggling a bit on continuing his words, “..special to me. Of course, I have to be worried about your wellbeing.”

“Oh.” Yeosang would be lying if that didn’t made his heart pounded a bit louder than the usual, “Thank you for that. You’re too nice, Seonghwa.”

“I-I’m not! I’m just worried, okay?” The way Seonghwa put his shaking hands on both of his shoulders.

Yeosang flashed an another grin, “Don’t worry about me, Seonghwa. And I’m just here to see you even just for a while.”

“Why?”

“Because seeing you makes me feel in ease, Seonghwa. And seeing you hanging out with other people makes me glad, I hope that you’re opening up to other people.”

“Yeosang..”

_“I’m sorry to interrupt the sweet moment but you’re in the middle of the cafe flirting with someone, Seonghwa-hyung._”

The way that Seonghwa suddenly flustered as he looked at the one that talked made Yeosang giggle a bit, “Shut up!”

“Here you are, flirting someone in public while you kept on calling me out when I flirt with San!”

“It’s gross when it’s the two of you eyefucking each other, dumbass!”

“Oh shut up, hyung!” the male that is talking with Seonghwa says before he tried to look through the raven-haired male, “Anyway, is that the one that you kept on having a date with? Let me see!”

“Date?” Yeosang asks, blinking a bit. He was kind of lost in their conversation that he was wondering what are they actually talking about.

“Hey there, buddy! So you’re the one that Seonghwa-hyung kept on having da—”  
  
  
  
  


The male was cut off when he suddenly saw Yeosang and the blond male was also the same, a bit astonished on the fact that he saw someone _familiar_ to him before. Yeosang felt like he couldn’t breath as emotions started to pile up, wanting to be expressed but he doesn’t want to have a breakdown in front of Seonghwa. He doesn’t want Seonghwa to see him in such a sad state.  
  
  


_“Yeosangie?”_

Yeosang took a deep breath as he grinned, masking the sadness that he was about to express _“Hey, Wooyoungie._”


	13. 12 [stained]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hewwo!
> 
> so a bit of warning about drug use in here! if there's smth that's inaccurate then hmu, i really did my best to research enough informations about it ;; this is kind of a sensitive topic for me since i've been in therapy before bc of my depression and has to encounter a drug addict one : ( and that person had it rough, as much as drug use isn't that bad (since it can really be helpful.. if it's used wisely), getting addicted to it isn't good at all. if someone's struggling out there, don't hesitate to give them a hand. let them know that someone cares for them, everyone deserves to be happy and feel secured!
> 
> also! it'll be a pleasure if you'll reccomend this fic to yer other mutuals and leaving a comment or two about the update is really appreciated! ^^ thank you for reading this shitty fic of mine and if ya need someone that ya can talk to, hmu in twt: @_hyriette

“Yeosangie..” Wooyoung’s loud voice turned into a soft one and it made Seonghwa a bit confused, “It’s you.”

“Yup.” The blond male nods slightly as he smiled wider, “It’s been a while, Wooyoungie.”

“Wooyoungie? Yeosangie?” Mingi blinked once, twice then looked at Seonghwa as if he’s asking what’s going on.

The raven-haired male shrugged, “I have _no_ idea.”

“It seems that both of them know each other,” Yunho commented as Wooyoung lurges himself towards Yeosang, hugging him tightly.

“You dummy! You’ve been gone for years! W-We thought that you’re..” Yeosang can already feel how the younger male was shaking, about to cry in a few seconds.

The blond male can only rub his back as he chuckled, “I’m here, Wooyoung. Please don’t cry.”

Yet his response seems to be unheard when Wooyoung sobbed, clutching Yeosang’s sweater “I was so worried.”

“Hush, Wooyoung. You’re the one causing a scene in the middle of the cafe now,” Yeosang stated as he let Wooyoung sob and cling to him.  
  


Seonghwa can’t help but look at Wooyoung in envy, even him wants to hold Yeosang that tight. He was confused and surprised at the same time, his step-brother’s boyfriend is a friend of his crush. The raven-haired male doesn’t even know that Wooyoung knows Yeosang at all and the way that the younger male kept on clinging like that to Yeosang, he probably missed him that much. _Yet he can’t help but feel envy in such a situation, __Wooyoung__ is sad yet he still felt the green eyes of envy staring at him._

_How selfish of you._

_Wooyoung_ _ looks so sad yet you’re focusing on the fact that you want to hold _ _Yeosang_ _ like that?_

_You’re so pathetic, _ _Seonghwa_ _._

_**Shut up.**_ Seonghwa bit his lower lip in frustration as he just kept his gaze on the two male in front of him, Wooyoung is starting to calm down as Yeosang kept on rubbing circles in his back as if he’s comforting the younger male. When Wooyoung calmed down, he pulls himself off the embrace and looked at Yeosang with his puffy eyes and the blond can’t help but chuckle.

“Look at you, crybaby.”

“Shut up, twat. I was so worried, okay?!”

Yeosang grinned, “Silly. I thought that you’ve forgotten me already.”

“That won’t happen at all! Me? Forgetting Kang Yeosang? _Blasphemy!_” Wooyoung huffed, putting his hands on his waist.

“As expected from the Jung Wooyoung that I know,” Yeosang says.

“I hate to ruin the moment but what’s happening?” Mingi said, making everyone look at him.

Wooyoung wiped the tears in the corner of his eyes as he looked at Yeosang, “I’m actually a friend of Yeosang. We’ve been friends since we’re in high school and this dweeb suddenly disappeared after graduating without even saying a _‘farewell’_ so seeing him _alive_ makes me so happy.”

“Alive? Why? Is there something that he’s going through?” Mingi asks, confusedly at the current situation.

Wooyoung seems to flinch in which Yunho raised a brow, looking at Wooyoung then glancing at Yeosang. He saw how Yeosang seems to hold Wooyoung’s hand, making the younger male look at him as he talked in the raven-haired male’s place “Wooyoung’s just an emotional person and he probably missed me too much since I cut myself off from everyone after graduating.” He looked at Wooyoung as a smile plastered in his face, “Is that right, Wooyoungie?”

Wooyoung nodded immediately, “Y-Yes!”

Yunho wanted to laugh. _Such terrible acting for the two of them_. It’s quite obvious that they’re hiding something which can affect everyone but Yeosang was too quick to change the topic, quite a smart move coming from him. The tallest one thought that Seonghwa seems to be unconvinced yet he knew that familiar expression plastered in the raven-haired male’s face. _Jealousy_.

“It’s quite a surprise that you know Wooyoung but then again, not really. Wooyoung’s such a social butterfly,” Mingi commented, grinning at the two of them.

“Yeosang’s actually closer to me than anyone else!” Wooyoung chirped, holding the blond’s hand tightly as if he wasn’t planning on letting go of him.

“Oh.” Seonghwa’s expression is turning a bit grim and Yunho knows that he have to act.

“Hey, Seonghwa-hyung! Let’s hang in my house for a while after we take Mingi on the bus station!” Yunho suggested as he stood from his seat and looks at Mingi, “It’s kind of late, we should be heading home now.”

“You’re right. Damn, my parents will be mad if I won’t be able to go home before my curfew.” Mingi stood and picked his stuff as he looked at Wooyoung, “Woo, we should be going now.”

“Oh. Sure! I’ll be taking my time catching up to Sangie~”

“Wait. If Yeosang’s here and tomorrow’s our hang-out, where will he stay?” Seonghwa suddenly asks, making everyone look at him.

“I was planning to wander around ‘til the sun rises,” Yeosang shyly admitted, looking away from the raven-haired male.

“What? That’s unsafe, Yeosang.” Seonghwa was about to hold Yeosang’s wrist when Wooyoung suddenly beamed.

“Then stay at my place for the night!”

“Huh?”

“Excuse me?”

“I said what I said. Yeosang will stay with me for a night,” Wooyoung said as he kept his gaze on the blond male, “Besides, we have a _lot_ of stuff to catch up.”

“Staying for a night with an another man? _How about San?_”

Even Seonghwa was surprised on the accusing tone that he used, making everyone look at him again. Yunho can’t help but feel bad on the male, he’s starting to be a bit emotionally unstable and it might ruin his relationships with the two male. Wooyoung was a bit offended but more surprised on the fact that Seonghwa seems to suspect him of doing something with his long lost friend despite having San as his significant other. He usually don’t let people accuse him with such stuff especially when it’s about his loyalty to San despite being a social butterfly but this is Seonghwa and he can understand why he suddenly said that.

“Well, Seonghwa-hyung. I might be socializing a lot with other people but I only have one person in my heart and it’s San,” Wooyoung firmly said as he raised his hand as it holds Yeosang’s bony ones, still keeping a smile on his face despite a hint of annoyance on his tone “And Yeosang is a very _important _person in my life so I think San will be able to understand if I’ll let him stay in my place for a while. _Besides, even San wouldn’t accuse me of such stuff_.”

“Wooyoung..” Mingi is starting to get worried about his two friends, glancing at the two of them.

“Wooyoung..” Yeosang can’t help but just look at his close friend then glance at Seonghwa which seems to be astonished on the younger male’s savageness.

“Let’s go, Sangie~ We have a lot to catch up!” As if Wooyoung isn’t about to snap any sooner, he chirped at his close friend and grins.  
  


Yeosang only nodded and gave the trio a look as Wooyoung was somehow dragging him away from the cafe, Seonghwa wasn’t even able to say goodbye as the jab from Wooyoung’s words hurts him a bit. He just accused the sweet Jung Wooyoung of the probability of cheating behind San’s back in front of the people that _cares_ for him. He didn’t even realized that he kept silent on their entire walk from the cafe up to the bus station.

Mingi, being the literal ray of sunshine that he is, comforted the older male a bit as he said that Wooyoung isn’t mad at him and he’ll get over it before going inside the bus. And the moment that Mingi was out of their sights, Yunho lets out a sigh as he looked at Seonghwa’s solemn expression.

“Damn, that guy’s words can stab too deep in you.” He commented, putting both of his hands in his jeans’ pockets.

“It’s my fault.”

“Not really. Both of you are.”

“I judged him. Accused him and even mentioned my step-brother as if what he’s about to do is cheating on San,” Seonghwa muttered.

Yunho shrugged, “That’s alright. You’re just worried about your brother and your potential boyfriend.”

“I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Indeed. But it was already done..”

“Ah, I’m really a piece of shit.”

Yunho just sighed before nudging the older male’s shoulder, “Let’s head to my place, hyung. I’ll let you try an another one.”

“A new drug?”

Yunho nods, “Since you seemed to be fine with the designer drugs that I’ve gave you. I’d like to let you try some inhalants.”

Seonghwa knew that he should say _no_ and turn his back on Yunho, he knew that it’ll make everything worse but he’s just _too tired_ to even care of its aftermath. The raven-haired male sighed in defeat, “Lead the way.”

“Of course, I will.” A small smirk was seen on Yunho’s face, accomplishing his goal on tainting Seonghwa more and more to the point of no return.  
  
  


The moment that they’ve arrived in Yunho’s _home_, he noticed that Seonghwa seems to be in such a deep thought as if he was going through his defiance to the inner demons inside his head. Yunho knew how Seonghwa tries to keep his sanity in place but the voices are getting the best of him, he wanted the older male to loosen up a bit. Too much restriction will drown him in a sea of despair and he would suffer more than the usual. _Yunho’s just here to make the pain lessen and disappear for a few hours, he’s doing Seonghwa such a big favor._  
  
  


“Hyung, sit on the bed as I get the stuff that I need.” The older male did what Yunho told him as he opened his closet, finding the box that he just got from the _delivery_ a few days ago. He had been itching to use it but thought that Seonghwa might want to try it.

“What is it this time?”

“Meth.” Yunho sat on the bed besides him as he showed him a small plastic filled with powdered drugs which the taller male called ‘meth’

“So, what does it do?”

“Same as the designer drugs that I’ve been providing you but this one can enhance your energy,” Yunho explains as he raised a glass pipe with a bulb-like form on its end and a small transparent _thing_ “And since we’re gonna make you take it by inhaling it, we’re going to use this pipe. It’s an extra one of mine that I haven’t used so I’ll be giving it to you.”

“You don’t have to give me free stuff,” Seonghwa scoffs, “I’ll buy it from you.”

“Hyung, I do not want to be rude but drugs can cost you _money_ and you have a lot of fees to save up. I’d rather give these to you for free since it’s my recommendation,” Yunho insisted.

“Giving me free drugs for the first time then selling it to me on half the price. What’s your intention, Jeong Yunho?”

Yunho flinched a bit as a small smile crept on his face, “_Help_. I just want to help you. You look so miserable, hyung. And I spend tons of money for drugs in which I take _alone_. I need someone to accompany me since it’s kind of lonely at times.”

“Sounds more like you dragging me to hell.”

“We’re all going to hell anyway.” Yunho stated as he shrugged, “If you’re uncomfortable with it then you can just say ‘no’.”

“Nah, I wouldn’t. I’m _too tired_ to care about anything at all,” Seonghwa replied as he glanced at the taller male, “Tell me how it works.”

“I knew that you’d say that.” Yunho smirked as he put the powdered drug in the hole at the end of the pipe, “You have to make sure that the meth is at the bottom part of this one. The small one that I’ve attached to the other side of the pipe is the mouthpiece so your lips wouldn’t get injured and lessen the heat.”

“So, it’s just like using cigarettes?”

Yunho nods, “Indeed.”

“Neat.”

“Try to assemble your pipe then put this in it,” Yunho stated, giving him the spare one along with the plastic filled with the drug, “Attach the mouthpiece on the end of the pipe. Then put the meth in it, make sure that it is on the bottom of the pipe.”

Seonghwa did what Yunho had told him then looked at the younger male, tilting his head a bit “Like this?”

“Yes. Now here’s how it goes,” Yunho said, getting the lighter as the flame flicker that melts that crystal meth, turning into gas as he inhales it before exhaling a puff of smoke “Then that’s it. Simple as that. Give it a try, hyung. Just take some few puffs, you can also exhale it through your nose.”  
  
  
  


Seonghwa looked at the pipe before focusing on the crystal white drug in the end of it, his sane self would definitely shake terribly as he contemplates on what is he doing with his life. But that self of his doesn’t even exist at all, he felt like shit. He kept on ruining everything, making everyone worry for him, disappointing people and wasting their time for him. He was too tired to put up a facade and he needs a break, _this_ is the kind of break that he was looking for.

He did what Yunho have instructed to him, watching the smoke goes out of his mouth before inhaling an another one as he held the lighter with his other hand. The raven-haired male didn’t even realized that the drug is starting to take its effect as he lets himself drown in his trail of thoughts but it was slowly silenced by the drug’s effect, making him feel too warm and his head is fuzzy. His mouth feels like it’s filled with cotton and with the remaining sanity that he had at the moment, puts the pipe and lighter at the table nearby.

Yunho can just stare at Seonghwa as he slowly lets go of the thread of hope that he’s holding on. It’s such a bad deed but Yunho can’t stand people that kept on clinging to hope when life is definitely hopeless for them, everyone is meant to suffer and all that they can do is to enjoy their remaining times by forcing happiness upon themselves. He can’t hell but anticipate on how Seonghwa’s tower will crumble down into rubbish, the blank page getting stained by the dark ink that seeps through the thin paper.  
  
  


♪♪♪♪♪  
  
  


“Wooyoung, you shouldn’t have snapped at him.”

Wooyoung closed his home’s door before looking at Yeosang with one of his eyebrows raised as if he was judging his long lost friend’s words, “I didn’t snapped at him. Just knocked some sense on his dumb brain.”

“Woo..”

“Yeosang, you aren’t as dense as I know. You can probably see that Seonghwa’s head over heels for you.”

“No, I don’t. That’s impossible though.”

“Lies, my dear friend. All the things that you’ve said are nothing but lies,” Wooyoung dramatically stated as his hands kept on swinging everywhere to add some dramatical effects on his speech.

“Sorry, Woo. He’s probably confused and that’s why I kept on shrugging the thought off,” Yeosang stated, looking away “You know how people struggle too much that once they’ve finally felt secured in a certain someone, they attach themselves to them? I think that Seonghwa is like that as of now, he’s probably confused between attraction and security.”  
  
  
  


Wooyoung crossed his arms, he knew that this will be a long conversation so he dragged the younger male into his room and pulled him to the bed. Yeosang lets out a squeak when he hits the fluffy mattress but immediately got comfortable in it, he didn’t even know when was the last time he slept in such a fluffy bed. The way that Wooyoung’s room was designed, it made Yeosang feel _comfortable_. The room was dimmed but Wooyoung opened the night light that’s in the small drawer beside his bed that seems to light up the room and ceiling was painted in such a beautiful way that Yeosang’s jaw seemed to drop. Coated with the dark colors of the pitch black sky, tiny and somehow huge stars are drawn in it as if the entire solar system was drawn in it along with the constellations.  
  


“The stars reminds me of you, Yeo.” Yeosang looked at Wooyoung which seems to blushing in embarrassment, “You can laugh at me when I’m done with this but you disappearing in all of the sudden made me anxious. I was so worried when you deactivated most of your accounts and me along with Jongho kept on trying to find you. We didn’t know where you live and the school won’t release any informations about you. We’ve searched for you for two years but we eventually stopped a few months ago, we did our best to continue our lives without you. There are times that I kept on missing you so I told mom when we renovated the house to add something like that, I know how you love looking at the sky during night. We tend to go stargazing during highschool so every night as I look up at the ceiling, it makes me feel like I’m looking at the sky with you somewhere else. It gives me hope that I’ll find you and here you are..”

“Woo..” Yeosang feels so overwhelmed in all of the sudden.

“You’ve made me worry, Yeosang.”

“I’m sorry, Woo.”

“You should’ve kept in touch with us.”

“I didn’t want to bother all of you that much. Both of you deserves to be happy and I’m just making the two of you worry about me.”

“You were _never _a bother to us, Yeo.”

“I’m really sorry, Wooyoung.”

“Stop apologizing, okay? I think that I might end up crying once again,” Wooyoung said, his voice getting a bit shaky, “I’m just happy to see you. I’m glad that you’re okay.”

“Wooyoungie..”

“You seem to be tired, Yeosang. Let’s talk when you’ve rested well, okay?”   
  
  
  
  


Yeosang can’t help but feel a bit suffocated, he wasn’t used to kindness and Wooyoung, being as kind-hearted as he is, is affecting him with it. Wooyoung was right though, the fluffiness of the bed along with Wooyoung’s soft tone is making him woozy. He hasn’t been able to sleep in his place lately because of the thought of the monster barging in his room and hurting him.

But his father isn’t here. And Wooyoung wouldn’t let him get hurt, he isn’t in his place. He is in somwhere safe, safe from the harsh slaps and punches. _He is safe._  
  
  


With the thought of the safety he’s been deprived of, his eyes slowly closed as Wooyoung embraced him and hummed a lullaby, not stopping until Yeosang was asleep in his arms. He can sense how bony his friend had become, how his complexion became paler and the amount of cosmetics in his face as if he’s hiding something. Wooyoung can’t help but let out a bunch of silent sobs while holding his bestfriend, _he will ask him everything and will do his best to keep this person safe._


	14. 13 [‘safety zone’]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here’s a yeosang-centric chapter for y’all and something light! and a bit of woosang lololol
> 
> so uh.. it would be nice to leave some comments and even criticisms for the updates. it’ll really help me to improve and also motivate to write more :< i feel like this fic is getting neglected and i feel bad for thinking like this q wq sorry hhh anyway, ya can request a one-shot fic since i have one in wp! just hmu in my twitter acct @_hyriette

The moment that Yeosang’s eyes fluttered open, he immediately lets out a gasp at the realization that he fell asleep and his father might’ve barged in his room to beat him but the creeping fear disappeared immediately when he saw Wooyoung sleeping as the younger male held his hands tight. He looked around, seeing that he’s in Wooyoung’s room then realizing what happened before Hypnos’ took over him.

_I’m safe._ He couldn’t help but feel a bit overwhelmed by feeling secured and a bit of his uneasiness disappeared. As much as he wanted to get out of the bed and go to the washroom to rinse his face, Wooyoung’s hand was holding him tightly as if he doesn’t to let go of his hand. Yeosang knew how stubborn Wooyoung is and how much of a light sleeper he is, just trying to remove the black-haired male’s iron grip on him made Wooyoung wake up.

Both of them kept their eye contact before Wooyoung let out a relaxed smile, “You’re still here.”

“Silly.” Just seeing Wooyoung’s affecting smile made Yeosang’s lips curled upwards, “I can’t get out of the bed because you’re holding my hand.”

“I was kind of scared that you might disappear again so I held your hand tight,” Wooyoung replied sheepishly, “So you wouldn’t go and disappear on our lives again.”

“I need to go to the washroom, Woo.”

“Oh.”

“You can let go of my hand now, Wooyoung. You’ve already found me and this time, I won’t leave again.” Yeosang assured his friend that seems to be hesitating on letting go of his hand.

“P-Promise?” Wooyoung's voice is shaking as he raised his other hand, “Pinky promise?”

“You’re so silly,” Yeosang mumbled as he raised his pinky finger, “I promise.”

“You better return as soon as possible,” Wooyoung said as he lets go of Yeosang’s hand then ran towards the door, blocking it with his body “You won’t be able to get out of this room! You might run away from me!”

“Wooyoung, I’ve already told you that I won’t.” Yeosang sighed as he took his bag that was on the couch then suddenly realized that he only brought his wallet and phone, “Damn.”

“Yeosang?”

“I forgot to bring some clothes,” Yeosang mutters, shaking his head in dismay “I was so used to bringing my phone and wallet that I’ve forgot the fact that I’m staying in this place ‘til the night.”

“You can borrow mine, Yeo.” Wooyoung said as he ran towards his dresser then took some clothes, “Here.”

“I..”

“Don’t be shy now! It’s not like you didn’t stayed in my place for a night or two during our middle school and high school days then borrowed mine!” Wooyoung scoffed, giving him the clothes that he took “You still have the _‘bestie’_ title so you can use my stuff and stay in here whenever you like!”

“But—”

“Hush, my _bestie_. Now, indulge the warm water from the shower and get yourself clean as much as you like.” Wooyoung ushered him towards the bathroom.

He knew how stubborn Wooyoung is, getting whatever he wants. Yeosang just sighed in defeat as he gently put the clothes somewhere it won’t get wet before undressing himself, he felt a bit sticky from the sweat that he got after running too much last night. He even forgot to remove the make-up that he applied so he’ll clean himself as much as possible, going to the shower and just like what Wooyoung have told him, he’ll take his time and scrub himself clean.

He had been into Wooyoung’s house often, staying there whenever his father is too much and when he needs a _break_ to everything. Yeosang felt a bit bad because he’s making Wooyoung worry that he decided to sever ties with everyone on the moment that he graduated, surrending to his cruel fate and stayed in his hometown for years. Those years had been bland, years without his precious friends that gave his monochrome life some colors.

He dried his hair and immediately put the clothes that Wooyoung lent him, folding his own clothes before retreating the bathroom. The grey hoodie from Wooyoung was too big for him along with the pants but it was better rather than his own clothes that probably reeks from sweat.

“I’m done, Wooyoung.” The moment that his friend looked at him, he had a surprised expression as if Yeosang grew an another head “I-Is there something wrong?”

Wooyoung’s grim expression was all that Yeosang can see as the younger male walked towards his direction then held his face, “Did _he_ do this?”

_Shit_. Yeosang widened his eyes, realizing that what Wooyoung saw was one of the bruises in his face because there wasn’t any make-up covering it up before looking away “I-I'm sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” Wooyoung’s voice was shaking once again as if he was about to cry and he caressed his friend’s cheek, “I thought that the reason why you’re here again is because you’ve already ran away from that bastard.”

“I couldn’t.”

“Yeosang, you’re not safe there! Besides, you can report him to the police so he can rot in prison!” Wooyoung exclaimed.

“I can’t just let him get that, Woo. I don’t want him to get imprisoned.”

Wooyoung said worriedly, already holding both of Yeosang’s hands once again, “That person kept on hurting you again and again. What if his beatings get worsen soon? I have to get you out of this mess as soon as possible.”

“Wooyoung, he’ll hurt my mother and my siblings if I escape. I can’t let something like that happen,” Yeosang retorted.

“Yeosang, I know that I can’t convince you to run away but _let me in_. Let me help you out,” Wooyoung said, almost begging at his bestfriend, “If you insists on staying with him, then let me be there for you whenever you need a shoulder to lean on. It’s not like we haven’t been like this before, Yeo.”

Yeosang can sense how sincere Wooyoung is, making him feel the warmth that he had already forgotten years ago. He knew that Wooyoung would help him out in a heartbeat, they’ve been together for years that helps each other out until Yeosang decided that he should isolate himself so Wooyoung can find _someone_ that will not make him sad just like Yeosang. He wanted to say _‘yes’_ but Yeosang doesn’t want to involve Wooyoung in this, knowing what his father can do.

“Wooyoung, I want to. But I don’t want you to get in trouble,” Yeosang softly said, shaking his head slightly “I appreciate your effort but I want you to be safe and out of trouble.”

“Yeosang, I’m Jung Wooyoung. Trouble is my middle name, how dare you push me away from one?” Wooyoung is running out of patience, he wanted to smack his bestfriend but he was more worried than annoyed “Don’t you dare push me away now that I’m here. I’ll help you. There are people that is willing to help you out so don’t isolate yourself from them and grab their hands.”

“You’re so stubborn. If my father can do this to his own son then what more to a stranger?”

“I can fight back, Yeosang. And if he ever laid a hand on me, I’ll be throwing fists. Unlike you, I won’t hold back until he’s passed out.”

“Wooyoung, you’re not that strong.”

“Maybe not. But I have a strong boyfriend! A black-belt in taekwondo!” Wooyoung boasts, putting his hands on his waist while standing proudly.

“San? The one that Seonghwa mentioned?”

Wooyoung nods, “Indeed! You should see him! He’s so cool!”

“Isn’t he Jongho’s older brother?” Yeosang asked curiously, somehow feeling a bit in ease when their topic is straying away from the original one.

“Yes.” Wooyoung nodded once again, “It’s him!”

Yeosang smiled, “I’m glad that you’ve found someone for you, Woo.”

“You deserve someone that will be there for you too, Yeosang.”

Yeosang felt a bit of relief when Wooyoung is able to find someone that will make him feel loved. He knew how his friend is such a hopeless romantic and finding someone like San is definitely a good thing for his friend. He’s happy for him to be able to smile like he’s at his happiest state right now.

“Anyway, you seem to be a bit tired so you can just rest for a while.” Wooyoung ruffled his hair, grimacing a bit “Your hair’s getting a bit unhealthy.”

“I’ve been dyeing it frequently.”

“Now, that’s why..”

“I-I’m just experimenting, okay?” Yeosang said, smiling sheepishly “Besides, one of my co-workers had a lot of hairdye and gave me some for free. I can’t say _no_ to free stuff.”

“I’m aware of that, dummy.” Wooyoung giggled as he kept on looking at Yeosang, “I really couldn’t believe that I’ll be seeing you once again. You really made me worried, Kang Yeosang.”

“Sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize to me. Do that to Jongho, Yeosang.”

Yeosang sighed, “I will if I’ll be able to meet him.”

“Shall I schedule one for the two of you?” Wooyoung asked.

“Please don’t. I’m still not ready to meet him too, I felt bad for making him wait for such a long time. He must’ve been in pain while waiting for me,” Yeosang mutters, looking down at the ground.

“You’re right about that. He was hurt but he was able to overcome it, Yeosang. You know how tough Jongho is, right? And I’m aware that you knew he’s going to get over you,” Wooyoung stated as he ushered the older male to sit on the couch with him, “The moment that we didn’t see you at our graduation was the last time he wept for you, letting go of his feelings for you that he kept with such hope of you returning. Witnessing that is such a heartbreaking scene, Yeosang. He was in so much pain when you left but he kept on hoping for your return until his time was up.”

“I hurt him. I’m aware of that. But I’m also aware of the fact that he’ll be able to let go of me as time kept on passing by,” Yeosang said, looking upwards at the ceiling “He deserves someone better and I was too confused on what is the meaning of _‘love’_ during that time. I was too immersed on keeping myself sane enough to continue on surviving in such a hellish place.”

“You were suffering, Yeosang. You’re stuck in a situation that wants you to sacrifice something, either your freedom or your family’s safety. We can understand that,” Wooyoung replied, “You should’ve rejected him though.”

“I was too afraid of hurting his feelings. So I gave him an ultimatum that if I don’t show up on his graduation, he should move on.” Yeosang remembered how Jongho looked at him with hopeful eyes when he said that, making him feel a pang on his chest.

“He did what you’ve told him and if he’s as courageous as before, he might get the one that will love him back soon.”

“Really?” Yeosang’s eyes widened from the news that he heard, “Who’s the lucky guy?”

“A fellow schoolmate of ours. The son of the cafe’s owner where we met last night,” Wooyoung said as he grinned, “Hongjoong-hyung is such a sweetheart. He’s a Fine Arts major that is definitely a trash for overworking but he’s really a good person. You should’ve seen the way Jongho opened his heart once again for the lovely dude.”

“Oh boy. That’s such a sight to see,” Yeosang said, smiling in relief “I’m glad that he’s doing fine now.”

“How about you, Yeosang?” Yeosang met his bestfriend’s gaze as he tilted his head in confusion, “You’re always happy about other people but how about you? You deserve to be happy too.”

“It’s the only thing that I can do, Woo.”

Wooyoung can’t help but get worried on how Yeosang looked like he resigned on finding his own happiness, trapping himself in a cage. He knew the male’s struggles in life and tried to save him a lot of times but the older male’s too stubborn, too worried about his family. He couldn’t even understand how Yeosang can care for a bunch of people that left him to his Father so he can suffer for years, they should’ve taken him away too. And Yeosang should be hating them yet here he is, keeping himself within his Father’s sight to keep them safe.

Wooyoung thinks that it’s bullshit. But he knew how much of a passionate person Yeosang is, he knew how Yeosang can be as stubborn as he is. He just wish that Yeosang would choose himself over other people soon, his friend has been through a lot and deserves the happiness for himself that he’s been deprived of.

“You’ll be happy for your own too, Yeosang. I know that you’ll be able to get through it,” Wooyoung assured and before Yeosang is able to say something pessimistic, he put his finger in the middle of his lips “Hush, Yeosang. Let me hope for this without you being the negative one.”

“If that’ll make you sleep at night,” Yeosang said, feeling a bit of defeated.

“Well, I’ve seen the way that you’ve look at Seonghwa-hyung. I swear that both of you are too cute for each other!”

“Wooyoung!”

“Shut up, Yeosang. I know how a whipped person look at their crush!” Wooyoung retorted, crossing his arms “And the way both of you look at each other like that is too agonizing. Just confess at each other already!”

“Woo, we’ve only met for a few months. Love isn’t like that,” Yeosang stated, sighing at his bestfriend teasing him.

“You can fall in love at first sight, Yeosang.” Wooyoung replied, grinning widely as he lightly nudge the older male with his arm, “So, how did you met him?”

“I..” The blond male suddenly realized that Wooyoung probably doesn’t know what Seonghwa is going through so he just smiled, “We met in the rooftop of the apartment where I lived. He probably got lost and I found him entering the rooftop, Woo.”

“He knows where you live?!” Wooyoung screeched, holding him in his shoulders, “I don’t even know where you lived yet Seonghwa found you just like that.”

“I was surprised to see a city boy wandering in my town, Woo. I helped him on the way to the bus station and when I visited the city, we met in the cafe. He’s a nice person, Wooyoung. It’s been a while since I’ve met someone like him,” Yeosang said, feeling a bit of a fuzzy sensation inside him as he remembers how he saw Seonghwa entering the rooftop with such a sorrowful look in him yet how the light from the sunset kissed his skin made him glow.

“So, what do you think about him? Physically and of course, his personality?” Wooyoung smiled coyly at his bestfriend, “Tell me! Tell me!”  
  
  


Yeosang sighed. He knew how Wooyoung love talking about something related to _‘love’_ so it’ll be a discussion that could probably go for an hour along with some hits from Wooyoung if something gets too cheesy for him. Despite that, he wanted to talk about Seonghwa to someone else. He wants to tell someone how amazing Park Seonghwa is, not just with his visuals but also with his courage on fighting the demons that are trying to chase him. He wants to shout out how brave Seonghwa is, dealing with them and making it through the day.

* * *

Just like what Yeosang had expected, they’ve talked about San and Seonghwa for an hour before the blond male’s stomach rumbled which made Woo let out that high-pitched laugh. Yeosang can’t help but giggle, missing that annoying yet endearing laugh of his bestfriend. They ended up applying make-up to Yeosang to conceal the bruises then going to a diner as the younger male treated him to brunch. 

Wooyoung made sure that Yeosang is full before dragging him once again, the older male didn’t say a thing or even protested. He knew how much of a free spirit Wooyoung is, letting the younger male drag him to the mall. Yeosang would be lying if he would be saying that the crowd isn’t making him a bit anxious, it’s been years since he had been into a place filled with people.  
  


He felt a hand held his own and he looked at Wooyoung which smiled at him, “Here. So you won’t feel anxious at all! I'm here for you, Sangie!”

“Woo..” His lips curled upwards as he felt a bit of warmth on the younger male’s affection, “Thank you.”

“Don’t even think that I forgot the fact that you’re not fond of crowds!” Wooyoung chirps, “And it’s either me or Yeonjun or even Jongho that comes with you on places like this during high school!”

“Of course, you wouldn’t.” Yeosang giggled as he looked around, “So, where are we about to head out?”

Wooyoung grinned, “I want to buy some new games so let’s check the game store!”

“Okay then. Lead the way, Woo.”

“You don’t even need to tell me that!” The younger male beams as they started walking, hand in hand.  
  
  
  
  


His anxiety seems to disappear as he felt the warmth from his bestfriend’s hand, making him sigh in relief. The hands that used to hold his own whenever the tough times to make him know that he isn’t alone and there’s someone that is here for him. The feeling of being with him once again made Yeosang feel like he’s full, like he’s living without any concerns in his _miserable_ life. Wooyoung always had that effect on him _especially_ during their high school days. Wooyoung made him feel what it is like to be _saved_, more like, to feel like someone is saving you from the abyss that you’re trapped in.  
  
  
  


“Hey, Yeosang! Do you still remember the Persona series? There’s another set of ones released for it. Wanna play it?” Wooyoung asked on the moment that they’ve arrived at the game store.

“I’m fine with it. But how about some eerie games such as Silent Hill? I’ve only seen a playthrough of that and it seems cool,” Yeosang replied, looking at the games in the shelves.

“Of course, you’re aiming on that. Typical Yeosang,” Wooyoung said, chuckling at how his bestfriend never seemed to change at all, “I remember how you enjoyed Corpse Party and Mad Father so much.”

“Let’s get you the games that you’ll like to play, Wooyoung. I want to know if you still like PUBG or if you’re interested on some other games,” Yeosang ushered.

“I’m still the same as before. Online games are still my type of game but I also want to try some of the rpg games that we played before.” Wooyoung looked at a certain shelf before grinning widely at his bestfriend, “Let’s check the games that is available right now then after that, let’s head out to watch a movie.”

Yeosang snorts, “A movie? Seriously?”

“I’m serious, Sangie. Let’s watch a random movie and maybe get immersed in it without knowing a thing or two about it.”

“Kinda weird but okay,” Yeosang agreed.

“Okay! Let’s start the new game hunting now! I’ve heard Final Fantasy also had a new release, it’s been years since we played that game so let’s catch up!”  
  
  
  


They ended up buying the new games from the same series that they used to play before Yeosang stayed in his hometown for two years but also included Silent Hill in it since the blond is fond of horror games. Wooyoung is thinking of recommending him to play Dead by Daylight and inviting him to play with him soon. But then again, the blond might get too overwhelmed so he decided to take it slowly. They can catch up in time and his priority is to make Yeosang feel safe in his presence just like before.

The duo ended up watching a cliche romance movie that they barely even gave any attention to, quite bored with the cheesy storyline that they couldn’t even relate. They just kept their eyes on the screen as they munched on the popcorn and eventually drinking the cola that they’ve also bought.  
  
  


“It’s just like the old times,” Wooyoung said dramatically.

Yeosang gave him a bored look, “Wooyoung, it’s just two years.”

“Two years without a Kang Yeosang in my life had been too long~” the lilac-haired male whined, pouting as he looked at Yeosang.

“You’re so dramatic. I’m here already, Woo.”

“But still!”

“Hush, you’re gonna make the watchers glare at us if you talk too loud. Keep it down.”

“Well, you knew how I can’t even keep my voice quiet especially with the stuff that we do whenever we sit at the farthest side of the cinema,” Wooyoung smiled slyly as he winked at the blond.

Yeosang can feel the heat on his cheeks as he glared at Wooyoung, “Shut up, Woo.”

“Aw, you’re still embarrassed of that as if you didn’t blow me whenever we’re horny while watching a movie in the cinemas.”

“W-Woo!”

Wooyoung laughs, “Okay. Okay. I’ll stop. You’re so cute, Sangie~”

“Now, I can’t focus on the movie.” Yeosang muttered and he heard Wooyoung laughed once again, “Shut up, you twat.”

“You love me~”  
  
  
  
  
  


The movie ended with Yeosang somehow regretting his life decisions while Wooyoung was quite apologetic for making him flustered. It’s a common thing for them since they’re just two teenagers experimenting on each other, remembering how dumb and reckless they were is kinda embarrassing though. Wooyoung was able to remove the embarrassing memories from him by dragging him to the arcade, Yeosang feeling a bit nostalgic since this is where they both play for an hour or two before going home. It’s been a while since he was able to enjoy something and coming back to this place makes him elated.  
  


Wooyoung saw how his bestfriend’s eyes gleamed at the sight and tapped his cheek, “Let’s go, Sangie. My treat!”

“Woo, I would never say _no_ to this!”

“I know that you wouldn’t. Now, go get it.”

“Let’s go to the claw machine first!”

“Oh no. Sangie’s about to collect a bunch of plushies once again~”

“I won’t be able to take them back so they’re going to be yours,” Yeosang said, looking at the claw machine before he shyly smiled at his bestfriend “Besides, I don’t even know if I’m still good at this.”

“You got this, fella.”  
  
  
  


Wooyoung observed the older male easily caught the plush in the claw machine and it happened again and again ‘til they’re having more than ten and it wouldn’t fit on the bag that he brought, gaining the attention of the people in the arcade too. The moment that Yeosang got the 11th plush from the other claw machine is the time that they went to the karaoke, singing their hearts out just like before and laughing whenever someone is already screaming just to hit a high note then saying that if it’s Jongho, he would do it flawlessly.   
  


Yeosang can only grin the whole time, feeling safety by just hanging with Wooyoung. It’s been a while since he had fun like this, Wooyoung knew how to distract him from his own melancholy and turn it into happiness. That’s how his safety zone and happy pill is, making him smile by just his own presence. They also tried every single game in the arcade until Wooyoung was already panting in the floor after playing in the basketball one again and again, looking at the tickets that they’ve collected that kept on piling up.  
  
  
  


“Okay, Woo. That’s enough for us,” Yeosang said as he helped his bestfriend stand up, “Let’s exchange this ticket into something good.”

“Let’s!” the younger male beamed as they head towards the counter, looking at the prizes in it “With this amount of tickets, we can already get the highest amount of prize.”

“How about getting that?” Yeosang suggested.

“It’s a life-sized teddy bear, Sangie. We already had a lot of plushies with us because you’re an ace there,” Wooyoung whined, pouting at him.

“I can get some of those and give it to the children in my hometown. So you can get that one, it would look good in your room.”

“You’re still as kind-hearted as you are, willing to provide stuff for other people so they can smile.”

“These plushies deserves a home and there are children in my place wanting to have one,” Yeosang said, smiling a bit “They would love that.”

Wooyoung can’t help but smile at Yeosang’s response “If that makes you happy then go ahead.”

“Exchange the tickets for the bear already, Woo.”

“Here goes nothing.”  
  
  
  
  


The moment that they’ve presented the tickets made the crew’s jaw dropped, wondering how Wooyoung spent a lot of money and how good he is on games to acquire that amount of tickets. They gave the huge bear to him though, making Wooyoung frown a bit in realization.  
  


“I can’t believe that a life-sized bear is taller than us, Sangie.”

Yeosang lets out a laugh, “Press F to pay respect.”

“You know what? This is why gamers have no rights,” Wooyoung said to his bestfriend, looking at him in dismay.

“You’re also one.”

“Well.. fuck.” Both of them laughed before Wooyoung noticed that they still have some tickets left, “Hey, Sangie. These can still exchanged for a cellphone strap! Wait here for a moment!”

“Okay..” Yeosang observed how Wooyoung exchanged the tickets to a certain strap before running back to Yeosang as he showed an angry bird strap, “Angry bird.”

“Well, doesn’t this reminds you of Seonghwa? We call him _angry bird_ because it reminds him of that! Also, _Toothless_ the dragon!” Wooyoung chirps.

Yeosang squinted his eyes and suddenly saw the resemblance before chuckling lightly, “The eyebrows, huh?”

“Indeed.” Wooyoung put the strap in his palm and grinned at him, “You can have it, Sangie. Please accept that. _Please~”_

“Fine. I’ll put this in my phone later,” Yeosang said which made the younger male’s expression brightened.

“Yey!” Wooyoung beamed, “Let’s head to my car so I can put this giant boy there. It’s getting late already. Let’s stop on a fastfood restaurant to buy chicken, you must’ve been hungry.”

Just with the mention of ‘chicken’, Yeosang’s expression brightens “Let’s go!”  
  
  
  
  
  


Wooyoung just laughed as they held the giant teddy bear and excusing themselves for taking too much of space, somehow laughing because they kept on stumbling and almost tripping yet fortunately, both of them made it to the parking lot without experiencing that. They’re both exhausted from walking and playing around so it was a quiet drive towards the nearest fastfood restaurant and they went to the corner of it where only a few people was sitting at as Wooyoung looked at Yeosang munching the chicken.  
  


He couldn’t help but secretly take a video and some pictures of the blond male enjoying his favorite food, his lips pouting as he munched on it and letting out a blissed expression as if eating chicken makes him so happy. He couldn’t believe that he saw his bestfriend once again after he graduated, leaving them hanging and worrying for him. Wooyoung wanted to be sad on how the blond male got paler and how he looks so frail but he kept his composure, he wants to make Yeosang feel happy and he’s aware of how comfortable Yeosang is when it comes to him. So he kept a smile and pretends that he’s not worried for him, knowing that Yeosang isn’t going to stay too much.  
  
  
  
  


“You really love chicken, huh?” Wooyoung said as he rested his chin on his hand.

Yeosang nodded, “Of course. Chicken is life. Chicken is destiny!”

“You’re so cute, Sangie.”

“Not as cute as you, Woo.”

Wooyoung chuckled, “I’m happy to know that you’re having fun today, Yeosang. It was nice hanging out with you.”

“Hanging out..” In all of the sudden, Yeosang’s smile faltered then he looked shocked as if he realized something, “Woo! I was supposed to hang out with Seonghwa today!”

“Oh. I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to interrupt your date!” Wooyoung said apologetically, quite worried at the expression that Yeosang plastered on his face.

“I-It’s fine, Woo. But he must’ve been waiting for my message or something..”

“Well, he’s quite an asshole last night. Maybe he’s taking his time and probably thinking of a way to apologize to us for thinking like that,” Wooyoung scoffed before smirking, “Too bad for him that I’m the one that took your virginity. Sucks to be him.”

Yeosang almost choke on the chicken that he’s munching at as he glared at the lilac-haired male, “Damn you, Wooyoung.”

“Sorry. I just got carried by my emotions,” Wooyoung sheepishly said then sighed, “He shouldn’t have said that. Doesn’t he even trust you? Or even me? I love San! As much as an extrovert I am, I don’t flirt with people. I have someone that I love and cherish so why bother doing that?”

“He must’ve been anxious about something.”

“All I can is that he’s jealous of me. Did you see the way he looked at me when I was hugging and holding your hand too much?” Wooyoung dramatically said as he rolled his eyes, “He’s so jealous yet he didn’t even got the balls to ask you out or to even confess. Such a pussy.”

“It’s not like that, Woo!”

“Sangie, that dude’s whipped on you. If he doesn’t make a move then please do something about it, you’re whipped to him on the same level as he is whipped for you.”

Yeosang felt like he is probably blushing too much as he looked away, “I-I’m not courageous enough. Besides, he have to deal with something more important than that so I can wait for him.”

“Aw, that’s so sweet.” Wooyoung cooed.

“It’s been a while since I’ve liked someone, Wooyoung. So I’m taking it slowly, we barely even know each other so it’s better to take baby steps on this one. We aren’t even sure if he really likes me the way I’m interested to him,” Yeosang stated firmly before taking a bite of the chicken wing that he’s been eating.

“You’re right about that, Sangie.”

“Anyway, can I ask for a favor? Can you drop me off to the nearest bus station? As much as I’ve enjoyed being with you, I have to head back home.”

Wooyoung’s smile faltered, “Oh. Sure.”

“Don’t worry that much, Woo. I’ll even give you my new contact number so you’ll be able to keep in touch with me,” Yeosang assured as the lilac-haired immediately took his phone out and gave it to the blond, “Here.”

“Let’s take a picture, Sangie! Jongho will be so jealous!” Wooyoung said as they posed for some pictures, “Seriously, Kang Yeosang. Your otherworldly visual’s too good to be true.”

“You’re making me blush with the compliments, Woo. Stop it. And don’t be mean to Jongho, please don’t give him my contact number too. I’d like to take some time before facing him,” Yeosang said as he looked down, “I really felt bad for hurting him so I’ll try to get some courage for a while in order to face him again.”

“Just take your time, Yeosang. You don’t even need to rush for that and even Jongho would understand your reasons,” Wooyoung softly said, patting his bestfriend on his shoulder, “Don’t worry that much. We’re always here for you, okay?”

Yeosang felt like crying with the younger male’s caring words but forced a smile on his face, not wanting Wooyoung to be worried at all “Thank you.”  
  
  
  
  
  


The moment that they finished eating, Wooyoung did what Yeosang have requested. The entire drive was silent as the blond stared at the view, admiring the city lights and neon signs on the stores. Wooyoung thinks that it’s quite endearing and stole some pictures, sending it to Jongho so the younger male can feel in ease at knowing that Yeosang is still alive. He didn’t want Yeosang to go back to that hellhole, knowing that the blond would continue receiving the beatings and harsh words. He wanted to protect his bestfriend but he knew that Yeosang wouldn’t let him interfere with his so-called _fate that he already accepted_ and it’ll make Yeosang stay away from him, he might even disappear once again.  
  


Wooyoung doesn’t want that to happen so he kept silent, he’ll find a way to save his bestfriend. Both him and Jongho would find a way to get him out of that miserable state, they’ll do their best to save him.   
  
  
  
  


“We’re here, Sangie.”

“Thank you, Woo.”

Wooyoung pouted, “I want to spend more time with you, Sangie.”

“Maybe next time. I’ll message you when I’m free, okay? Stop pouting already,” Yeosang replies.

“Hey. Please take care of yourself.” Wooyoung talked in the smallest tone that he could, letting his facade disappear and looked at the older male in worry, “When I said that you deserve to be happy for your own, I mean it. _You deserve to be happy_.”

“That makes me glad, Woo. Maybe I can hope a bit on getting that _happiness_ for a while,” Yeosang said, cupping the younger male’s cheeks and kissed his forehead “You’re already taken so I can only kiss you on your cheeks or even your forehead. Bummer. But hey, I’m glad that you’ve found someone to love.”

“And you’re next in line, Sang. Go get Hwa! Go get your man!”

Yeosang laughed, “Whatever, Woo. I gotta go now.”

“Okay then.” Wooyoung grins, “See you when I see you~”  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The moment that Yeosang got out of the car, Wooyoung still waited until the male is able to get in the bus and tried to remember its destination before driving back home. They still don’t know Yeosang’s whereabouts despite being their friends for a long time yet someone like Seonghwa easily found him as if it was meant to him. As much as he knew Seonghwa, it’s still unusual for him to find Yeosang, someone that kept himself hidden from everyone.  
  
  


_Maybe I’ll get some answers from Seonghwa-hyung._

**Author's Note:**

> you are loved! please remember that. ♥
> 
> if you need someone to talk to. you can dm me in twt @_hyriette and i’ll be your vent buddy!


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